Showdown Between Parents: “Let the Children Be Children” Versus “Because I Said So.”
Whether you have children or not, you probably have an opinion about parenting. Should moms and dads strictly follow the rules, do their children like it? Or is it more important to let the kids have fun, even if sometimes you have to break the rules to do so?
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We have two approaches representing two different parenting styles:
- The “because I said so” approach is roughly in line with the style known as authoritarian parenting. As Psychology Today explains, proponents of authoritarianism believe that children are inherently wayward and that parents need to get children to do the right thing, whether they like it or not.
- “Let the kids be kids” is more of a condescending parenting style . Indulgent parents have fewer rules and do not believe that control is an important parenting goal. They may not commit a lot of business or business.
When I wrote about how to limit your child’s overeating to candy without ruining Halloween , some of you argued that restricting candy is an unnecessary helicopter. This is an argument for permissiveness. Others, on the authoritarian side, say the correct answer is to take the candy away when you feel ready, because you are the parent and you make the rules.
Parents can of course use a mix of the two, so these are extremes on the same continuum. But which approach should you lean towards in a given situation?
Permissive parenting is more flexible in difficult situations
It’s hard to say no to kids when you know they’d rather hear a yes. Fans of authoritarian parenting might say tough cookies. But sometimes it is difficult or impossible to resist.
Take the classic grocery store tantrum, for example. Your child wants to buy candy, but you don’t. If you want to get a firm no, you may have to carry the baby out by kicking and screaming.
Here parents of some children nod: yes, sometimes you have to do that. But what do you do when you shop with three kids? You will need to find a way to get the middle child to get off the floor and leave the store while carrying the fussy child and bark orders to the older child to prevent injury (for example, pick up your keys when the little one drops them on the floor.)
I’ve been in that situation, and let me tell you, the only way to go home with groceries and kids is to give up your no. This can include negotiation: kids young enough to throw tantrums are also sometimes dumb enough to accept a lollipop or the promise of a treat at home instead of a giant bag of candy.
Kids need rules
This is not to say that setting rules and abandoning them is hopeless. For example, my baby doesn’t like wearing a seat belt, but I still wear it, and she is too small to unfasten it. If you want to teach your children to respect a firm “no,” you will have to limit its use until you can actually get it.
In addition to safety rules like this one, the rules governing the structure and routines are important . If each day goes to bed in different ways and at different times, then the child never knows when to expect it. You can’t blame her for not being on board with an unexpected commitment. If your boss could show up anytime and demand that you get started, you wouldn’t like that either.
I used to have a flexible schedule. Therefore, if I told my child that it was time to go to kindergarten, and he did not want to leave, sometimes I gave up and changed my schedule so that he could stay at home that day. However, he cried about the daycare every day and it broke my heart even though I knew he loved the place. He always shone when I picked him up.
On the advice of the teacher, I decided to make a schedule: Monday, Tuesday and Thursday will be our “day of leaving”. It took only a few days for the outbreaks to end. “Mom, is this kindergarten?” he would ask. If the answer was yes, he would say, “Oh, dude!” but stick to a routine.
As adults, we may not always like rules and routines, but we control how we spend our time. Children don’t. So if they have some kind of structure, at least they know what’s going to happen. And they don’t waste their energy (or their tantrums) on things that are always forbidden.
Neither approach is good if you use it all the time
There is a wealth of research that attempts to link parenting styles to different outcomes in children. For example, whose teens are more likely to abuse alcohol? A 2014 study by the Journal of Alcohol and Drug Research found that teenage drunkards are more likely to be indulgent than authoritarian parents, but the average style, dubbed authoritarian, is better than any extreme.
Positive parenting is also associated with aggressiveness in children, excessive TV viewing, and a higher likelihood of obesity. But before you start rewriting your house rules, there is one thing you need to know: indulgent parenting, as defined in these studies, means more than just temporary submission.
Research that links lenient parenting to poor outcomes includes parents who agree with statements such as “I ignore my child’s bad behavior.” Obviously, this is not the best approach to parenting.
The other extreme, authoritarian parenting, is also not suitable for children in the long run. Very strict parents tend to have children who obey the rules well, but have less self-esteem, social ability, and resourcefulness .
Verdict: Choose Your Battles
The healthiest outlook on life seems to come from the golden mean in parenting. Authoritative parents (those who are not authoritarian, and I’m sorry that these words sound so similar) cherish and allow family discussions, and do not act on the “because I said so” principle. But they also prevent their children from escaping the punishment for bad behavior . Fortunately, this style is one of the most common for parents. In other words, if you have children, chances are you are already doing this.
Personally, I fall into this category with a more condescending ending. My kids get unlimited access to their Halloween candy, and they play Minecraft for many more hours a day than I’m willing to publicly admit. But I am strict in several places that are important to me: for example, older children absolutely cannot leave the door to the stairs open, because this endangers their younger sister. They are not allowed to hurt each other or be overly rude to their parents. And I don’t know how much longer I can do it, but I convinced them that soda is a completely forbidden “drink for adults.”
This mid-road approach allows you to sometimes use both extremes – you can stand your ground and be lenient with video games or whatever works for you. Unless you’re expecting blind obedience and serious misconduct, your kids are likely to be fine.