What to Say to a Bride-to-Be Who Marries an Asshole
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a man who thinks his friend is making the mistake of marrying a jerk. Oh, and he’s holding a wedding.
Mind you, I’m not a therapist or any other healthcare professional – I’m just a guy willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
Hi, Patrick,
My best friend got engaged at the end of July, and then I was very happy for her! I hadn’t met her fiancé yet, but still my best friend was getting married and she looked in awe of it, so I was very supportive. They asked me to host their wedding last month and I agreed. However, since I agreed, I have learned something interesting about him and also chatted with him.
First, I learned that her fiancé actually went to war with her parents over the wedding. He wants the final word on every aspect of the wedding, even though her parents pay for almost everything. He demands that the wedding be scheduled for November, despite the increased costs in such a short timeframe.
In addition, mutual friends regaled me with tales of the man’s general horror. The bridesmaid told me that when she was supposed to meet him, he was two hours late for lunch because he had “just got up,” and she didn’t actually meet him until the party more than a month later, at which he didn’t. apologized for all this. On another occasion, a friend mentioned a traumatic childhood experience, and he spent the rest of the night telling her that it was stupid to hurt herself by joking about her score. The first group chat organized for the wedding fell apart when he was joking and one of the bridesmaids (who is a lesbian) asked him not to joke, but he continued for the next two hours, scolding her and calling other group members’ names because “nobody tells me what to do. “
Everything this guy did repeatedly and loudly told me that he was not the right person for my friend. Regardless, she truly loves him and – at least for now – wants to spend the rest of her life with him. However, some of our mutual friends have stated that they will not go to events where he will be present, or that they will not invite her to any events in order to avoid him coming.
With that in mind, I feel like I should still have a wedding, but I am concerned about how my girlfriend will handle the isolation from many of her friends as a result of this marriage. What I’m interested in is: What can I do right now and in the future to help my friend get through an extremely difficult first marriage?
Thanks for seeing this before
Hi, I’ve seen this before:
Requirements? No respect for someone else’s time? Funny jokes that are probably not even a little funny? Woof, this guy seems like a real bag of dirt (“no one tells me what to do” really gets him crazy). But here’s the thing: whatever you tell me about this guy is the point of view of you or your mutual friends. You never mentioned what she thought of this guy’s actions. The fact that she didn’t complain, feel uncomfortable, or admit to doubts makes me think that she is relatively happy with the situation, despite all these seemingly egregious problems. Who knows? Maybe she’s a bit of a dirtbag too, and she likes it. You said she was “delighted” with it, that’s all. You continue to fulfill your duties and be her friend as much as you can.
But you are worried about her impending isolation – I understand. In the event that she doesn’t know how you and the rest of your friends feel about this guy, you should tell her (when you do, I’ll leave it to you). Not because your desires matter when it comes to their marriage, but because you are all planning to excommunicate her. You have the right not to be around a shitty person who will make you unhappy – I would also refuse to hang out with that dummy – but she has a right to know what’s going on. Don’t ghost her and make her wonder why all of her friends seemed to disappear as soon as she got married. It will eventually make her feel worse – as if she did something wrong – and she will cling more to this punk because she will feel like this is all she has left.
However, keep in mind that if you tell her all this wrong, it can backfire. She might be upset that you tried to ruin what she still thought was perfect. Or she may feel like she has to pick a side and then pick him. When raising this issue, be careful and focus on your feelings, not your opinion of this guy. Don’t tell her what an asshole he is! Mention something like that you are uncomfortable with him, that you are different people, and that you really do not get along. Tell her that you are happy for her, but that you would like to spend some time only with her, if possible, like in the good old days.
As for what you can do for her now and in the future: let her know that you will always be her friend and that you will always be by her side, no matter what happens . These last few words are very important. Whether she gets it permanently or not, make sure she knows she can always count on you. The rest she must find out for herself.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY TO OPEN . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.