How to Tell If You Are Complaining
Mansplacing has become one of the defining phenomena of the 21st century, and its pedantic tentacles touch everything from the latest presidential campaign to online riffs about how women simply can’t “catch” Rick and Morty. Even though we’ve come a long way to naming and shaming the criminals among us, on the other side of this exchange, catching ourselves in the act (and taking a step back) can be a challenge for anyone who has assumed their entire lives there is always something interesting and useful to say, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Typically, men’s complaints raise their heads with several obvious characteristics – when you cut off a woman in mid-sentence; When you think it would be a good idea to explain to her why she is mistaken in describing something in the field in which she received her Ph.D. ( examples of which abound on the plaintiff’s preferred platform on Twitter); or just about any sentence that starts with “well, actually.”
“The intersection of self-confidence and ignorance”
The term “unfounded explanation” is often attributed to the writer Rebecca Solnit, who defines it as “the intersection of overconfidence and ignorance that gets stuck in some part of this gender.” More broadly, it is used to describe when a speaker (usually a male) offers an unsolicited opinion about something, often a topic with which the person he is talking to is already familiar.
But the problem with human explanations is that, until recently, they were pretty much an unmarked and detrimental part of society. This means well-meaning detractors may be overlooking obvious social cues about their bad behavior, in part because they have never been challenged before.
To help people who genuinely want to curb their own complaints (and shift the burden of recognition onto their weary audience), we spoke to several body language experts who shared tips on how to recognize when you’ve started territories, even if no one is directly objects to you about this. And yes, I understand that the very nature of this post may be considered unfounded, but again, having a widely accepted definition of misconduct has helped to expose other related phenomena, such as a complaint , gender explanation, or accidentally cheating pants so that anyone can use retraining to recognize unwanted pedantic comments from you.
You get too big
When it comes to revealing human misconduct, space is a win-win. Consciously or unconsciously, a human speller often rushes into unoccupied space to appear larger or to physically intimidate him. Experts say this could include actually moving into physical space of the person they are talking to – literally hitting you in the face – but also more subtle movements so that the person can spread out into empty air: fold their arms, put their feet on the table or put your hands inside. belt loop. (Think of this as the hapless cousin of Power Posing ‘s masculine courage.)
“When this happens, you tend to give these signals, which are more indicative of what you think is your own masculinity,” says Tonya Reiman, body language expert and author of The Power of Body Language . Crossing arms is often considered a defensive move, Reiman says, but it can also be an aggressive effort by someone trying to get bigger.
“This is an unconscious movement that people tend to make,” she said.
If you find yourself taking up more space or filling the empty space between you and the other person, stop yourself and back off before you start scaring.
Your voice grows fast and furious
My favorite recent real-life example of prostitutes using their voices as a conversational baton happened in a queue at a toilet on Coney Island this June.
I was waiting in a very long line for the toilet during the annual Mermaid Parade when a drunken bro felt the need to become the marshal of the line, starting a conversation with everyone about the need to pee quickly and efficiently (which, obviously, everyone already knew, since waiting in line for the bathroom of the bar – one of the favorite entertainment of New Yorkers). He noticed a girl in a fisherman costume and began to explain how she, with a foil protrusion on her head, looked exactly like a fisherman.
“You look exactly like this fish!” he said as she stopped with a puzzled expression on her face, letting him fall into the poisonous maelstrom. “Go home, go to Google and enter this fish called” rage fish “and you will know what I mean!”
His voice grew louder and faster, she just smiled and nodded politely, obviously pleased to let the guy embarrass her, until I finally leaned over and said, “I’m pretty sure she knows how she is dressed.” He then called her evil for letting him down.
“This is a typical cheating tactic,” said Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the most of first impressions, body language and charisma. Raising the voice and speeding up the conversation is a way to assert dominance, a kind of verbal iteration of the spread of a person.
“We will act quickly, especially when we are stressed, anxious, or want to sell an idea or look smart,” Wood said. “Fast paced means we can interrupt.”
Beware of non-verbal sarcasm
This bro, who was complaining about the woman from the Mermaid Parade, could have avoided embarrassment if he knew how to read her basic bodily sarcasm.
Wood said that while we usually think of fight-or-flight responses, the actual limbic brain responses begin with “freezing” before fighting and fleeing.
“They are surprised at that moment,” she said. “They can back off a bit like it’s an attack.”
The facial reaction of the person you are talking to is an important sign: Reiman advised looking for things like clenching the jaw, moving the jaw to the side, or flaring the nostrils, which can be a sign of restraint in anger. She calls these movements “non-verbal sarcasm” because they allow your body to say that you are listening while your brain does not believe what you are being told.
The listener’s non-verbal sarcasm can quickly turn into real shame. If the person you are talking to looks down or covers their neck with your hands, this is a sign that you are not only complaining, but that you are dealing with the person with whom you are talking, mostly by refusing to talk.
“They are ashamed,” Reiman said. “This person is either feeling something emotional or feeling like they just got hit.”
Good phone connection and other tips
Fraud sneaks into a lot of conversations, and you might think that any conversation that includes an “explanation” could put you at risk of being called a plaintiff. And that’s okay! The balance of power in society has really been messed up for thousands of years – and we’re only in the first few decades to fix it – so there will be a lot of over-fixing within a minute. Here are some simple tips to remember to avoid falling into a hopeless pit:
Have a good phone connection (or not talk on the phone at all)
A poorly connected phone call makes it difficult to pick up on these non-verbal cues that you are complaining, Wood says.
“During a really good phone call, you tend to hear the person breathing, you hear their auditory responses, you hear their limbic responses,” she said. “You know whether they are with you or not, you know whether they understand or not.
Poor communication means you may miss these cues – for example, harsh breaths that might indicate surprise or other emotion in your voice – and may speak louder and longer to fill in the gaps in the conversation.
Recognize Complaining Is a “Thing”
You will not be called out to complain every time you do this, but you must enter every conversation, realizing that it exists and that you may be to blame for it. At the very least, you should try to put yourself in the shoes of the person you are talking to, ”Reiman said.
“The best way to do this is to turn off the autopilot when you are near the opposite sex,” she said.
Change the situation the other way around: would you feel indulgent if someone spoke to you the way you intend to speak to another person? If so, this is a good indicator that it is time to rethink your approach.
Mostly stay away from Twitter forever
There are not so many simpletons on Twitter, because the structure of the site allows you to immediately disagree with someone without knowing anything about him. Maybe the woman you’re going to @ on climate change is actually a NASA scientist, maybe the woman you’re yelling at your respect for the flag is an Iraq War veteran. Maybe you, oh, I don’t know, will start criticizing a journalist on Twitter for the story they wrote without even reading this damn article first . Twitter’s anonymity makes it easy to argue with someone about a topic you don’t have any experience with .
Twitter’s 140-character limit makes it bad for most forms of conversation at the moment, and it’s full of self-styled devil advocates who come to women with “well, actually” responses to pretty much everything they tweet.
Here are some examples of behaviors to avoid on Twitter; someone even created a helpful flowchart to find out when you might be complaining online.
The easiest way to say
Laura Dudley, Director of Applied Behavior Analysis Programs at Northeastern University, points out the only sure way to know if you’re complaining at all:
Perhaps most importantly, was your explanation requested? Dudley asked.
If the answer is no, guess what? You [voice of Jeff Foxworthy] just might be a delinquent.