How to Tell a Potential Partner You Have an STI
The CDC estimates you have a 50% chance of contracting a sexually transmitted infection before you turn 25. Although STIs are very common, most people feel uncomfortable talking honestly about safety with new sex partners. STIs are never going to be a walk in the park, but sharing your status shouldn’t be so scary.
First: come to terms with your STI
A positive STI test is a bummer, so if you just found out, feel free to cry, get angry, or throw a tantrum. Once you allow yourself to react, the stronger feelings subside and you can see the situation more objectively.
In fact, most STIs don’t really matter. Many of these can be treated with a simple dose of antibiotics. Some strains of HPV can be cleared by your body without any outside interference. Many people with herpes have only a few outbreaks in their entire lives. Even HIV, the worst-case scenario for STIs, is much easier to cope with thanks to the latest advances in medicine. You don’t need to worry, but you do need to learn about your STIs. Talk to your doctor about symptoms and treatment. Read the Planned Parenthood section for information on transmission and risk factors.
Since the stigma associated with STIs continues to exist, you may be ashamed of contracting one of them. Try to be gentle with yourself. Even the most safety-conscious people are prone to contracting STIs. Condoms and dental pads are not reliable. One of your partners may have lied to you about their status, or you may have been tricked by a partner who passed on STIs to you. And you know what? Sometimes we are just wrong. Unless you want to live in a world where we have discreet, methodical sex with full body condoms, there is always the risk of getting undressed with another person. If you are ashamed, remind yourself that you are not an STI. You are a person with a certain STI, but your STI is not your whole human being.
Choose the right time
One of the most difficult questions that arises is when to reveal your status to a new partner. Of course, you need to tell them before engaging in potentially dangerous sexual behavior. You don’t want to wait until you start playing the tip-only game to talk about STIs. If you are confused in the blink of an eye, there is very little chance that you are going to unravel your limbs to talk about safety. Plus, you don’t want your partner to feel like you’re hiding your status from them.
But if you’re in no rush to get to know each other before engaging in an intimate relationship, you may also want to take your time to share your status. After all, your sex story is personal information and doesn’t need to be divulged right away unless your partner is at risk. You can set yourself up from a few dates to a few months, depending on how long it takes you to feel comfortable, even if you think about being intimate with someone else. This waiting gives you the opportunity to see if there is enough chemistry between you to continue; there is no point in sharing your status with someone if you understand that you do not want to have an intimate relationship with him. Waiting also lowers your chances of being a decommissioned partner. The ideal partner’s response would be, “Damn, that sucks, but it feels like he can go somewhere and is worth the risk,” instead of “well, this chick seemed pretty cool, but it was just one date. … “
You should also make sure to tell your partner in private. This is not the same conversation at Starbucks. Homes are a good option as they will have time to process information in their own space. Face to face may seem tense, but it really is the best choice.
Practice what to say.
There is no escape from this: it can be embarrassing to tell someone about your STI status. But you can avoid discomfort by preparing your application. Think about how you would like to be approached if the roles were reversed, and find words that seem natural to you. Try something like, “I had a great time with you. Before it goes any further physically, I wanted to talk to you about something important. I have (fill in the field) “.
From there, tell them a few details about your STI. You don’t need to guide your PE teacher in 8th grade, but some basic information is helpful, especially since you probably don’t know what their STI education is. For example: “I have herpes. I don’t know if you know anything about this, but I will be happy to answer any questions you may have. I have only had one outbreak and other than that I have no symptoms. It is contagious, and there is still a risk that you could get it even if we use protection. ” Tell your partner which activities are safe and which are dangerous. For example: “I don’t have oral herpes, so I can fight you.”
If you are very nervous before starting this conversation, try saying something like, “I like you very much and I wanted to talk to you about something personal. It’s hard for me to talk about it, so I hope you can try to listen without judgment. ” This will set your partner up for a compassionate response. If you have a friend you really trust, try practicing saying words out loud in front of them. Try to speak calmly and confidently. Don’t humiliate yourself. If you can set the tone from the start, you will model the type of reaction your partner should have.
Consider telling your story
It cannot be denied that people judge people with STIs. If you think this will make you feel better, consider sharing your story as you reveal your status. For example, “I got herpes from an ex who didn’t tell me he had it,” or “I want you to know I’m HIV positive. My mother passed it on to me during childbirth. ” This does not mean that there are “acceptable” and “unacceptable” reasons for contracting an STI. You can just as easily say, “I’m usually a very safe person, but this time I got caught up in the moment and made a mistake.”
Give your partner time to make a decision.
After you’ve shared your status with your partner and answered any questions they might have, tell them that you will give them some time to think about next steps. Say something like, “Here are some resources I’ve found helpful. I’m happy to talk about this in more detail, but I wanted to give you time to think about it yourself. Maybe you will call me tomorrow? “Then go away. This gives you the opportunity to leave with dignity and gives your partner time to process the information on their own.
Don’t take it personally
I know this can be extremely difficult, but try not to take it as a personal rejection if someone decides that they are uncomfortable sleeping with you. Some people will think this is a jerk, but try to take it as a sign that you shouldn’t sleep with them anyway. Others simply react to risks and make decisions about their own bodies. Choosing to make a mistake for security reasons is not the same as personal judgment or rejection. Remember that you are a person who has an STI, but your STI does not define you.
Above all, you must be immensely proud of yourself for your honesty! So many people are not brave enough to talk about their STI status, which only translates into higher transmission rates. Sharing your status is a sign of respect, maturity, and shared dignity.