A Guide to Parent-Nonparent Friendship
Judging by the rantings on the Internet (“10 Things People Without Children Will Never Understand,” “Why Moms and Dads Are Selfish and Irritating”), you might think that parents and non-parents are completely different species. Something happens the moment a baby is born – friendships between adults that once seemed so easy are filled with obstacles (“What do you mean you can only have lunch at 4:45 pm?” “Why you never Are you answering my phone calls? ”Or“ Sorry, I don’t have time to hear about your promotion / mother-in-law problem / recent vacation – baby is crying ”).
There are obviously exceptions. I am a parent and I have friends who are not parents. Well, maybe like the one with whom I still regularly communicate. God, it depresses me. Both camps should be aware of and make an effort to maintain friendships during this period of dramatic life change (as well as naps and school activities). But sometimes it’s worth it.
I asked my friends on the Internet how they think that parents and non-parents can be best friends, and they had a lot of thoughts, opinions and practical advice. Here’s what I’ve learned that might help bridge the big gap:
Accept that non-parents may have to work harder in friendship – at least for a while.
The most important fact to overcome and accept is that parents are attached to another person (or multiple people) who have strict needs and a tight schedule. They can’t go anywhere without an agreement, and of course, while you might see a child sound asleep in a bar at midnight, this is the exception, not the norm. But that doesn’t mean parents don’t want to see their non-parent friends. They really, really do. So if the friendship is worth it, at least for the time being, non-parents will have to meet the parents in their strange new world.
Parents can help make up for this in other ways.
Knowing that their non-parent friends are more driving and off-schedule, parents should strive to contribute in other ways. Shannon, whose son just turned three, writes: “As a parent, I try to do more hosting and pay because I know it’s a million times easier / more fun for me to spend time at home with my child and all his shit. I will gladly cook or order and bring wine for an adult conversation. “
Simple handling can go a long way. Julie, a mother of two teenage girls, says she tries to remember birthdays, anniversaries and other events for her friends who have no children, with even greater intent than her friends who have children. “It seems like now is a good time to make them feel memorable and special,” she says.
Parents need to make plans and be really specific.
Rather than simply declining invitations because the event is too late or too unfriendly for children, parents should offer plans. And the more specific the better, even if it seems oddly tough. Example: Would you like to take a walk around the block while the baby naps in the stroller on Saturday from 2:15 pm to 3 pm? Or go for a walk while I bathe her and put her to bed, and then we can have a glass of wine and catch up? On the Dear Sugar podcast , Cheryl Strayed talked about how she invited her friends without children to local coffee shops with small playgrounds. “I’d say I know you’ve probably never been to this incredibly cool Mom Cafe, but if you meet me there, my kids can make blocks.”
Cynthia, who has a 13-year-old son, says that when it comes to hanging out with friends with babies and toddlers, “breakfast or brunch is a new meal.” If people without children can get up early, usually everything is fresh (especially a child) and people still need to eat breakfast.
In addition, many non-parents said that parents shouldn’t assume they won’t want to come to children’s birthdays, school musicals, and other events. Sometimes they don’t want to go, but at least they would like to be asked. (Usually at birthday parties, if you give a drink, everyone is happy and having a good time.) And know that some people just don’t like children. That’s okay too – you’ll find out very quickly.
Text, don’t call
Here is this cartoon depicting a mother with a baby and a baby hanging on it. Holding the phone, she says, “Can I call you back in five years?” It’s too real. Yes, young children should be taught not to interrupt phone calls, but to maintain common sense at the moment, it is better to just write to their parents.
Don’t tell your non-parents, “Just don’t understand.”
It seemed to be the number one problem among those who are not parents – mums and dads, who throw phrases like “You just don’t understand” or “Do you think you’re tired? Try breastfeeding your teething baby all night! “Christina, who heard all this, writes:” If I say that I am tired or stressed, why is it less than what parents have to go through? Why is this a competition? My statement that I am tired does not mean “I’m more tired than you. We all have the same 24 hours a day. We fuel them differently.”
Let’s talk about something other than children
What should parents and non-parents talk about? Of course, there are not many children. Oliver, who has a daughter, writes: “You can talk about your children for about … 5-10 minutes, maximum. Even other parents are probably just kidding you to be polite. ” And then start talking about anything – literally anything – else. Unjali, who has no children, writes: “I appreciate it when they take the time to talk to me about what’s important in my life, take the time to see me (even if it’s limited and infrequent), and when we Can talk. about other things that are important in their life besides children. I think, as with any friendship, empathy, understanding and consideration for the other person’s situation is key. ”
Non-parents also have moments when everyone quits.
Yes, kids eat, but kid is not a Get Out Of Everything card. Parenting in general is not a crisis. There are other real crises, and sometimes they are not with the parents. Wenley says that although she worked four jobs and went to school for her PhD while caring for her family, she still visited her friends with the kids and brought them lunch. “I wasn’t given that much attention when it got hard,” she writes. “When my mom passed away, or when my dad got cancer, where were my parent friends? They complained that I was not spending time with them. So, naturally, these people are no longer on my list of people I would spend my efforts on. “
Non-parents also need to have “drop everything,” which means if they need it, you’ll pay $ 25 an hour to have a nanny there.
Sometimes friendships are just short-lived and that’s okay.
For some reason – you don’t connect anymore, you put in the effort, and it still doesn’t work – some friendships have an expiration date. LP writes, “I am genuinely interested in my parent friends. I want to hear about their child. And they want to hear about all the things that I do not for children. But if one is not interested in the life of another, it will not work. A friend had a baby and a terrible postpartum after her, and I don’t think at that moment she cared too much about what was happening in the life of a 27-year-old girl who goes dancing every weekend. I’m not against her at all. But our friendship is not the same. “
wait
The encouraging thing I’ve learned is that as kids get older, parenting and other people separation becomes much less of a problem. Oliver writes that now that his daughter is 12, it is much easier for him and his wife to find time for other adults because they don’t have to carry her around. “I have a lot more non-parent friends whom I see regularly now than I did 10 years ago when she was two.”
Tony, a non-parent who now has grandchildren in friends, says she just had to “stick there” as a child. “For some years, the only contact was a holiday card and an accidental phone call,” she writes. She really wished that both she and her friends tried their best to establish communication during this time, but in the end it pretty much worked out. “The good news is,” she says, “when we all turned around 50, we returned to where we left off 20 years ago!”