How to Try Out a Sexual Fantasy – Even If You’re Not Sure You’ll Love It
Fantasies come in different intensities. Some of them are so compelling that you just have to act on them. But other fantasies fall into a different category: ones that make you curious but also make you a little nervous. Maybe it’s a fantasy that’s stuck in your head and you’re not sure if you want to bring it to life. Or maybe your partner suggested something that you hadn’t thought of before. When your feelings aren’t very strong anyway, it can be difficult to know if you should really try.
Here’s how to experiment with a fantasy – yours or your partner’s – if you’re not sure you’ll like it.
Do not rush
Many people feel pressured to act on their fantasies right away, but you really don’t need to rush, especially if you’re feeling insecure or nervous. Give yourself time to think, decide which is more convenient for you, and set everything up correctly. When you’re ready, the fantasy stays with you.
In particular, I recommend spending a lot of time on yourself if you are with a new partner. Try to play with guided fantasies first until you feel more comfortable and trusting in your partner. (In other words, you may want to try Velcro handcuffs before fully immobilizing your limbs.)
Be open
Fantasy can be really difficult as most of us feel uncomfortable or confused about our desires. Even if you have had fantasies for years and are deeply aroused, you may still find it difficult to say or ask for it out loud. Admitting that you have a fantasy – either about yourself or about a partner – is a vulnerable act. When it comes to fantasies that you are not sure about, it can be difficult to ask for them differently. It’s important to constantly remind yourself that your desires matter and that it’s worth trying to get used to. After all, learning about your desires is one of the most important aspects of understanding your own sexuality.
(Just as you want your partner to respect your wishes and be willing to listen, you must show the same level of concern. Your partner deserves your respect; do your best to consider his fantasies with an open mind. Remember how courageous it is. is required to share your fantasy. Discuss this with them, even if you initially want to decline their request.)
Masturbate to it
One of the quickest ways to tell if you are doing something is to try masturbating to it (if you haven’t already). Actively fantasize about the details of your potential date while you masturbate alone. If it’s a common fantasy like threesome or gay sex, you might find erotica or porn with that particular act. Watch or read as you masturbate and try to imagine yourself in a story or scene.
If fantasy causes your heart rate to increase by a few beats per minute, it is probably worth experimenting. If it actively disconnects you, it might be worth stopping there. If you’re somewhere in between, try at least the next step.
Dirty talk in the first place
Dirty talk about fantasies is one of the most underrated sexual acts. It’s hot on its own, and it’s a great way to figure out what you’re thinking about the next step. It is sometimes difficult to know how you feel about fantasy when you are alone, but discussing it with your partner can make your feelings clearer.
While you are fooling around, discuss fantasies with your partner as if you were doing it live. You can mention outside the bedroom that you want to play with dirty talk first. Or you can invite them to talk about it right now. As you sit down, say something like, “Tell me more about the outfit you want me to wear …”
With dirty talk, you can play with your fantasies without actually changing your behavior. You may even find yourself happy to leave fantasy as a dirty talk. For example, many monogamous couples like to talk about threesomes or group sex.
Break it down into little rungs
If your fantasy passes the tests of masturbation and dirty talking, you may decide it’s time to embody it in the real world. Here’s another place where most people go wrong: they dive right in, trying to act out the entire fantasy. You don’t have to jump to the deep end right away, especially if you’re nervous. Instead, break your fantasy down into small steps.
Try to determine what you or your partner really likes about this fantasy. From there, see if you can find ways to play with this centerpiece without resorting to fancy. For example, let’s say you’ve always been a little curious about having sex with someone else’s fantasy. In fact, you don’t have to immediately look for a stranger to have sex with. You can play with your partner as a stranger. Or, if you have a complete dominance and submission fantasy, you may want a reliable partner to start with a one-night stand.
Define your fears
Does your fantasy (or your partner’s) make you nervous? See if you can better understand what is bothering you and try to minimize those problems. For example, in threesome fantasies, you might worry about getting pissed off when you see your partner penetrate another person. You can try having a threesome with your third person watching you and your partner or doing everything, including penetration, with the two of you.
Be safe
As always with any bedroom adventure, safety comes first! Create a safe word that you can use to stop activity at any time. Make sure you fully understand the directions for use of any toys or equipment. Talk about your experiences afterward, and give yourself and your partner a chance to reflect on whatever came up for both of you.
Create a game plan for the worst-case scenario
You can calm yourself and your partner by coming up with a game plan for extra support if your fantasy goes wrong. For more intense fantasies, such as playing with pain or attracting another person, you can try scheduling a sex therapy or family counseling session so you know you will have a safe space to reflect on what happened.
In most cases, thinking through the worst-case scenario is actually a great way to remind yourself that the stakes aren’t that high. For most fantasies, the worst thing that can happen is when you try something, but you end up not liking it. There probably won’t be any long-term implications for experimenting with your partner’s whipping or visiting a nudist resort.
Relieve the pressure
When it comes to sex (and in fact, most things in life), you can’t always know if you will like something or not if you don’t try it. You may well not like it – and that’s okay.
Tell your partner ahead of time that you value their willingness to play with your fantasies with you, and let them know that trying to fantasize once doesn’t mean you have to do it on a consistent basis. Any of you can always stop in the middle and say, “You know what, I don’t like this as much as I thought. Let’s get back to our business as usual. ” Or after that either of you might want to say, “I don’t think I want to try this again. Once was enough for me. “
Release the pressure on yourself and your fantasies in a way that will help both of you feel more comfortable experimenting with different fantasies in the future.