How to Stop Being Lazy Garbage
You have problems, I have advice. This tip does not contain powdered sugar – in fact, it does not contain sugar and can even be slightly bitter. Welcome to Tough Love.
This week we have a new couple who don’t know what to talk about, a guy trying to find motivation, and two husbands who have always fought each other when their wives get together.
Mind you, I am not a therapist or any other healthcare professional, but just a guy who is willing to talk about it the way it is. I just want to give you the tools you need to enrich your damn life. If for any reason you don’t like my advice, feel free to file a formal complaint here . So let’s get on with it.
This potential couple has lost the ability to speak.
Hi Pat-Attack,
I have a very stupid problem. There is one girl with whom I go to school, and we both have mutual attraction. I worked up the courage to ask her out and she said yes! Our date went well. The problem was the consequences.
Prior to our attraction, we were quite friendly and struck up conversations whenever we felt like it. But now, after that first date, something is … wrong. Whenever I see her in the hallway, I make a movie cliché where I freeze and can’t utter a phrase without sounding like a Neanderthal with brain damage. And when I told her about it, she said she felt the same! So what’s wrong with us? What are we doing to keep moving forward in this promising relationship? Please light a fire under our asses!
Sincerely,
Two shyly tied with tongues
Hi 4T:
I have a lot of fire, and I love sticking it in the ass of people, so don’t be afraid, I’ll burn you. I think that this inability to communicate can be attributed to one of three reasons:
- Both of you are so passionate about each other that you get lost in the beauty of each other’s eyes before you can say anything … HAHAHA, okay, I can’t go on.
- You both understand how things should change now that you meet. Previously, you could have a harmless conversation about anything, and there were no bets. Everything you say seems to carry weight. What if you say something and everything falls apart? What if you express your sympathy and they think less of you? You don’t know what to say because you’re too damn afraid to say the wrong thing.
- You two have nothing to talk about. [SADNESS HORN NOISE]
I’m sure you want to believe it’s number one, the 4T, but at best it’s only a small fraction of it. So you better hope this is problem number two, because it is at least fixable. Now it’s awkward, because you two are doing it awkwardly. You are putting pressure on yourself to make things look different, while you need to reinforce what made the two of you get along in the first place.
You can still talk about the same things that you talked about before, and in the same way, especially when you are just in the hallway at school (I’m guessing). Be casual! I mean, heck it looks like there were other people around during those interactions, 4T, and you guys were only on one date! Stop thinking of all of this as a “consequence” when something hasn’t even started yet.
If you haven’t made date number two yet, you really need to get it done as soon as possible before she decides it’s too complicated. The privacy and a little intimacy here will only help you, and you need to find out if this is really problem number three. If being alone in a more romantic setting is not conducive to the conversation, consider using prompts to help get things going .
As for the third possible problem … There is a high probability that you both are attracted to each other, you love each other well enough, but you just don’t communicate. Chemistry between friends and chemistry between romantic partners are two different sciences. The limits of your relationship may well be like this: “friends chat in the hallway and think that each other is cute.” It sucks, but it happens all the time.
This dude can’t get over his laziness
How can I overcome my debilitating laziness? Even when the reward justifies the effort, I try to take my time.
Sincerely,
Hi Kyle:
You need to learn to love the process , man, not just the reward.
Working towards a goal, big or small, is like a long walk from one place to another. Some people wander, thinking only of how things will be when they get to their destination, spending the entire walk staring at their feet in despair. “I can’t wait to get there…” they say. This way of thinking undermines your motivation, makes you dislike what you take on, and makes you stall for time. You start to wonder if it’s worth going to this place at all, and you may even convince yourself that going back is easy.
However, other people know they are heading for something, but allow themselves to enjoy the walk itself. They jump to the music, stop for coffee, take pictures, and instead of looking at their feet, they keep their heads up in search of the next little joy that prevents the walk from turning into a shoeless march on the frozen ground. “I’ll get there eventually,” they say. And they will do it.
It’s not that some people have more motivation than others, as if it’s some kind of resource locked in our brains. You haven’t given up the juice of birth motivation. The point is, they know that motivation is what you develop and what you need when you have it. Whether you’re in school, at work, or just trying to vacuum your damn house, the key to success is finding a way to love the process.
It’s about the journey, Kyle, not the destination. Is always.
And when in doubt, do what I do and follow Nike’s rule: just do it. I tell myself to stop being such lazy rubbish and try to justify my existence. I suggest you do the same. But you have to give a shit to try, and no one else can do it for you.
The husbands of these friends hate each other.
My childhood best friend (we were a bridesmaid level friend) just moved to my city and now we live in the same place for the first time in ten years. The problem is that her husband and my husband HATE each other. They say that this girl and I are basically the same person in two bodies, and our husbands are so different that they are almost unable to be together in the same room without getting into heated arguments (unfortunately, the main feature of their personality, which they share – it’s the need to be right).
I gave up the hope that they would become friends, but how can I get them to stop fighting like cats and dogs? It hurts me and my friend to see how the men we love hate each other.
Sincerely,
Hi Mo:
You guys must be very similar if both of you married 12 year olds trapped in the bodies of grown men! An easy solution for each of you is to tell your husbands how this affects you negatively. Not together at the same time, but alone. Lay it all out and explain how you feel.
Tell him that he doesn’t have to like it or the other guy, but he needs to understand and accept the fact that you will be spending time with him. And if he cares at all about making you happy, he must find a way to adapt. Do not leave him a choice in this matter. If he’s going to act like a child, you need to be an authority figure.
Other than that, I think you have a couple of options:
- Invite them to spend time together without you and your friend. Their “always be right” macho mentality can be a way to pose in front of the two of you. Or at least it could have been enhanced by the script. If they were alone, they could find a way to match each other’s wavelengths and at least keep calm in the debate. Maybe they can get it all out of their system so they can shut up when you guys hang out together. Or maybe they’ll kill each other and the two of you can go and find adults to marry …
- WEIGHT WITHOUT THEM. Seriously, fuck these guys. I know people love the two-date couples meeting scenario, but heck, let’s have some fun. Let these guys sit at home alone so that they feel like the most “correct” person in the room.
Anyway, Moe, you need to stop here. Don’t let the hot punks stop you from finally spending time with your best friend. They need to get over it and grow to hell.
Quickies
Because I just have neither the time nor the patience for all of you …
I just repaid $ 70K with credit cards refinancing my house (I mostly ran away when I was out of work). Now the wife and kids (11, 15) want a bigger house than our 1,700 sq. Feet. Houses with an area of 2500-3000 sq. Feet cost between $ 300 and $ 350 versus $ 225 for what we have now.
I make $ 102k a year, but I still have student loans of $ 1,200 a month. I’d love to move, but I feel like I’m better off living a smaller life, especially given how poorly we have managed our budget.
What do you think?
Hi MoMo … Can I call you MoMo? I know there is another Moe in there, but is that okay? Don’t answer that – I’ll answer anyway. Your instinct is fine, MoMo. Pay off these loans first! Then maybe you can draw up a new budget and see what it looks like without those horrendous loan payments. If, and only IF, the new budget has serious wiggle room, then perhaps you can consider moving on. Looks like you have a decent gig with decent pay and mostly nice family to boot. Don’t lose the support you’ve gained just because you’re tired of hearing your wife and kids complain about your not-so-tiny home. Tell them to drink and let MoMo do their thing.
BRO says :
I NEED BRO’S ADVICE
Bro, I know. Here’s what you do, bro, tell people what you need advice on, bro. They can’t help you otherwise, bro. * FRIENDLY PUNCH *
A super qualified engineer asks :
Dear Patrick,
Do you mind being called “Paddy Pie”? Sorry that was stupid.
I am a graduate student in engineering management, I have a degree in mechanical engineering, I have a lot of debt, and I live with my parents to save $. I am about 30 and I don’t know if I will get the diplomas I will have and will graduate in June. There isn’t much manufacturing in the San Francisco Bay Area either.
What do you think I should do when I finish my studies? Was I wrong when I entered graduate school for my master’s degree?
Thank you
It was really stupid, but okay, Paddy Cake is in a good mood and will help you anyway. I know several mechanical engineers who work in the aircraft industry and the Department of Defense and they make money. Don’t get me wrong, it won’t be easy and it will take a while to pay off this entire debt, but in this area it is quite possible! Yes, you will succeed with this degree if you don’t give up completely. If you weren’t going to graduate, I’d say graduate school is optional, but great! You can always go back to a teaching career or something else.
You are almost done with your studies. Okay. You live at home to save money. Great. I would say your next step is to find a job. You may have to search outside the Bay Area, but you should be able to find a gig that pays you enough to pay for the roof over your head and feed these loan monsters. There is no school. It’s time to start your real life.
That’s all for this week, but I still have a lot of frank and honest advice. Tell me what is bothering you? Does work upset you? Are you having problems with a friend or colleague? Is your love life going through rough times? Do you just feel lost in life, as if you have no direction? Tell me, maybe I can help. I probably won’t make you feel warm and misty inside, but sometimes you need tough love. Ask a question in the comments below or email me at the address you see at the bottom of the page ( please include “TIP” in the subject line ). “Until next time, figure it out yourself.