When a Friend Is Grieving, Offer Special Ways to Help.
Around the same time last year, my mother died. I was in charge of planning her funeral and funeral, sorting out her belongings, and just about every other terrible thing you have to do when someone dies. Oh, and I live in San Francisco and my mom was in North Carolina. Literally hundreds of people offered to help me on Facebook and via text messages, but only two people did it. Cause? Only two people made real suggestions on how they could help.
Around the same time, two of my close friends also lost their parents. Like me, they experienced the same phenomenon. We were all desperate for help and support, and friends offered, but no one followed, mostly because we didn’t ask.
Death is terrible. The weeks after my mom died were terrible. While I definitely needed help, I didn’t have the energy or time to coordinate with my friends to deal with the situation. If someone asked, “Would you like a sandwich?” The answer would most likely be “Yes. I haven’t eaten in 2 days. ” But, faced with no sandwich and hundreds of people offering their help, I’m not going to write to anyone and ask for food, a trip to the funeral home, or help buying flowers. This is strange. It is not comfortable. For a traditionally independent person, this is like begging, even if friends usually offer to do it. I mean, technically I can go myself and find my sandwich.
For me, two people who really helped were a friend who offered to look after my dog while I was heading east, and another superhero buddy who actually took a few days off to work said he would just take me there. where I will need her, and helped me do everything from collecting flowers to the funeral home. In a million years, I would never ask any of them out of the blue, but it is worth a million that they volunteered for these specific tasks.
Instead of saying, “Let me know if I can help!” I encourage everyone to offer exactly what they have time for instead. Here are some ideas:
“Can I bring / buy you breakfast / lunch / dinner?”
This is by far the easiest way. Just offer to bring dinner for a couple of nights. It’s amazing how much more work remains to be done and how easy it is to forget to eat while you’re doing all of this. Make frozen lasagne. Raid Trader Joe’s diner. If this is a close friend, you don’t even need to ask for it. Just do / buy something and arrange drop-off or just leave it on their front porch (assuming you know they will be home).
“I would love to watch your kids / dog / cat / goat while you do everything.”
If someone has a child or pet, they will have to figure out how to care for them while they do the rest. Obviously, this will depend on how close you are to that person. But even suggesting that you can babysit for a certain evening or two, or come and take the dog for a walk can be an invaluable gesture.
“I’m free on Saturday. What errands do you need help with, or can I take you anywhere? “
I would never even consider asking a friend to drive me to a funeral home or flower shop, but wow, that was helpful. It was nice not to do these little things alone and not to drive (which was probably dangerous). By offering a specific time when you are free, you also give your friend the opportunity to respond, “No, but could you do that?”
“I have a bunch of airline miles. Can I give you some money to pay for your ticket? “
Thanks to the losers who used the system, airlines no longer offer rates for ambulance services. This means that if your friend needs to travel, they will probably buy a VERY expensive ticket at the last minute. If you are a few miles away from your business trip, offer to help them buy a ticket home (or back). Funerals are insanely expensive, and airline miles can help offset some of the financial blow.
After all, you are the only one who knows your friend the best, and what is appropriate depends a little on your level of friendship. However, if you really want to help them, make an offer about what you know they might need. Whether it’s helping them with work or family obligations while they’re away, or just offering lunch. If you offer something specific, they are more likely to accept you.