How Not to Apologize

Dude, there has been a tsunami of sexual harassment allegations in the last couple of weeks, right? And although some of the accused remain silent or categorically deny their guilt, others hastened to apologize.

But most of those apologies were not genuine remorse at all. Take, for example, President George W. Bush’s apology for groping for young women : “To calm people down, the president usually tells the same joke, and sometimes he pats women on the buttocks, which he intended to be good. -natural manner. Some thought it was innocent; others clearly find it inappropriate. President Bush sincerely apologizes to everyone he has offended. “

This is the classic “I’m sorry you’re upset” apology and should be counted among the most outrageous things one person can say to another. He does not take responsibility for harming another person and only sympathizes with his suffering, for example: “Wow, I’m so sorry that you are sad because of the death of your cat,” and not “I’m sorry that I killed your cat.” … This very subtly implies that there is something wrong with your emotional mindset, that you are so upset about something that is obviously not worth apologizing for.

Or take, for example, Kevin Spacey’s response to Anthony Rapp’s claim that Spacey raped Rapp when he was 14 and Spacey was 26:

In this, Spacey says he does not remember (which casts doubt on the statement); he was drunk (as drunkenness justifies reprehensible behavior); and finally – this fool – uses his apology to appear to the world. Let’s talk about deflection and misdirection. Talk about not apologizing for assaulting your child.

Or consider a statement by Harvey Weinstein in which he said, “I came of age in the 60s and 70s, when all the rules of behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture back then, ”which sparked a wave of derision on Twitter :

Guys, how hard is it to sincerely apologize? Now I understand that a lawyer can advise not to apologize, because this can be interpreted as an admission of wrongdoing. In that case, don’t say anything at all – this mealy stuff only makes you look like a mealy fool.

So what could be a good apology? Psychologist Karina Schumann published an article about 1) why it is so difficult to effectively apologize and 2) the eight components that make up a sincere apology. Number one is “You really have to use words, sorry,” and number two is “Admit you screwed up.” Add “Tell the person how you will fix the situation” and “Promise to behave better next time,” and you are well on your way to making amends.

Do not do what Robert Scoble did, who did not categorically apologize, and did not actually dispute on the blog every accusation against him. Against legal advice. In the second sentence, he takes a page from a book by George W. Bush: “I’m sorry that so many women feel hurt.” And don’t do what venture capitalists Justin Coldback and Dave McClure did after they were forced to quit their jobs, which is to post jocular new job titles on their LinkedIn profiles . Don’t care if anyone thinks you’re repenting? At least keep your mouth shut.

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