How to Disagree With Colleagues Without Getting Into an Argument
Your coworker complains that your loud phone calls are distracting him, and you reply that he is always late for appointments. Or you try to tell your boss that the new system she has put in place is ineffective, but you find yourself talking in circles. Or maybe your team has had disagreements for several weeks about how to complete an assignment, and now you are about to miss a deadline. If any of this sounds familiar, you are not alone.
This post was originally published on the Muse website .
According to a 2015 poll by data analyst Noah Zandan , half of Americans have at least one serious argument per month. What’s more, 83% of Americans believe disputes are inevitable in intimate relationships, and 25% have at least one disagreement every day. Given that the average American spends more than 40 hours a week at work, it follows that many of these disputes will take place in the office.
When disagreements with coworkers end, they upset and humiliate you. In the worst case, they may even cost you your job. The good news is, they don’t have to.
Because the difference in choice does not necessarily lead to a destructive collision. In fact, he can do the opposite and start thoughtful discussions that will improve relationships, build a reputation, and improve the status quo.
So how do you prevent them from becoming nasty? To find out, Zandan and his team began with communications science research and argument dissemination. Then, to see how these theories translate into real life, they linguistically analyzed over 100 pages of FBI crisis negotiations, selected to demonstrate the language a trained professional uses to resolve conflicts in high-stakes settings.
Based on this research, the team found three ways to prevent disagreements in the workplace from escalating into destructive territory.
1. Know your audience and repeat their language
When you’re trying to convince someone, knowing your audience will allow you to present your version in a way that resonates.
Leadership communications coach Briar Goldberg recommends thinking about how the other person is acting. To be clear, this does not mean using the same aggressive language or harsh tone – it simply means recognizing the personality and state of mind of the other person. For example, if your boss is a very logical person, arm yourself with data and numbers to support your statement:
“It takes three hours longer to generate a report in this new system, but the result is much the same.”
On the other hand, if your boss is prone to emotional arousal, you can go further with feelings:
“I am worried that this system is reducing our effectiveness, and I am concerned that it may begin to affect our relationships with customers.”
The same is true on the other side. When a colleague starts a heated discussion with a list of data and statistics, emotional reactions will get you nowhere, and when the person who started the argument is clearly upset or emotionally, logic is your least productive option.
Quantified Communications analysis found that in an environment of increased volatility, negotiators use 1.5 times more test language (think, “I know you’re angry, and that’s okay”) than negative language.
Goldberg says this tactic – understanding your opponent’s thinking and responding from the same place – is critical to de-escalating an argument and getting everyone on the same page.
2. Choose your pronouns wisely
In the QC analysis, negotiators used 33.5% more words “me” and “we” than “you”, and this pattern is not accidental.
Imagine this scenario: Your manager says that the assignment you just submitted is inadequate. When you answer, you have three options:
1. “You told me to do it this way.”
Blaming you puts your manager on the defensive and makes you look bad.
2. “I’ll fix it now.”
University of Texas social psychologist James Pennebaker has done extensive research into the use of pronouns in countless contexts, discovering over and over that by using personal pronouns to take responsibility for our messages, we can increase our reliability, trust, and influence over our audience. … You will most likely earn your manager’s respect by accepting his criticism.
3. “I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again. For future projects, can we sit down together to make sure I understand your expectations before we get started? “
The authors of Difficult Conversations of the Harvard Negotiation Project call this “the language of inquiry,” and Goldberg says this combination of “me” and “we” will go a long way in moving the conversation from criticism to cooperation.
By admitting a mistake and asking your manager for help, you ensure that it doesn’t happen again – that means you’ve earned respect, started a dialogue, and made a plan for getting the support you need next time.
So when in doubt, avoid the first option at all costs and try to find the third. However, if you land in the middle (using “I”), you will still be in a good spot.
3. Break the spiral of negativity with positive language.
We all know how difficult it is to maintain a positive attitude when you argue for hours about the right way to solve a problem. But, according to University of Texas communications professor Angela Vangelisti, positivity is the key to success . In any interpersonal setting, we reflect each other’s tone, mood, and body language. Negativity breeds more negativity, but positivity is just as contagious.
The FBI used 1.7 times more positive words than negative words in the QC analysis.
This tactic is often the best way to get to the other side of an argument. Point out something that has worked well in the past, or think about the benefits of doing a stellar project – be it a financial payoff, a boss impression, or simply taking that weight off your shoulders.
“I know this is a difficult presentation, but we could attract a lot of new clients if we did it right. Last time Jim did the initial plan, and Ellen and I were in charge of the visuals. It worked really well and I think we can knock him out of the park if we divide and win again. “
No matter how well you usually get along with your coworkers, the sheer number of hours we spend at work means collisions are inevitable.
Dale Carnegie, adhering to the old gold standard of relationship building, insists that the only way to win an argument is to avoid it. He says you can have victory or free will, but not both. He’s right in many cases, but disagreements in the workplace shouldn’t turn into squabbles. By practicing these three techniques, you can stop spikes before they happen and keep hot conversations cool and productive.
How to disagree with a colleague without getting into a fight (because there is no time for this) | Muse