How to Get Your Dad to Stop Sending You Racist Emails
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
We have a son this week who doesn’t know how to deal with his father’s often racist email threads.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
With the exception of my brother, my entire family is the Fox News brainwashed type. I’m a giant liberal with a bleeding heart. I also have relationships with all of them that could best be described as “cordial,” and I have long given up hopes of improving them. We’re just very different people, and I put up with it.
I keep social networking with them to a minimum in the name of preserving the world. Several years ago, I went through an eye-rolling newsletter from my uncle, my dad’s older brother, to which I began to reply with links from Snopes or other sources that refuted the idiocy that was being sent to him. My uncle is a bully and he didn’t like it when I did it and whined endlessly about it, but in the end it had the desired effect: I was removed from his email.
Unfortunately, my uncle also greatly influenced my father. The Pope has always been relatively conservative, but in the past few years he has turned sharply to the right in a rather disappointing and disgusting way. Right now, I mostly ignore emails, although sometimes I reply with links that refute whatever was in them, depending on how blatantly stupid it was. My question is, should I continue this behavior or should I become more aggressive in trying to keep him from sending them to me? Silence is shit, but I do not harbor illusions that my dad regained his sight and understood: “HEY, BEING A RACISTIC SHIT IS NOT FOR ME!” And while my relationship with my parents is warm at best, I don’t really want it to get worse. This seems like little upside potential with a lot of potential downsides if you run into it about it, but it’s still tempting to give it a try.
Thank you,
Not so lucky son
Hey not so lucky son:
Silence is not the answer here, but you are right, you should not have any illusion that you can change your father’s mind. I am sure that he is one of those who are “in their own way”. You are an adult with your own opinion of the world, and it seems that your political discussions are creating a rift that will only grow with time. You are a little disappointed with your conservative racist dad. He is a little disappointed with his bleeding liberal son. But this does not mean that you still cannot maintain a cordial – as you put it – relationship with him. Who knows? You may even be able to improve the situation a little. I can .
How? First, stop shooting. Don’t fall for the bait. Your answers only kindle the fire, Not a very lucky son. Then, if you can’t watch these attackers show up in your inbox, tell him, please, stop sending you these emails! You do not have to swear an oath to your father by email. However, don’t just send an angry email back. Send your request in person or at least by phone. He needs to know that you are serious about it, and not just want to be a whiny snowflake. It’s time to be brave and stand up for yourself, kid.
When he asks why, or taunts it – and this is vital – be very serious and tell him that it is because you are family and you love him, but you feel that this behavior creates a break in your relationship, and you do not. I don’t want it to get wider than you already feel . He needs to know. He may be on the other end of the spectrum, but that doesn’t mean he can’t understand a little when it comes to his own family. Tell him that you would be happy to receive an email, call, or text message from him, if it’s not about politics. Tell him that you would rather talk about the good old days (if any), sports, hunting, cars, movies, everything else. Or, plan a father and son event to reconnect and give both of you a chance to understand each other better. You must avoid the political news tug of war! If anything, focus on what you like about your dad and start there. Electronic chains are never a good way to truly communicate or understand someone, so don’t let that become the center of your relationship.
If that doesn’t work and he doesn’t stop, block his email – and then tell him you did it. You have to do what you and your happiness need, but he still needs to know. And this process should not be one last attack, coup de grâce – no, you bow out. You are different people – you have come to terms with it – so let him think he won and move on. Leave the bear alone, give him food, and move to greener pastures. Hope you and your father can grasp the heart of the matter and focus on finding a less racist middle ground.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). Or tweet me with #ToughLove ! Also, DO NOT WRITE TO ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR INQUIRY HAS BEEN REMOVED . I don’t have time to answer everyone for fun. “Until next time, figure it out yourself.