How Lack of Confrontation Helped Me Back to Life
As a child, she received high marks for gentleness and good behavior. I was a “nice guy” who never gave a hassle or fidgeted. It has carried over into adulthood, and I avoid all arguments like the plague. But being non-confrontational as an adult is more destructive and exhausting than helpful.
For a long time, I thought this was a good trait. When others argued or complained, I was diplomatic and kept the peace. Having been around a multitude of outspoken people who sometimes fell into a rage over little things, I didn’t want to have anything to do with ugly emotions like anger. In the fight-or-flight paradigm, these loud, outspoken people were fighters, while my gut reaction, especially in social situations, was to run and hide. Now I know that both approaches – freely expressing all your emotions and opinions, or hiding them completely – are a recipe for disaster for everyone involved.
Peace at any cost
Of course, there are times when non-confrontation is beneficial – like when you make a peace deal with terrorists or trying to calm a sleep deprived toddler in the middle of a mall – but it shouldn’t be your only way to act towards others. I was afraid and avoided any uncomfortable social situations, including those that could help me develop or improve my relationship.
For example, if a friend or colleague made a comment that worried me, I would not say anything. I was just seething inwardly and not talking to this person, perhaps allowing this negative feeling to fester until the friendship faded away or I exploded like a pressure cooker over seemingly nothing (but it was actually accumulated resentment). Likewise, instead of asking for a promotion or promotion, I waited for the company to raise the issue, if ever, and just accepted whatever they suggested – all the while angry that I hadn’t gotten a promotion. which I did not receive. ask for and consider leaving for a new job because of this. I allow bad relationships to last longer than they should be, just because I didn’t want “these conversations” to hurt someone’s feelings.
Even the smallest skirmishes — which would not seem like confrontation to other people — gave me excruciating anxiety. It was uncomfortable for me to go back to the cashier if they gave me the wrong amount of change, ask my relatives to turn off the TV if it was turned on too loudly, or even tell the massage therapist that the pressure was too strong and they were hurting me. I was the person with the poster who smiled and carried, and in the end I had to pay for all these hesitations and fears – physically, emotionally and financially.
Why people are not prone to confrontation
I can’t speak for everyone who has had the same problem, but it seems to me that I have never felt comfortable being assertive or resolving conflict because of my personality and my distorted view of confrontation. I think I am not in the mood for confrontation by design.
Most people who know me would probably describe me as quiet and quiet. I do not stand out and do not speak out unnecessarily, because it requires a lot of energy and effort from me. But other people in my family? No problem. My 9-year-old daughter is ready to challenge any authority figure – me, teachers and other adults in general. I am shocked and dismayed by this, wondering why she can’t just be “nice” and quiet (like me) and follow directions even if she doesn’t agree with them. But she is a fighter, and I am a pilot.
Personality aside, I think we non-confrontationists (new word!) Care too much about what others think . I want everyone to be happy. I don’t want anyone to think of me as aggressive, selfish, loud or stubborn – something that I associate with more outspoken people. I don’t want to be seen as a complainant or labeled as an assertive woman: bitches. (This is a completely different post, but especially for women, assertiveness is seen as aggression and turns you off even more.)
Most of the time, however, direct conflict just makes me feel awkward and extremely uncomfortable.
The problem of non-confrontation
While avoiding confrontation can help you get along better with people, it also helps people take advantage of you. Author Andrew Schwab explains it well (he talks specifically about passive men, but this applies to women as well):
First, avoiding conflict will never extinguish it. It only delays. And by avoiding, you are actually fueling the problem, so that when it comes to the surface, the situation becomes more dramatic than it should be. Second, “to please” always breeds resentment. The verifier always feels deceived because his true feelings are never heard. And people who are being manipulated always feel cheated because they feel that they never had a choice in this matter. Third, passive / avoidant types tend to have bad temperaments. This is because a) their feelings are always held back; b) they fall into the trap of situations from which they cannot get out, because they do not want to step on anything. Fourth, this type of guy usually feels isolated. When your goal is to avoid conflict, you are unlikely to ever be able to deeply connect with anyone, because it requires a level of vulnerability that is inconvenient and risky. Plus, the good guys tend to get anxious because they put a lot of energy into making everyone around them happy.
The main victims in this equation are our courage and, ultimately, our character.
In other words, by trying to avoid direct conflict or tension, we are actually making the situation worse. Trying to please everyone without protecting ourselves can also force us to act passively aggressively – this is a defense mechanism that actually expresses anger with a smile.
I didn’t realize how passive-aggressive I was until my daughter pointed it out: “Mom is the most passive-aggressive person in the world!” Striking examples are the rejection of sarcastic comments like “So what, it would be nice if the lawn was mowed” or “It’s a pity that our child does not know how to put away his toys.” Sometimes passive aggressiveness is simply not saying anything or avoiding people – classic non-confrontational techniques. As the Washington Post explains , this annoying behavior is often a strategy we use when we are afraid to be honest and open or think we don’t deserve to speak up.
How I overcame my non-confrontational tendencies
As with anything you want to change, the first step is to acknowledge the problem and examine its causes. One of the turning points for me was when the counselor told me that depression is actually anger turned inward. Like turning on a light, what she said at least partially explained why I struggled with depression from an early age. I find it difficult to express anger.
Since then, I have taken steps to accept the conflict, if not accept it. In addition to learning to better manage my anger , several strategies have helped me:
Resolve conflicts immediately when they are small. Like other social skills, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and requires practice. It is easier to speak up at the beginning of a conflict than to try to wait it out. If you find it difficult to be honest with people close to you, look for opportunities to practice with strangers, such as calling to discuss a cell phone bill. Remember, “Nobody cares, so do what you want.”
Redefine how you think about conflict. Assertiveness or expressing one’s opinion does not mean meanness, selfishness or aggression. Conflict isn’t always bad – it’s often necessary for change, and even angry confrontation can be beneficial. This is hard to believe when you are not in the mood for confrontation, but at least think about it.
Act as if you are advising a friend. We are all probably more rational and bolder when we give advice to friends than when we make our own decisions. If you are faced with an awkward social situation, overcome this non-confrontational barrier by pretending that you are acting for a friend. Or think about what you would advise a friend to do in the same situation .
Use the communication tool that is most convenient for you. This letter is for me. If I need to challenge or confront someone, writing an email or letter helps me organize my thoughts. I can express my thoughts better in writing compared to speaking, but writing can also lead to a deeper personal conversation.
If you must avoid confrontation, try to make the situation less stressful for you. Besides fight or flight, there is another option: stay and change your point of view. Recently I had a family visiting me and driving me crazy, holding me back and overwhelming me. I could: run into them and ask them to leave, say nothing but cry alone (my previous default strategy), or work on my feelings of frustration. I’m not quite there yet, but I’ve been working to correct my resentment so that I can act out of kindness and compassion.
I am still the same calm and diplomatic person I was before, but a little more straightforward. As says the writer John Veyrik, our most healthy relationship can not avoid confrontation, but we will learn how to navigate well in it.