How to Have Sex With Young Children
Children are wonderful miracles, but heck they destroy your sex life. From clinging to your side at any time of the day, to knocking on your bedroom door at night, to sucking out all your energy, kids make it nearly impossible to even dream of being active again.
But there is hope! Here’s how to have sex when you have young children.
Communicate
Communication is always important in a relationship, but it is very important for new parents. You cannot have a sex life like parents of young children if you cannot talk about it. It’s too easy to remain unsaid, and frustration and resentment build up.
Talk to each other on quiet, private time about the problems of maintaining a sex life. Ask each other what you need to feel open to sex. As I mentioned above, each of you may need completely different things. One partner may need more help around the house with chores, while the other partner may need more time alone. Anything that worries one of you should worry both of you. Even if you cannot find solutions, empathize with each other for the problems you face. If you feel like you’re on the same team, admitting your frustrations together, both of you will feel infinitely better.
Communication can even extend to your children. You can start talking to your children about the need for privacy and space. You can also talk to your kids about age-appropriate sex.
Stay Connected
It takes a lot of effort to stay in touch with your partner, even when you have young children. But your relationship needs this energy and attention to survive. Some people use sex to connect, but other people need to feel connected in order to have sex.
Don’t forget to schedule regular dates. And when dating, talk about something other than your kids. Your relationship needs a space free of children.
Try to touch each other throughout the day – hugs, kisses, fondles. This is not only fun but also prevents stress on touch. Many couples stop touching each other in non-sexual ways. Over time, touch becomes associated only with sex. You get to the point where you are wary of each other for fear of being touched, because behind the touch you feel the agenda.
Put your partner above what you do
If you’re like many parents, as soon as your kids go to bed, you start a frantic rush to complete all the things you neglected during the day. You run around the house for hours and then finally crash, exhausted. No time for intimacy.
The reality is that there will always be housework. You will never feel like you are moving forward when you become a new parent. Spending a little time socializing and being intimate with your partner will make you feel better over time than doing another batch of laundry. Try your best to prioritize spending some time together once your kids start working. Who knows, you might even get a boost of energy after sex and feel inspired to finish eating.
Create privacy
To stay sane, you need to create some privacy. Hire a nanny or send the kids to their grandparents. Work with your partner to allow one another to be alone from time to time. And try to get the kids to sleep in their own beds as often as possible. Many parents worry that their children will need them in the middle of the night, but it’s actually quite easy to interrupt sex. If your child suddenly needs you, you are unlikely to be completely inaccessible to him.
Set yourself up for success
There are many logistical realities that make sex difficult when there are children in the home. You may be worried that your child will lash out at you while you are naked, or that you might hear the guttural moans you make when you are close to orgasm. Fortunately, many of these problems can be dealt with. Play white noise or music to block out your sounds. Adjust the screws on the bed frame so that it no longer squeaks. Put a lock on the door.
One quick note – you and your partner will have different problems. You may not be as worried about making noise as your partner. This is fine. Don’t waste your time, energy, and goodwill arguing about “should something” bother any of you. If something is preventing either of you from taking an interest in intimacy, work as a team to find a solution.
Get creative
Sex just won’t work the way it did before you had children. You will have to be much more creative and much less picky. Here are some ideas:
- Schedule sex
- Have sex at different times of the day.
- Take advantage of even the tiniest time on your own. Are the kids gone for 15 minutes? Go to the bedroom immediately.
- Try different places. If your child passes out in your bedroom after a bad sleep, lock yourself in a den.
- Be open to a variety of sexual activities. Maybe you just have the time or energy to kiss or masturbate together.
- Get help. Organize child exchanges with family, friends, or neighbors.
Do what you can
I will not sugarcoat it; your sex life will not be the same as it was before you had children. But with communication, effort and patience, it can be enough to hold out until your kids are a little older!