No, Your Abusive Boyfriend Doesn’t Deserve Another Chance

You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .

This week we have a woman who is not sure if she should leave her boyfriend who is physically abused.

Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.

Hi, Patrick,

My boyfriend and I live together after being together for a fairly short period of time (1 year). Before we did it officially, he talked to other girls and I talked to other guys; after we decided to do it officially, we stopped the shenanigans. After a while, I started to feel paranoid – like he was talking to someone else – and I felt that he was not paying attention to me, so I started texting this other guy.

My boyfriend found out about this and laid his hands on me. On the same day, he apologized, and we said that we would never again deceive and offend each other. Then he corresponded with other girls, and I caught him twice. He let go of my mistake, but I can’t let go of him because he did it twice. It was not just a mistake, it was a choice.

We kept fighting over it and I decided I wanted to move out, which made him lay his hands on me again, but then he immediately apologized. Should I forgive him? Is it all my fault? Should I keep moving out? I do not know what to do. I still want to be with him, but at the same time I don’t want to.

It hurts again

Hey, it hurts again:

You got it all wrong. You think the point is not to trust each other, but it is not. You need to leave, it hurts again. Not because he ignored you or because he talks to other girls, but because he laid hands on you twice. It is not normal! Is always! Sorry or not, it’s done, it’s over, it’s time to move on.

Look, you probably shouldn’t have texted the other guy behind your boyfriend’s back. If you were feeling paranoid or not getting enough attention, you should talk to him about it. You could tell him how you feel instead of flirting with someone else, which will undoubtedly make your situation worse. And yet, what you did does not give him the right to go behind your back too, but it was definitely a wrong move. It is your fault? Maybe, maybe not. But that’s not the point, Hurt. Even if it was your fault, it doesn’t justify his reaction to physical contact with you. Not even a little. Imagine what he might do to you in the future if you really screw it up.

So, should you keep moving out? Hell yes! Once you have a safe place, pack your bags and hit the bricks (and don’t tell him where you are going). You may still have some feelings for this guy, but trust me, you don’t want to be with him. Check out the book Why Does He Do It? Landy Bancroft, while you’re at it. It will help you better understand what’s going on in your hot ex’s head, protect yourself, and hopefully help you avoid shit like this in the future. Finally, should he be forgiven? Of course you can, if you like. But here’s the thing, Hurt: you don’t have to stay with him to forgive him . They are not the same thing. Forgive the guy and get on with your life. Find yourself someone who will pay attention to you and will not leave bruises. Or better yet, take the time to come to your senses and sort out your life.

That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and foggy inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY HAS BEEN REMOVED . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.


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