Your Homemade Cranberry Sauce Sucks

Today is a day of gratitude, family and good food. Now can you pass the cranberry sauce, please. No, not that homemade shit; chopped gel from a jar.

I hate homemade cranberry sauce. It is either too tart or too sweet; massive fibrous pieces of very bitter berries float in it; and it’s so damn bright that I feel like I’m eating a mixture of old world colors. It looks like a big bowl of abominations that movie studios use when they blow people’s heads in category B horror movies. Yes, I’ll pull the weird shaking things out of an intentionally inverted can, thanks. With my toppings, it’s just fine, and the chef doesn’t have to add another “absolutely necessary” side dish to his long list of dishes to cook in the kitchen and then complain to me about it.

I mean, cranberry sauce isn’t really even a sauce. It’s more of a pleasure, and some people in different parts of the country even call it that. Sauces have to be complex and special, but cranberry sauce is like two ingredients. Which? Should I be impressed that you cooked berries and sugar together on the stove? Forward! You are really moving there! Stop looking at me like this granny, I don’t eat … Okay, okay, I’ll have a drink, but I’m going to blog about it and I’ll be very sarcastic.

Now let’s talk about quantity. It’s just too much cranberry sauce, like, all the time. Even when I use cranberry sauce, I need very little. Everyone needs a little. Enough to balance the savory flavor of the filling with the sweetness. But when people do it themselves, there is always a huge fucking bowl. Why? Who Needs That Much Cranberry Sauce? Now you only have a bunch of leftover cranberry sauce that no one is going to eat – cool. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.


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