How to Pretend to Be More Confident When You Just Can’t Feel It
Confidence can be an enviable quality . Complete confidence in yourself and your abilities gives you the courage to take risks and do great things. But confidence isn’t always easy, and it can come and go depending on your mood. Good news: you can easily fake this.
Remember that self-esteem and self-confidence are two different things . You may feel that you are not doing well at everything you do, and still have complete confidence in doing your job. And vice versa. You may value your skills, but you may just not be very confident about using them among other people. The problem is that some social situations require confidence, such as speaking or interviewing for a job. Whatever the scenario, here are a few things to keep in mind in order to look confident when you just don’t feel it.
Speak the correct body language
Body language is subtle, but it can send a powerful message that you are not even aware of. For example, a few habits will automatically call you insecure:
- Poor posture: slouching, hunched shoulders.
- Fidget
- Crossed arms
By changing them to the correct body language, you can immediately look more confident. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy talks about “powerful poses.” She suggests movements that are more open, spread out, and take up a little more space to exude strength. Consider, for example, the Wonder Woman pose (or any of these power poses ), with the elbows protruding, taking up more space, and the feet spaced apart. This is a classic strength pose. What’s more, practicing these “great strength poses” will ultimately help you feel more confident. This is where the old old phrase “pretend until you do” really rings true.
Your shoulders can be an amazing indicator of self-confidence, too. As former FBI counterintelligence agent Joe Navarro noted :
Over the years, after conducting thousands of interviews, I noticed one of the things that, unfortunately, did not write about in the literature – this is how the shoulders betrayed those who lacked confidence or who outright lied. I have found that when people are not sure of what they are saying, or lack confidence, their shoulders tend to reflect that uncertainty.
He notes that raising your shoulders, almost shrugging your shoulders, can be a clear sign of your insecurity and insecurity. Instead, stand up straight and bring your shoulders back. It’s obvious, and it’s probably the advice your mom gave you, but it can really make a big difference.
It also helps you practice. For example, when preparing for an interview, it can help you practice walking into a room to get a feel for your own body language (or even practice on a friend ). This may seem like a foolish thing to do, but it will help you get comfortable in your own skin.
Master’s eye contact
Lack of eye contact can obviously indicate a lack of confidence, but too much eye contact can make you look like you’re trying too hard (or aggressive). You want to maintain just the right amount, but finding that golden spot isn’t really that hard. As a general rule, try to make eye contact 60% of the time . It will depend on the situation, of course, but it’s not so much about the exact percentage as about making sure you’re interacting with someone without coming across as overly intense.
It is also helpful to ask close friends and family how they feel about your eye contact. This is an easy way to find out if you are making too much or too little. However, for the most part, we tend to look less in the eye when we lack confidence. Here’s a trick to help you remember: Get in the habit of noticing the color of their eyes . When you’re dating someone and want to look confident, pair their name with their eye color. In doing so, you will look them more in the eyes.
Explore the components of charisma
Confident people are often charismatic ; character traits go hand in hand. While confidence is more about your own habits and behaviors, charisma is about how you relate to and interact with others. In short, you want to practice.
Earlier we discussed the book The Myth of Charisma , which says that charisma boils down to three things:
- Be present at the moment with others
- Radiate warmth, expressing benevolence
- You can appear strong by giving the impression of being able to influence the world around you.
The two second rule can help you with the first point. It’s simple: wait two seconds before answering when it’s your turn to speak. First, it shows that you are listening to and processing what the other person is saying. However, it also creates a slight tension, and when you answer, it shows that you are in charge of the tone and flow of the conversation, which creates a sense of strength and confidence, touching on the third point.
Asking questions is also a great and easy way to show warmth and connect with someone else. Interestingly, you are also in control of the conversation when you ask questions, which again demonstrates power.
Charismatic people also know how to keep up a conversation. Avoid awkward silence with the story / philosophy / metaphor rule . If you are unsure of how to respond to something, consider it from each side. As the blog Dumb Little Man explains :
tell them that you and your partner are on a roller coaster ride in a scene and you suddenly don’t know what to say. Do not be afraid! You can always rely on good old HPM:
HISTORY – This reminds me of the last time I rode this slide …
PHILOSOPHY – I HATE, dude, cup holders! All the ups and downs make me vomit. But I walk one at a time every day to prepare me for life’s ups and downs.
METAPHOR – Roller coasters are like cigarettes …
Remember, charisma has more to do with how your behavior affects the people around you. Just being present and making them feel important can make a huge difference. He displays warmth and strength, which in a nutshell is charisma.
Sounds like you know what you’re talking about
Of course, if you want to look confident, you have to sound like you know what you’re talking about … even if you don’t. Here are some simple and quick ways to do it:
- Avoid empty words: “mmm”, “like”, “mmm”.
- Don’t jump at the first opportunity to speak. Take a moment and think about your answer.
- Speak slowly and calmly.
Beyond that, you want to highlight what you know. This is classic interview advice. If you don’t have a definitive answer to a question, don’t try to lie or hide it, but instead, end your answer with what you know. For example: “No, I don’t have much public speaking experience, but I spent a lot of time meeting in my old job and it helped me get used to speaking in front of a crowd. It was a difficult part of my job, but I learned so much about how to put out fires. “
This is just one silly example, but you get the idea. And it can work with other scripts that are credible too, such as speeches, debates, or Q&A.
One thing we are guilty of is trying to prove that others are wrong. It’s tempting to put people in their shoes, but it can also make you feel insecure. It’s one thing to clarify the question you’re being asked, but thinking about why you’re right makes it seem like you’re trying to prove yourself.
At times, trying to be confident can seem cocky, but that’s only because you’ve overdone it. Confidence is not about being the best, but about being confident that you can be yourself. So it seems a little ironic to suggest pretending to be more comfortable with your skin. But there is something to be said for the cliché “pretend until you do it.” Sometimes movement really makes you feel them.
Ideally, you want to learn how to develop self-confidence in the long term , because it is a useful trait that gives you the ability to try new things , take risks and achieve high goals . But everyone has a weekend, and these days these tips can come in handy.