What to Eat to Clear the Palate of Unicorns, Mermaids and Rainbows
First there was the rainbow bagel . Then the mermaid toast made a short splash. Now, as I’m sure you all know, Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino has dominated the lips and Instagram accounts of many millennials. This is all very beautiful, but I need a palate cleanser.
As the person who did his algebra homework at Lisa Frank Trapper-Guardian – I think there were a few manic dolphins on mine – I admit that I get a cheap pleasure from contemplating these colorful creations, but I don’t want to swallow them. (It’s the same thrill I got when I bought a pair of jelly sandals from Urban Outfitters this weekend. I almost bought them, but then I remembered the blistering jelly sandals from my youth and changed my mind.)
Yes, we eat with our eyes first, but my eyes are tired of the rainbow overload, and I’m not entirely sure if they are poisoned or not. (Actually, I would completely drink a poisonous tree frog Frappuccino. Someone please take this.) Maybe it’s because my grandmother made a lot of casseroles, but I always feel like my eyes stop on beige. aggressively non-photogenic food. These dishes are usually the tastiest. Think of Thanksgiving dinner: it’s a sea of browns, yellows, and beiges, and it’s one of the most delicious dishes of the year.
There is a special value in these rainbow delicacies that doesn’t suit me. Whether you like it or not – and I love it a lot – food is something you have to deal with every day, and prioritizing form over function can tire you out. I think this is my main problem with this rainbow / unicorn / mermaid trend. It’s not about food , it’s about optics. This is all marketing – very good marketing, but marketing nonetheless. If you really want a colorful bagel, try sprinkling it with a couple of family tomato slices or maybe a watermelon radish. These items add color, texture and flavor. I also heard that berries make great drinks.
Beige food may not get you many social media likes, but it will fill you up and bring you joy. If you, like me, need a break from pigmented cuisine, we have a few suggestions, and not all of them are drenched in sausage gravy.
- Sponge Cakes with Gravy: Make cookies however you like. I’m not a big fan of cookies, but I love these light and delicious croutons from Serious Eats . For the sausage gravy, keep it as simple as possible and let the sausage shine. If you start with a good sausage, you only need two other ingredients: flour and milk. Saute a pound of sausage over medium to high heat and, when all pink is gone, sprinkle with 1/3 cup all-purpose flour. Stir until all the meat is coated, then slowly pour in three cups of milk, stirring constantly. Reduce heat and cook a little more until everything is nice and thick, season with salt and pepper if necessary, and spoon over the hot cookie. Post a photo and let people comment on the aesthetic of the whole thing.
- Pork Chops: This won’t surprise anyone, but my favorite way to cook a thick bone-in pork chop is withsous vide . Just season it with salt and pepper, drop it into a bag and put it in a 140-degree bath for an hour. Take it out of the bag, blot it dry and quickly fry it in a little brown oil. Serve with applesauce for an extra beige shade.
- Roasted Roots: You can get some color here if you want – rainbow carrots look like unicorn horns, but roasting vegetables to their maximum browning level will tone down the color a little. Preheat oven to 425 ℉. Chop the root vegetable mixture into pieces and sprinkle them with fat – my favorites are olive oil, duck fat, and bacon fat. Sprinkle a little salt and stir to coat it with a layer. Put everything on a baking sheet and place in the oven. Let the roots roast until they are soft in the center and lightly browned and crispy around the edges. (Small burnt pieces are desirable.)
- Scrambled Eggs : The scrambled eggs and custard you have to eat out of the bowl are visually unappealing and there is no other way out, but when served with a nice slice of thick toast, there is no more divine breakfast. You can watch them so as not to interfere , but they are also achievable on the stove; you just have to go low and slow. Melt a couple tablespoons of butter over low heat, beat about four eggs with a tablespoon of cream, and pour the whipped mixture into the skillet. Stir constantly until the eggs form a very small curd. They will be much creamier than your “regular” scrambled eggs. Put them in a bowl, sprinkle with good salt and sprinkle with chopped garlic if you just need to beat the beige.
- Fried Chicken: Go to Popeye’s. Order dark meat. Eat red beans and rice.
Obviously there are tons of other delicious beige foods you could eat to clear your sky of rainbows, but I don’t want to hold you back all day. If you find yourself getting oversaturated in color and relief you need a stat, just melt the cheese into something. Processed cheese solves a variety of problems.