It Is More Difficult for Women to Negotiate. You Have to Do It Anyway.
This was my first meeting with a new potential client, and they called his number. It was a good number, but recently I promised to continue negotiations. So I threw out the higher number and then held my breath in the awkward silence. I hate the hectic, nerve-wracking negotiation process, but that’s why I’ve learned to accept it in spite of it.
Why is it harder for women to negotiate
Although the wage gap has narrowed slightly since 1963, when the Equal Pay Act was passed , women, especially those of color , still earn less than men. We’ve come a long way since the 60s, but there is still a lot of work to be done, especially since some people do believe that the gap is a myth .
The problem of equal pay is complex and the causes of the wage gap are complex. For example, some argue that women are paid less because they are not negotiating. They say women just don’t ask . Some statistics show that this is true, while others are false . The problem is that the question of whether or not negotiations are women, not as relevant as the question of what happens when we really are in talks.
According to the Harvard Business Review , the following happens:
In repeated studies, it was found that the social costs of negotiating higher wages are higher for women than for men.
And here’s another thing that’s happening, according to a study by Cass Business School, the University of Warwick and the University of Wisconsin:
… that women ask for a raise as often as men, but men are 25 percent more likely to get a raise when they ask.
First, during negotiations, women are not only perceived more negatively than men — men are seen as confident and strong, and women as difficult — they also get what they want less often than men.
Suddenly, this “myth” ceases to be so debunked.
Character traits of underpaid women
I’ve always understood the wage gap issue from afar, but on a personal level, it didn’t really show until I read Secrets of Six-Figure Women by Barbara Stanney. I was skeptical about the title at first, but the book offers some important insights into how women handle money.
Stanny interviewed 150 women for his book and found that those who earn less have several things in common, the main one being that they avoid negotiation. Here are some traits of women who are chronically underpaid :
- They have a high tolerance for low wages : they know they could probably make more money, but they agree to lower wages. They may even try to justify it.
- They underestimate their value : they assume that they will never get paid well. For example, I’ve always said to myself, “Writers don’t have to make a lot of money, so such a shitty salary is okay. I’m not for the money. ”
- They are willing to work for free : there are arguments for working for free , but those who are undernourished do not think twice about it.
- They hate negotiation: they don’t want to ask for more money and are afraid of what might happen if they do. For example, I have always been frightened that if I ask for more, the other side will be offended and refuse the offer altogether.
- They think poverty is noble : they think poverty gives you access to a certain sense of morality, and money is evil. It hit me so hard. I grew up poor and always thought the rich were greedy. I even wrote a post about how I “romanticized poverty.”
Of course, these traits obviously apply to men as well, but Stanny interviewed women specifically to compile this list. It’s also easy to see why women might underestimate themselves professionally. All you have to do is entertain these myth-defying arguments, the worst of which is the argument that women are simply not as smart or as qualified as men.
Beyond statistics, if you want to make more money, negotiation is a necessary part of the process. As I said, I hate negotiation. I am not aggressive or assertive. I’ve always hated the idea of being difficult.
But after reading this issue, especially Stanny’s research, I began to look at negotiation not only as a way to increase my own earning potential, but also as a microcosmic way of protesting against a larger systematic problem. In other words, it is more difficult for women to negotiate; I began to feel that I had to negotiate more because of this fact, and not just because of it.
How I became comfortable negotiating
After reading Stanny’s book, I vowed to start asking for more. What began as a negotiation experiment turned out to be an exercise in confidence and empowerment. I negotiated higher freelance rates. I agreed to exit the cut budget. I even left the car dealership only to be called non-stop on the same day and asked to accept my offer.
If you knew me, you would be surprised. I’ve always been a quiet, pleasant girl who hated confrontation. But that was part of the problem. Overcoming my fear of negotiation meant that I had to overcome my fear of speaking out . Here are some points and tips I remembered to get over my fear.
Your biggest fear is probably rejection and it’s not that bad.
One of the most inspiring moments in my negotiations was the refusal. I asked a large client for more money, and he said, “I’m sorry, but right now it’s not in our budget. Hopefully we can do this in the future. ” Refusal has always been my biggest fear in negotiations and it wasn’t that bad . Plus, even though I didn’t get what I wanted, I still successfully expanded my earning potential and that was good.
Practice when the stakes are low
The more often you negotiate, the more comfortable you are at it. This is why it helps to practice in low pressure conditions. I would bargain for my cell phone or cable TV, for example: AT&T has a better promotional price, what else can you offer? Or I would haggle at furniture stores: could you consider $ 175 for both chairs instead? Most of the time I succeeded. It was an easy way to get used to asking, and that was the hardest for me. It also gave me the confidence to be taken seriously as a negotiator.
Think of negotiation as “problem solving together”
I stopped thinking of negotiation as a confrontation and began to think of it as reaching a mutual agreement. As the Harvard Business Review points out , treating negotiations as confrontational actually ensures they are confrontational. Instead, they suggest thinking of it as collaborative problem solving: “What are the main problems, what are my interests and their interests, and what are the different possible options for meeting these different interests?”
This not only helped me to overcome the phrase “I hate confrontation”, but also strengthened my confidence. Instead of focusing on what I would get out of the situation, I thought about how I could benefit. Negotiating is not about greed. It was about striving to unleash your potential.
Research is everything
Whether it’s your cable bill, your paycheck, or your new car, research is critical to any negotiation.
Review the salary information on a site like Glassdoor when negotiating a raise. Examine the cost of a car in Kelly’s Blue Book when you visit a car dealership. Examine competitor advertising rates when bargaining for your cable TV bill. This is just a start, but anyone with a negotiating experience will tell you: Research is everything. Not only will you be more prepared to negotiate, but you will also be more confident that you know what you are talking about.
I am very tempted to give advice that encourages women to negotiate differently to avoid employer bias. My friend Erin Lowry, also a money writer (and author of the upcoming book Broke Millennial ), told me:
I once spoke with a lawyer who confessed to me that he did not give a subordinate woman the same promotion as some of her colleagues because he knew her husband was making such a significant salary.
It sucks that it happens, but it happens. For this reason, Lowry says, women may consider keeping personal information, such as engagement or parenting plans, next to a vest. Many other successful women agree that women should think differently about negotiations than men .
However, bias aside, I am convinced that 90% of successful negotiations are simply taking the courage to ask . You can learn all the tricks and tricks in the book, but most of the work (and reward) happens when you part your lips and say the words, “Can you make $ 55,000 a year instead?”
By the end of my conversation with this client, they agreed to a higher rate, and I’m damn sure I’m not some seasoned negotiator. I was nervous and hesitated a little. I may have asked incorrectly, but I asked. Who knows if this client perceives me differently now? Maybe they really think I’m greedy. Maybe they really think I’m difficult. I asked. Successful or not, it’s good to be more comfortable with the negotiation. It’s even better to feel “difficult”.