How to Spot a Selfish Bloodsucker in Your Life
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love .
This week we have a guy who worries that his friend is in love with him, someone who needs to end a relationship with an extremely selfish “friend” once and for all, and a man who is jealous of his successful colleague.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
This guy wants to leave his ex in the “friendship zone”
Hi mister Allan,
The girl I dated 5 months in high school about three years ago is very insistent on being friends. I like being friends with her, but sometimes she is too intrusive, as if she wants to get back together. However, this is not what I want. She continues to call me her “best friend”, and sometimes she comes up with little nicknames for me, which is a little uncomfortable. She even told me that she wanted to be the first to know if I had a girlfriend. I’m a pretty rude person if need be, and I can tell her what’s what and ask her to find a friend in another person, but we live in a small town and I run into her all the time. It would be nice if she could remain my friend, but she also had boundaries. To complicate matters, she is pretty decent friends with my siblings, with whom I still communicate regularly.
I think my main question is how can I stay friends with her without making her think that I want to be together again? If that’s not possible, how can I leave her so she doesn’t get depressed? I am one of her close friends.
Very grateful,
Hands off
Hey hands off:
Looks like she still has some old feelings for you, yes. However, it’s hard to tell if she knows about them as much as you do. There’s a good chance she’s just unknowingly going back to her old routine with you. Before you do or say anything, hands off, test yourself. Your penis is not magical, and your point of view on this situation is not the only one. In fact, in her mind, you may simply be considered a good friend. Just because she’s comfortable with you doesn’t mean that she has your shrine in her closet made of chewing gum.
You can easily remain friends with her without resorting to the phrase “Let’s get together again”, “Hands off.” Just don’t make any movement that suggests you want to be together again . You know, things like dating, romantic outings, kissing, sex, sharing the same spaghetti noodles, etc. If she ever tries to take a step, tell her directly. Say something like, “Look, I really like you as a friend, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to be together again . “If she can’t handle it, that’s her business. You are not responsible for her happiness.
But now you feel uncomfortable and want to nudge her in a different direction. Fine. When you are spending time, talk to her the same way you would to your boyfriend friends. You know, things like trucks, porn, video games and MMA (guys, right they say?) Whatever feelings of attraction she once had for your magical dick would be gone forever.
This person is being devastated by a very selfish friend.
Hi, Patrick,
A few months ago, I was in the dark: I hated my job, most of my family, life in general. I was contemplating suicide, and shortly after that my friend called me. Now, at the wrong time or not, this friend has always been an arrogant person who actually only called to talk about himself or to ask for something. It was a strange friendship in which I used to make fun of him on the phone while he talked for hours about himself and his problems.
However, he always referred to me as one of his “best friends,” so when he finally took the time to ask how I was feeling, I told him. Anxiety, depression, dark thoughts were all I could draw in before he began to speak exhaustingly again. “Oh really?” was his exact answer, after which he interrupted me and started talking about himself again until the end of the conversation.
I realize I put him in a quandary, but his initial reaction, coupled with the fact that he hasn’t called or texted again for several weeks, makes me wonder how to permanently break our friendship. It was something that I thought about long before this particular situation arose, but as soon as I thought that we were finally going our separate ways, he would send another message or call me and we would go back to the starting point.
It just seems to me that he intensifies this feeling of anxiety, and in addition, he cares less about me. A while ago, I tried to talk to him about his selfish attitude towards the situation I mentioned earlier, and he promised to change, but in fact he did not.
Should I talk to him about it again, trying to break this friendship forever, or hope that instead I can “ghost” him through the silence? I know this is not the best option, but it doesn’t leave me much …
Sincerely,
Egos abound
Hello ego is a lot:
Please don’t commit suicide. Suicide leaves people with a trail of suffering and sadness that you cannot imagine. There are other ways to relieve pain. Feel free to call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or talk to a therapist. It helps. This is indeed the case.
Anyway, Eggo (I changed him because it amuses me), I can say without any doubt that this person is not your friend . He is a vampire. He only appears when he is hungry, rushes in with pleasantries, and then sucks the life out of you, complaining about the damned sun. He sucks (uh-huh) In fact, this leech that you call “friend” makes me so damn angry that I wish I could rip it off your neck myself and rip out its fangs.
So, Eggo, what are we going to do with the vampires? That’s right: we pierce their haughty hearts with a stake. So this is what you are going to do with this monster, besides verbal (do not hit this person, please). You need to tell him something like this:
“[Name of shitty friend] I need to tell you something. I was always ready to talk to you about your problems and offer any help I could, but when I told you that I was struggling and even contemplating suicide, you were not at all by my side. You didn’t say anything and then you blew me up, back to talking about your problems again. In fact, you have never been by my side. You are selfish. Friends are supposed to help and soften the blows that life takes, but you do the opposite. I don’t think we should talk anymore. “
If you are a squeamish type and not ready for such honesty, then a ghost of him, Eggo. The ghost of this vampire. Block it completely and go be with your real friends who really care about you and don’t want to nag you. You don’t need such a negative influence in your life.
This guy needs to focus on his job.
Hi, Patrick,
Need help, to put it mildly to someone that he is simply not very good at his job. There is a guy at work who is unbearably proud of his work – he constantly puffs out his chest and pats himself on the back. The problem is that it doesn’t produce anything new … I mean, its standard routine is to take OTHER people’s work, repackage it, and then present it with only cosmetic, superficial adjustments. Looks like he tricked almost everyone, and to be honest, it makes me angry. BUT he seems like a pretty good guy (we’re not friends) and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Is there a tactful and subtle way to constructively criticize his approach? Basically, how do you tell someone that they are a hacker without being a jerk?
Thank you,
Green and medium
Hello green and middle:
I have one very important question for you : are you the boss of this person or, to some extent, his boss? Otherwise, you cannot say anything . Generally. Shut up and do your job. Stop complaining about this guy crowding you out at work and do your job better.
To be honest, this guy you miss sounds like a genius . He takes ideas that are somewhat decent, but wrong, and then repeats them in such a way that they are successful. I mean, these are the most successful ideas, Green. These are not new, unexpected insights that appear immediately after conception. These are old ideas that need to be reworked until everything is right.
If he steals your work, suck it up and talk to him about it. Tell him that he is using your idea and that at least you would like to be recognized for it or be part of the project. If not, keep criticism to yourself and focus on improving your work. Maybe even learn from this guy. This “he fooled everyone but me” angle actually looks like you’re jealous and would rather knock him down than get up yourself.
No Quickies this week! If you have any short questions you want to answer, let me know in the comments below or tweet me with #ToughLove !
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.