How to Control Your Temperament Before You Lose It
We all get angry sometimes, but if you’re prone to outbursts of rage that rival the Hulk, it can really ruin your relationship and even ruin your career . Here are some tips for staying cool when you feel like a short fuse is flaring up.
Stop yourself before you react
Try to apply the brakes as quickly as possible before doing anything else. While this may seem obvious, thinking before you react is one of the most effective ways to keep your anger in check. However, what you do after applying the brake may differ. There is no silver bullet for everyone, but you can start with the classics:
- Count to ten, mentally or aloud, so you can cool off and see where you are.
- Think about the situation: Ask yourself a question that will help you assess the situation. Can you control this? Have you misunderstood what fuels your fire? Know where you are going before moving forward.
- Take time out: apologize and walk away from the situation . You are a pot of boiling water, so move away from the heat source before boiling.
- Take a couple of deep breaths: lower your heart rate and send oxygen to your brain. Psychologist Carlos Coto of Pick the Brain offers a 4×4 breathing technique in which you breathe in for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, and slowly exhale your breath for four seconds. Repeat until you feel calm enough to react.
If you feel like your patience always comes first, you can do a simple trick – leave something in your pocket to tinker with. It can be a pebble, coin, pen, whatever, as long as it is a physical object. Consider this your talisman and grab it when your impatience is at its peak. Mary Jane Ryan, author of The Power of Patience , explains how this can kill your temper :
… when you feel irritated, move it from one pocket to another. This will break the cycle of impatience and give you a chance to regroup.
You can tinker with this when your anger starts to build up, as if you were nervous. Then, when it gets too much, switch your pocket. Your mind will be forced to shift gears and focus on the action of handling the object, which will make you more aware and give you enough time to allow your best thinking to kick in and pull you off the ledge. It might sound a little silly at first – like the totem from Inception – but it can be very effective if you give it a fair chance. The key to curbing anger is to confuse your mind, as if you cut a burning fuse before it hits a bomb.
Imagine how angry you are and see how it will look
Looking at situations from a third person can be helpful in solving problems , but it can also help you change the way you view situations when you lose sight of things. When you flare up, tunnel vision narrows your thoughts, giving the impression that getting angry is the only course of action.
Caroline Smith of Mind Tools invites you to imagine what you look like when you are angry, to get rid of it before it happens:
Imagining how you look and behave in anger gives you some idea of the situation. For example, if you are about to yell at a coworker, imagine how you will look. Is your face red? Are you waving your hands? Would you like to work with such a person? Probably no.
You may be worried about what upsets you, but you probably also care about the way you look. Especially if you find yourself in a professional environment. Thinking about anger may seem counterintuitive, but it will make you feel a little silly and prevent you from doing what you regret.
Meditate or do exercises in short bursts
When you have a break or time for yourself, a little meditation or exercise can get you out of your funk. These actions can take you away from reality for a short while and allow your brain to recharge, leaving you fresher throughout the day. If you’re unsure of where to start your mini-meditation session, Harvard Business Review’s Marshall Goldsmith recommends starting by simply defining how you feel :
The next time you feel overwhelmed by a negative emotion, ask yourself, “How do I feel at this moment?” Connect with the feeling or emotion first. Once you’ve done that, make a quiet statement to yourself that you don’t want this anymore! For example, when someone dangerously cuts you off on the freeway, you might think, “I don’t want this anger” (or “anger” if it’s that bad).
Accept how you feel and give it up. Throw it away. Replace this with constructive thoughts. Declare that you want to be productive and calm instead. Think about what you can do in the next hour or what you can do today to make tomorrow easier. Your thoughts will switch from anger to things that make your work more manageable.
