How Much Digital Privacy Should You Give Your Kids?
There seems to be a new study being published almost every week that contradicts previous research on how much screen time kids should – and shouldn’t – be allowed. But assuming you’ve decided to take the plunge and buy your child a phone, tablet, or computer, the difficult choice isn’t over – in fact, it’s just begun. Now you need to figure out how much digital privacy they are allowed.
It depends on age … and personality
The degree of privacy you give your children when it comes to their phones and other devices “depends entirely on age,” explains Sean Grover, an LCSW psychotherapist practicing in Manhattan. “Children of primary school age do not need privacy; High school kids should generally be allowed to visit approved sites, but I still wouldn’t say, ‘Of course, let them go to their room and have complete freedom of action on the Internet.’
For older school children, the amount of digital privacy you offer will vary based on your child’s emotional and social well-being. “If your child is more withdrawn, more isolated from society and more and more digitalized, this can become a real problem,” says Grover.
In such a case, parents need to keep an eye on what’s going on and you can offer less privacy to your kids.
“You have instincts, and they exist for a reason,” says Titania Jordan, Chief Child Officer at Bark , Digital Security Solutions for Parents.
On the other hand, “if a teen gets their emotional needs met, technology is just something else they do for fun,” says Grover.
As parents, we want to know that children can build their own relationships and live apart from their parents, ”says Wendy Rice, psychologist, licensed psychologist and founder of the Rice Psychology Group in Tampa, Florida. Nowadays, she says, kids often “hang out” with technology, and for that they need a certain level of privacy.
Password confidentiality
Whether a parent of an older child should have their own password depends on the level of trust in the relationship.
“It depends on the dynamics of the family, the level of maturity and the personality of the child,” says Jordan. “If they have a lot of problems, you have to weigh it against the privacy factor.”
Grover says he doesn’t mind parents knowing their kids’ digital passwords, but he thinks it’s important that they talk openly about it. “Your child – especially in elementary or middle school – needs to know that you have one and that you check on him from time to time. This way the kids will be more careful, ”he says. If you are a little more careful, they are less likely to engage in risky online behavior – with both friends and strangers.
Having a digital password – and even checking it periodically – is different from constantly checking or reading all correspondence. Experts believe that the latter activity should be avoided.
To read or not to read?
According to Grover, child spying is a deception and a “terrible model.” (Think of this as the digital equivalent of reading your child’s diary.)
As a therapist working with young people, he says everything is confidential, unless he feels that the child might harm himself or someone else. And that’s a good basic principle to follow when it comes to digital privacy. “If you suspect your child has a drug problem, or is often late, or has another cause for concern about their well-being, then you can read his message,” he says.
But if you’re just curious and not particularly worried about your child’s behavior, “I generally wouldn’t recommend it,” says Grover, who is also the author of When Children Call for Shots: How to Take Control. Cute Bully – and enjoy parenting again .
But remember that in some cases you have the right to check this. “Children need to know that their parents can verify that they are not entitled to absolute privacy on their devices,” says Rice. If they are in control of their behavior, this is a two-way street to curb your curiosity if you don’t have genuine concerns. “In any case, you cannot control everything,” she says. “It’s much more important to have open communication lines.”
And, as Rice says, from a child’s perspective, “It’s definitely not nice to be spied on all the time,” she says.
Rice says that while working with parents and children, she found that “too many parents go in there and remove things or respond to people as if they were a child,” instead of going to their child and asking, “Can you tell about it? “The latter is always better.
Time to track?
While most phones offer tracking technology, it’s not entirely clear if you choose to follow your child’s movements.
Jordan says she thinks tracking a child’s phone is less aggressive than reading their correspondence, and can be beneficial in the worst case scenario, such as if the child is missing. But just like your child’s password, it’s important to be honest about your intentions. “Don’t use it to spy on them or anything like that, just let them know that you have it and that you can check them from time to time,” she says.
“I fully support full disclosure tracking,” adds Grover. “Many children who come to therapy say that their mother always texts them and asks where they are. Interestingly, I say, “How about your mom doesn’t stalk you or embarrass you in front of your friends if you let her use the tracker.” They don’t hit and they say “okay,” he says.
In addition, he adds, if a child is “strongly against” the tracker, it could be a sign that something is wrong.
Rice says she has mixed feelings about the tracker, but realizes that sometimes it is necessary, in an ideal world she would say no. “Kids need a little freedom,” she says.
“It’s all about how to determine how much space you want to give them. These independence problems usually arose from the children getting their own phone lines and car keys. They are one and the same, they are just different tools, ”says Jordan.