How Much Does It Actually Cost to Maintain a Long Distance Relationship?
I have a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years. Basically, we were inseparable throughout college, but when we graduated, we were both offered amazing opportunities – on opposite sides of the world.
This post was originally published on The Financial Diet .
He moved to San Francisco to become a medical journalist and stayed at medical school; I moved to Turkey on a scholarship and am currently living in New York. We didn’t light-heartedly choose long distances, but at the time, neither of us thought much about the financial side of the matter – I basically assumed it was worth being together, no matter the cost, and we figure things out along the way. I have never regretted our decision, but three years later, we both learned important lessons about how LDR (long distance relationship) affects your finances. Here are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned:
We (obviously) spend a lot on travel
We manage to see each other about once a month, and I usually plan that tickets will cost between $ 350 and $ 500, depending on the season. Snapchat and Skype definitely help us get through the intervening weeks, but there’s nothing better than seeing each other in person – and unfortunately that means we spend roughly $ 2K a year on our relationship (each). My time in Turkey showed us that staying at an LDR where you hardly see each other is very difficult, so we are happy to bear the costs of seeing each other more often, but this is perhaps the most serious burden of staying at an LDR (and that which requires the largest budget).
My vacation time is known
I was lucky to receive a decent amount from my employer. However, the reality of LDR is that every time I take off, it is split between my boyfriend and my family, which means giving up traveling with friends or even being able to just take private days from time to time, because that can shorten the (already limited) time. which we spend together. We make this choice because it’s worth spending time with each other. But at times it was definitely frustrating to miss out on other experiences because you have vacation time no matter what.
We can not always see each other at celebrations and holidays
Between flights, visits to our families, and gifts, it’s too expensive for us to spend our holidays together, which means we usually don’t. And yes, it’s incredibly difficult to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas apart when it seems like every other couple we know is delightfully hibernating together for the holidays. But part of being able to cross-country travel so often without breaking money is staying home while everyone else is flying. As a couple, we tried to highlight a few special moments to be together to make up for the celebrations we missed. My birthday coincides with a long weekend, so over the past few years we have planned several months in advance to turn this weekend into a trip by bringing together a few vacation days and funds. Since no one else wants to fly on a cold, rough February, we spent a week in Paris last year (and I spent just under $ 600 on tickets!)
Equal – not always
Initially, we thought we would just alternate trips and everything would be fine. The reality of two different schedules meant it took us a while to figure out a fair way to share the burden of travel. As it turned out, my boyfriend’s job was to travel frequently to the East Coast, which meant he could be much more frequent, making a quick visit at the end of the conference – and often his company covered the costs. I have a more traditional 9 to 6 job, which means my visits can usually take much longer, but since I cover the full cost, they are much less frequent. We decided that it would be fair for him to visit him more often, and for me – longer. Most of the time it works really well, but there were definitely times when life happened, things got loaded unexpectedly, and our visits ended with joint study / work sessions – still fun, but not the holiday reunion you’d expect.
It’s hard to keep track of your spending when each visit feels like a special occasion
I start picking out restaurants and dating activities a few weeks in advance, and there are definitely trips that we turn every night into a date . When you don’t see each other often, there is a natural tendency to spend money on your entire visit as if tomorrow never comes, especially when you visit two of America’s most expensive cities. The only reason we can spend so much is because we balance it out by being exceptionally frugal for the weeks before and after visiting. I don’t mind giving up sushi at Seamless and packing up lunch for two weeks, if that means I can pamper myself when we’re together. However, maintaining discipline in New York (especially during the height of winter) is incredibly difficult, although I know it will be worth it.
We’ve also tried to better understand what we’re up to on evening dates – living where we live means there is no shortage of great diner eateries, free events and Groupon offers, and we take full advantage of all the free (or cheap ) things that our cities have to offer, as much as possible. I really love receiving flowers at work – this is one of the few things that make my soulless booth better. My boyfriend knows this and is great at sending me a bouquet from time to time, but we still keep on budget when we treat each other from all over the country.
It takes time management and reminds us how valuable our time is.
Spontaneity is really very expensive in LDR. As a result, I am a million times more efficient at managing my time, whether it’s waking up early to make room for longer Skype calls, or planning my vacation months in advance. Even our battles are more effective. We spend less time extinguishing or passive aggression because the time we spend together is so limited and therefore so valuable that it seems like a waste of time to be wasted on pettiness.
