How to Be Persuasive Without Speaking up Against It
When you really want to get something done, you sometimes have to persuade others. And in the end, a little push (in the right direction) doesn’t hurt anyone. But there is a fine line between persuasiveness and threats.
Last week, Alaska Senators Lisa Murkowski and Dan Sullivan raised concerns about a phone call from Home Secretary Ryan Zinke that they believed was a threat . Murkowski, a Republican, voted against the recent Republican health proposal – then Zinke reached out to both of them to say their state’s relationship with the Trump administration was now in jeopardy. The move sparked much outrage, and some even accused the White House of extortion. Whether Zinke really intended to threaten or not, she did. And threats rarely work, especially for us ordinary people who don’t deal with government centers, super villains or mafia bosses.
Be a more responsive person
Persuasion may seem a little strange or creepy at times, but it’s not about manipulation. It’s about imagining yourself as someone others are willing to fight for, or even just listen to. So how can you be more convincing in your day-to-day life? First, focus on reciprocity. In the book Influence: The Psychology of Belief , Dr. Robert Cialdini explains that when someone receives something from you, they are more likely to give something back. For example, if you invite someone to your birthday, they are more likely to invite you to their birthday.
If you want someone to be on your side, be the first and make sure they feel personalized and perhaps even unexpected. And it never hurts to strike a deal. If you can offer them something, they are much more willing to pay attention to you. The worst way to approach someone is to threaten to take something away. It’s about giving, not taking.
Show them that you are on their side
Then, get yourself into your thinking. What do they think about this? Mirror their behavior so they don’t feel uncomfortable, and then match your predicted attitude with theirs . Let’s say, for example, you have lunch plans with a friend. You want to dine at Taco Bell, but you know you need to convince them. You see that they are in a good mood, so you yourself try to be in a good mood. Then, when they voice their concerns about eating at Taco Bell, offer some vague consent (but don’t lie):
- Oni : It’s not very cool.
- You : Right, but that’s not the worst option either.
- They : We just ate fast food yesterday.
- You : Yes, you are right. But, you see, there is nothing else to do here?
When your friend finally mentions something positive about the trip to Taco Bell for lunch, be more persuasive and take him home:
- They : Well, cheap …
- You : Very cheap and simple.
- Oni : And I really like these Doritos tacos …
- You : They are the best! Come on, pamper yourself.
Never say they are wrong or try to argue – they just defend themselves and shut down. Instead, cling to what they say plays into your hands. Show them that you are listening to them and are willing to listen to them, while at the same time confirming what you both agree with. You might not be able to eat tacos for lunch anyway, but this approach is much better than saying something like, “If we don’t go to Taco Bell, I won’t go at all.”
Be pretty
Finally, be nice to people, smile back, dress well, and give genuine (not fake) compliments. Be present when you are talking to someone, maintain eye contact, listen to every word they say, express yourself with your body language, and show a little self-confidence.
And, most importantly , really talk to people before asking them for anything. People can feel when you’re trying to manipulate, so find common ground and communicate with them before trying to get your way. If you can show how you are in some way like them, you will have a great start. Persuasiveness doesn’t mean you have to be persistent, so keep things stylish.