How to Protect Your Self-Worth After Having a Baby
Interesting news from the Netherlands: A group of Dutch researchers tracked about 85,000 Norwegian women during their pregnancy and in subsequent years and found that self-esteem in pregnant women and new mothers fluctuates: it falls in the 30th week of pregnancy and rises before childbirth. it is six months old, and then it declines for at least the next two and a half years. The good news is that the mother’s self-esteem eventually recovered: when researchers tracked the women for subsequent pregnancies, they found that the women had returned to their previous levels of self-esteem.
Previous studies of American parents have also shown that having a baby lowers the self-esteem of mothers more than fathers. It seems clear that the transition to motherhood is fraught with certain mental health problems, in particular the problems that sociologists call “achieving the mother’s role,” or how we navigate and find satisfaction in our new role as mothers.
So what can we do? American women give birth to children in a country that offers absolutely no reliable social support (medical care, extensive parental leave, subsidized childcare) that Norwegian women enjoy, which makes me think that maintaining self-esteem might get lost in the struggle for daily survival.
Still, it’s important, ”says Sarah Verbiest, executive director of the University of North Carolina’s Maternal and Child Health Center and leader of the Fourth Trimester Project , which studies the health of women in the postpartum period. How mothers treat themselves influences what they bring to their families; as Verbiest says, “I take care of myself, I also take care of my family.”
So, what can we do to protect ourselves, our relationships, and our self-worth? Verbiest offers three suggestions.
Keep lines of communication open
One of the interesting findings from the Norwegian study was that relationship satisfaction and self-esteem are intertwined: the better the romantic relationship, the higher the woman’s self-esteem, and vice versa. Verbest told me that she found the correlation interesting: “In the 4th trimester project, it came about that relationships — partners who support rather than support” are important elements of maternal happiness.
“The relationship [between parents when you have a child] can change a lot, especially in relation to intimate relationships with each other, and in many complex relationships that we don’t even talk about … for example, what does it mean to be always touched especially for nursing mothers? How will this affect your relationship? “In an ideal world, Verbiest says she enjoys ‘mentoring in relationships’ like what some religious communities offer to newlyweds, but months and years after the couple has children.“ I don’t think we provide much support. couples with young children to help them understand that, yes, this is normal – this child can change your relationship in some deep, good, and some, perhaps more difficult aspects. “
In the absence of such mentoring, and if time and money do not allow counseling, Verbiest says that “maintain open communication with your partner, not make assumptions about how [each partner] is feeling, and take the time to talk about him.” it is important. Conversation can provide a very ‘daily survival’ and it is important to keep digging into deeper issues. “
Customize some filters
Verbiest says: “People want to give women so much advice. It often happens that “one person says this, one person says that” [about different parenting decisions], and there are many condemned feelings. “
This can make even the most confident mother question herself and her choices, and Verbiest recommends cutting off some sources of information if you need to, “by creating some filters – I think moms get a lot of conflicting advice and it’s okay in the end get out of this. ” mailing list or stop reading parenting books. “
Social media, by the way, with its endless photos of kids gorging on farm-picked peas and gay spouses grilling on deck can also make you feel bad, but remember, there isn’t a single shot from that epic brawl. which the couple had later that evening, or the tantrum that the toddler had before bed. Laura Venuto , a New York City psychologist specializing in postpartum issues, told me in an email, “I think there is a real connection between self-esteem and social media use,” and that could be doubly true for parents. “Social media users only document their happiest moments and / or present idealized versions of themselves.” If you need to change how you feel about yourself, that’s okay.
Do what makes you feel good.
I really don’t like the term “self-care” for mothers because I believe mothers should be cared for a little more by other people rather than admonish them, but the fact remains that it’s easy to fall into a downward spiral of real identity. – neglect and harm.
Verbiest (and everyone who has ever been a mother) recognizes that when you are tired and stressed, it is very easy to neglect your own physical and emotional health – and that making time for small moments of pleasure is important. “Find something that makes you feel good and take some time to do it, be it a pedicure, a daily walk, or something that will help you hold on to that part of yourself until you have a little more time.” …
My husband calls this a “pad,” that little action that makes you feel more in control of your life, because when you have babies and toddlers, it’s all too easy to give up all sense of health, happiness, and order.
All of these measures are of course negligible in the face of actual government assistance to new parents, such as the postpartum home visits that Dutch women enjoy – support that shows mothers that they are culturally valuable and cared for. It would be interesting to see the replication of the Norwegian study in the US and to see how self-esteem, health and well-being can be linked to large-scale family-centered policies.
Meanwhile, Verbiest says, “It’s important to realize that we are important too.”