How Not to Get Bored on Your Partner’s Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is Sunday. Anyone need to put this on their calendar? If you have a mom in your life and you haven’t placed an order for flowers / haven’t booked dinner / haven’t purchased a card yet, now is the time to do it! If you are fortunate enough to have more than one mom in your life (say, your mom, the mother of your children, and the mother-in-law), Mother’s Day can quickly get overwhelming.
And yet it needs to be celebrated. I know this is a commercial, made-up celebration that marketers use to get you to buy things. But I’m of the opinion that we need more celebrations in our lives, not less, and – if your partner isn’t one of the few mothers on earth who really, really don’t care – I guess she wants this day to be recognized in some form or form.
I know this might be a bit of a concern. I also hate coming up with the perfect birthday or Father’s Day celebrations – no one is immune from the pressure to perform during the gift-giving holidays. (In fact, one friend in a family with two mothers declined to comment on this story, fearing that her wife would see it and be reminded of past setbacks at the holiday.)
To give you the best chance to hit this outside of the park, I spoke with several experts.
Nothing to do.
If you are anything like me, you may prefer to avoid trying something and muffle it. But even the smallest effort – a bouquet of flowers from a supermarket, a pharmacy card – is much better than doing nothing at all.
Admit it right after you wake up.
Set an alarm if needed. Don’t let your partner get up with the kids, serve them breakfast, and think you’ve completely forgotten.
Ask. Or don’t ask. (You know your partner best.)
The opinions of mothers here are divided in half. Claire Zulka, writer and mom of two in Evanston, Illinois, says: “I’ve come to realize how foolish it is for a partner to sit back and expect someone to magically recognize your innermost desires. I think my husband likes it when I say, “I want to stay in bed on Mother’s Day,” or “I want to go to a baseball game on Mother’s Day,” because then he’s always happy to serve but not spend time trying to figure out what I want deep down. He will do something that is his own surprise / pleasure, but otherwise I am showing my good day. “
But other moms want to be surprised and may even get angry when you ask a question. You know your partner best: Is she most happy when she decides what to do, or when she is surprised by a completely thought out and executed plan? Do it.
Put your partner first.
If you are lucky enough to have more than one mother in your life – a beloved, a mother, your own mother, maybe different stepmothers or mentors or beloved aunts thrown there – there will be many mothers waiting to celebrate, all in one day. What if these moms don’t want to celebrate together?
Answer: You give priority to the mother of your children. “Don’t make your partner compete for Mother’s Day by spending it with your mother-in-law,” says Allison Slater Tate, a writer at TODAY Parents. Sinead Smith, a therapist based in Alameda, California, and a lead trainer for the Gottman Institute , says: “As a family therapist, I would say honoring the mom of your own children should be a top priority, simply in terms of what you create in your relationship and in my family. “
One workaround: Offer to celebrate Mother’s Day with your partner on a completely different day. If she’s preparing a holiday for her mom, she might be happy to have her special day on Saturday night before or next weekend. Laura Venuto, a New York City psychotherapist who specializes in postpartum mental health issues, said in an email: “Many families have traditions that make it difficult for mothers to rest on Mother’s Day. Too often, a mother prepares a celebration for her daughters and grandchildren or her mother and mother-in-law on a day that should be a respite for all mothers. ” If this is the situation in your family, your partner might appreciate 1) you will take over the other mothers’ celebration and 2) offer her a rain check for her special event.
Make Mother’s Day part of your broader conversation.
Mismatched expectations for Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays – all holidays – don’t really match expectations for values, family, and celebrations. Such conflicts are best resolved, Smythe says, through “deliberate conversations” about how each member of the couple feels valuable and valuable, how you demonstrate your affection for each other, and how you want to include (or not include) the other. relatives on the holidays of your next of kin. “Couples who tend to be successful — happy, highly emotionally connected — actually deliberately discuss important traditions, festivals and rituals. They talk about why things matter and they work together to create a sense of common meaning in the couple and in the family. ”
Often these conversations reveal startling information: my own husband was surprised when I told him that I liked it when he showed his affection for me while preparing food (I asked for short ribs and carrot cake for Mother’s Day). That’s a low figure in his value system – he says he loves it when I show him my affection by buying him a new Telecaster.
Other mothers may feel valuable for being completely freed from home for a while – several women in my mom group want to celebrate Mother’s Day with a couple of girlfriends and a fat joint. One woman I spoke with goes out to buy chicken and waffles with her wife and son, and then they go camping with the whole family. Who knows? The point of deliberate conversations is to avoid the insane bulkhead of selected cards in Rite Aid at 8am on Sunday morning, and to develop a loving and joyful culture of celebration in your family. And what you sow is what you reap. Excuse me while I put the price on Telecasters.