Stoic Parenting Tips
The great historical Stoic philosophers may not have known what parenting would be like today, but they still have some wisdom to share with modern parents.
About your role as a teacher
People often think that being a parent means being a breadwinner, but you are also your child’s guide through life. Epictetus wrote:
Be careful and leave your sons well instructed and not rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant. – Conversations , CXLV
Teaching your children about self-care, responsibility, valuable skills and, in general, how to live will always be of paramount importance. Yes, provide them, but do not forget to show them the way.
What to praise about
For the Stoics, praise was of little benefit and was often seen as a trap for those who persecuted it. So, Stoics like Marcus Aurelius believed that praise was rarely used:
Anything that is in any way beautiful is beautiful in itself and ends in itself, without praise as a part of itself … [What is] beautiful because it is praised, or spoiled when it is accused? – Meditation
But that doesn’t mean you should completely give up your child’s praise. No, Aurelius simply invites you to be careful and discreet with praise:
… that a person becomes both better, so to speak, and more praiseworthy, if he uses these accidents correctly. – Meditation
You see, the Stoics believed that praise should be given to those who try, fail, and learn. Praise when your child tries something, talk him into continuing when he fails, and praise him for not giving up when he succeeds. This is the difference between the words: “You are so smart!” as if it was a natural thing to achieve them, and “You worked so hard!” which suggests that they deserve their triumph.
About managing your anger and frustration
Sometimes kids can be a handful and make you want to lose it, especially when they do something stupid. But Seneca recommends giving the kids and your partner a little leeway:
Rather, you should think about it: no one should be angry about men’s mistakes. Tell me, is it worth getting angry with those who stumble in the dark? With those who do not listen to commands because they are deaf? With children, because forgetting about their duties, they watch games and silly games of their playmates? Would you like to be angry with those who get tired due to illness or aging? … So that you do not get angry with individual people, you must forgive humanity as a whole, you must give humankind indulgence. – De Ira
Instead of losing your temper and turning a kid’s mistake into a screaming holiday, make it an experience for both of you. As Marcus Aurelius says:
Be tolerant of others and hard on yourself. – Meditation
It may be your fault, not theirs. In addition, the old routine “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” can work well for some children.
About maintaining a healthy lifestyle
When times are tough and the toddlers are running around and you are out of control, or when the teenagers are out of control, Marcus Aurelius invites you to start your day with some gratitude:
When you wake up in the morning, think about what a precious privilege it is to be alive – to breathe, think, enjoy, love. – Meditation
You are alive, you have a family, and you love them. It’s not that bad, is it? It could always be worse. Is always.
About fostering good values
This quote from Epictetus is not meant specifically for parents, but Matt Van Natta of The Immoderate Stoic suggests it could be a great family exercise:
Don’t let sleep close your tired eyes until you count every day’s action: “Where did I go wrong? What I’ve done? What debt was left unfulfilled? Reconsider your actions from first to last, and then scold yourself for pathetic [or cowardly] actions, but rejoice in what you did well. ” – Conversations , 3.10.2-3
This meditation at the end of the day might be something you can bring to the family dinner table. Ask your children what they did today, ask them what they did wrong (and what they learned from it), and ask what they didn’t so they can start learning to think ahead and plan. This is an easy way to teach them how to better reflect their actions, as well as how to take more responsibility for what they do.
About punishment
When your child has done something wrong and needs to be punished, Plutarch suggests the following:
I try to get rid of anger, if possible, not by depriving those who are subject to punishment, the right to speak up for them, but by listening to their pleas. For as the passage of time gives a pause to passion and a delay that dissolves it, so the sentence reveals a suitable method of punishment and an adequate amount. – De Cohibend Ira
Don’t get angry when it comes time to punish the child. Listen to them and find out. Understand their point of view, gather information that will help you prevent further problems, and give yourself time to cool off so you can choose a fair punishment.
How not to spoil your children
Children will get hysterical and try to get their way from time to time. Seneca tells parents to be persistent and never give up:
Therefore, in childhood, all contact with flattery should be avoided; let the child hear the truth, sometimes even let him be afraid, let him always be respectful, let him rise in front of the elders. Don’t let him get a request out of anger; when he is calm, let them offer him what they refused when he cried. Moreover, let him see, but not use the wealth of his parents. When he has done wrong, let him be reprimanded … First of all, keep his food simple, his clothing inexpensive, and his lifestyle the same as that of his comrades. A boy will never be angry with someone who is considered equal to himself, whom you considered equal to many from the very beginning. – De Ira
Giving up will spoil the kids, Seneca says, and teaches them to get hot when they grow up. They learn that being angry will help them. Remain firm and only offer what you initially thought was right.