How to Support Someone When They Decide to Quit Smoking
Earlier this year, my fiance decided to quit smoking. Of course, I wanted to help, but as someone who has never had a real addiction, I had no idea how to make it easier for him. After a few months of living with someone who finally gave up this habit, here’s what I learned.
When a loved one takes on a difficult task, it is quite natural to want to cheer him up and understand what he is going through – this is obvious. But aside from giving them encouragement and support, there are a few things you can do that really help them do just that.
Remember: this is not about you
At the beginning of our relationship, Brian said, “I want to quit. But this is what I have to do myself. ” At the time, I didn’t quite understand the meaning of this, but I got the point: I’m going to leave when I’m ready . Over the years I have persuaded him to leave, but I have never threatened or issued an ultimatum. He made it clear that the smoking was not because of me. Leaving was the goal for himself . According to him, the first thing I supported his desire to quit was to take this statement to heart.
When he finally made a decision, he really wanted it for himself, and it was important. It is much easier to quit smoking when you really want to quit than to quit because you have met someone new.
At the same time, secondhand smoke is terrible. He had to acknowledge the impact of his habit. So while getting fired was not about me, part of his inspiration to quit smoking had a lot to do with how his habit affected me and others.
But you can still give advice
Ultimatums are never a good idea, but research shows suggestions work. In an article published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine , the researchers wrote:
Five of them, outlined in recent USPHS guidelines, are: ask about tobacco use, advise to quit smoking, assess willingness to try to quit smoking, help with treatment, and organize follow-up. The focus of this model is on a clear statement that advises the smoker to quit smoking. If, in the assessment … the smoker is unwilling to quit, motivate the smoker with 5 rupees; that is, focus on personal information about the risks of smoking, rewards for smoking cessation, barriers to quitting, and repeating this advice.
Results from randomized trials strongly suggest that concise recommendations based on these models are effective. According to the latest meta-analysis, even 3 minutes of such recommendations, made systematically and diplomatically, increase the quit rate by 1.3-1.7 times.
From my understanding that Brian’s obstacle was not in me, I also knew that a little nudge would keep his attention on it. This research confirmed my instinct. I, along with friends and family, from time to time reminded him of how important it is to quit smoking. We were cunning, we didn’t scold him for it, but we made sure that he understood that it was important. “You guys didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t know,” he said. “And yes, it was a little annoying. But it kept me in my head. ” In fact, our persistence helped make it a priority in the end.
Don’t try to take over
I know what works for me when I’m trying to break a habit. And I’ve also read quite a bit of research and thoughts on this. When Brian decided to quit smoking, my fan of internal control felt inclined to come up with a plan of action based on my own experience and knowledge.
Many people believe that what works for them should work for everyone. I made this mistake too. Brian’s morning routine as a smoker was as follows: wake up, make coffee, go out on the porch with a beer and a cigarette. When he left, he continued this routine by going outside for coffee, only without a cigarette. I was afraid this routine would seduce him too much. But I had no habit of giving it up, so I had no idea how he felt there. Maybe he wasn’t tempted at all. Maybe he was tempted, but that was part of his plan. This may not be what works for me, but this is what works for him, and eventually I had to believe that he could figure out what was best for himself.
He used some of my advice, but he took most of it with a grain of salt because, after all, he tests his own habits. He knows their nuances and routines, and he knows how to work with them.
Plus, you have to admit that part of quitting smoking is trial and error. The average smoker makes several attempts before quitting . They figure out what works and what doesn’t, and then make adjustments as needed. The bottom line is that support is not so much telling someone what to do, it offers its own two cents and then trusts their decisions.
Find out which feedback works best
Negativity can be motivating. Even when it comes to something as emotionally difficult as getting rid of an addiction, a little bit of negativity takes place. For example, not long ago, CVS sponsored a study that showed that the idea of losing money can be a motivation for quitting smoking:
Two programs required participants to make a prepayment of US $ 150, which was refunded if participants successfully quit smoking. Overall, study participants who participated in any of the four incentive programs were nearly three times more likely to quit smoking than those who received routine care alone. In addition, although participants categorized as requiring an upfront deposit were more likely to withdraw than participants in purely incentive programs, deposit programs resulted in almost double the six months of abstinence from smoking among people who would agree. any type of program.
Of course, there are many different factors to consider here. First, I would say that if you are motivated enough to shell out an upfront deposit, you are probably better positioned to quit smoking. You are willing to bet your money because you believe it is a win-win.
However, the point is that different feedback works for different people on different occasions . Most of the advice on how to support someone who quits smoking tells you about constant optimism. This makes sense, and in my own scenario, I was optimistic probably ninety-five percent of the time. Obviously, this motivates you to tell someone that you are proud of them, believe in them and all that. But let’s talk about five percent of the time I was not that funny.
One day when Brian slipped and lit a cigarette, I told him that I was disappointed in him. In doing so, I made him feel guilty, embarrassed, and small. I acted in the heat of the moment, selfishly, not thinking about how this reaction might affect his success. But, surprisingly, he later told me that this reaction really helped. This made him realize what, in his opinion, should no longer be thought about, and not just dismissed. He turned compliance into this craving, and it helped prevent future temptations. I was surprised because I thought I had done the wrong thing. While I should probably have thought more about my actions, he seemed to appreciate a little bit of negativity.
This does not mean that everyone will react the same way. And for the most part, it helped to be more positive. But Brian is also cynical by nature. While he appreciated the occasional “I’m proud of you,” the constant repetition of this and being overly cheerful also made him feel stupid and annoyed after a while.
The point is that everyone is different. While positive affirmations work best in most cases, I found it more helpful to listen to my partner and find out which feedback works best for the situation.
Update: As the reader Dr. Batman points out , this is technically an example of positive reinforcement, not negative reinforcement as we previously stated (although how your smoker sees this may depend on their point of view). We’ve adjusted our language to match.
Set up your empathy
Before leaving, he told me that the ride could be bumpy. He told me that he might be irritable, more jaded than usual, and maybe he doesn’t feel like doing things around the house.
Part of the support was learning to accept it and resist making him worry about it, and he said that was the biggest support I did. I wanted to create an environment in which he would not want to smoke. This meant that I tried:
- Take on some of his chores around the house, or just calmly that they haven’t been completed.
- Focus on my own stress level, which is often transmitted to him.
- Don’t give him trouble if he is tired or irritable.
- Don’t force him to go to places where he wants to smoke. For example, some friends wanted to meet at a bar, Brian was not ready for alcohol, which was the trigger for smoking, so I went alone.
In short, I needed to understand a little and I had to understand that he was going through a rather difficult process. This meant that I needed to raise the load a little and help where I could. Many times he corrected my weakness when I needed it too.
Of course, you don’t want to have an affair with a partner who insults you or uses you. Being grumpy is one thing, verbal abuse is another.
The bottom line is that empathy is important. I’ve never been a smoker, so I have no idea what it takes to quit smoking. To better understand his situation, I tried to find out how addiction works and to find out what people go through when they quit smoking. As a result, I was able to better recognize certain symptoms. I didn’t know how they felt, but I knew what they were. After learning about addiction and learning how it affected him as a person, I honed my empathy and gave the best feedback and support.
Quitting smoking is not an easy process. And supporting someone, of course, does not make the task easier, but it can make it less difficult. In my experience, listening, learning and trusting a partner’s opinion has helped me offer the most helpful support.