For a More Persuasive Apology, Use the Person’s “apology Language”
We all make mistakes from time to time, and when it comes to someone else, it’s good to apologize. But people have different ways to apologize. When you tell someone that you are sorry, it may be better to stick to their apology language.
In a sense, we all communicate in different ways. The way I express empathy, regret, or love may not quite match yours. Let’s say I spill coffee on your shoes and say dryly: “Sorry. I’ll buy you new shoes. For some, this might work, but others might expect more. Refunds may not matter as much to them as regretting an apology.
You may have heard of Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages . The title admittedly sounds trite, but the concept itself is quite insightful. Essentially, it involves showing your partner you love them in a way that matters most to them . And it’s the same concept that underlies Chapman’s 5 Apology Languages, which he and psychologist Jennifer Thomas write about in When Regret Is Not Enough . Based on their research, they found that people have five ways to apologize:
- Expressing regret: An apology focuses on the emotion. He expresses regret, guilt, or shame.
- Taking responsibility : Making an apology admits guilt.
- Genuine repentance : there is a promise to change.
- Asking for forgiveness : An apology allows the person who accepts it to allow the relationship to be rebuilt.
- Compensation for Damage : Includes a plan to remedy the situation.
If you’ve known someone for a while, you probably have a pretty good idea of the language in which they apologize. When you do, you can edit your apology to better match their language. When it’s a coworker of yours or someone you don’t know very well, it can be a little more difficult.
If this is the case, consider the suggestion by writer Steve Robbins to remember all five languages when you apologize. Of course, in many cases, people can accept your apology even if it doesn’t fit their definition of what an apology should be. It’s just a way to show some empathy.
On the other hand, it can also help you remember these languages when you receive an apology. If someone is not using your method, they can be just as sincere using their own.
Find out more about what Robbins has to say about these languages at the link below.
How To Use The 5 Apology Languages | Quick and dirty tips