Why Is It so Hard to Learn From Our Mistakes (and What You Can Do)
You know how important it is to learn from your mistakes, but it’s actually easier said than done. Despite our best efforts to learn, our brains fight us every step of the way. But with the right know-how and the right approach, you should be able to cleanse them subtly.
We explain that it was not a mistake to start with
Sometimes we distort reality so that it seems as if we were not wrong at all. Unfortunately, to learn from your mistake, you need to be able to admit that you made it. We don’t like to feel bad, so we find ways to get around the truth. We say to ourselves, “I didn’t screw up, that’s the way it should be.” This is one of the biggest obstacles you can create for yourself, and possibly the most important one to overcome.
This is known as choice bias, or the tendency to retroactively create positive attributes of the choices you have made. A good example of this is Stockholm Buyer Syndrome , or post-purchase rationalization. Remember that thing that you bought for a lot of money but never used? Deep down, you probably knew it was a mistake when you bought it, but you found a way to rationalize that this was what you really needed after you made the mistake of spending all that money.
The same thing happens in your brain when you make other mistakes. You eat a lot of sugary snacks and tell yourself you can indulge yourself and that you deserve it. You skip the gym because you tell yourself you need a day off. Your project failed because the idea was ahead of its time.
This type of thinking can come naturally to us because we don’t want to feel bad. So instead, we defend ourselves and start looking for the best possible cause — any possible cause — that doesn’t prove ourselves. You may be afraid to admit that you made a mistake – even just in front of yourself – simply because you are trying to protect yourself.
It is difficult to admit your actions, especially when they make you look stupid in the eyes of others, but you cannot learn until you do it. Change your definition of failure and remind yourself that you are not the only person in the world who makes mistakes . They do everything very often. The thought that you can never learn from mistakes must be much scarier than the thought of admitting them to yourself.
We assume next time the result will magically be different.
They say that madness repeats the same thing over and over and expects a different result. It’s like a mathematical equation in which you are a variable. If you don’t change what you are doing, you will always get the same answer.
Sometimes we convince ourselves that certain results are just a product of external factors. We begin to believe that there are other variables in the equation that we do not control, and one day that variable will be just right. As long as we continue to stick to the same old routine, the stars will converge and we will hit the jackpot. This is similar to another cognitive bias known as player delusion . If you flip a coin and get heads 50 times in a row, you will definitely get heads for the 51st time, right? Of course not, because the odds are always the same and this is completely random. You can flip a coin endlessly and never get heads.
This kind of thinking is going on all the time. Let’s say you had a job assignment that you turned in late. You are chewed for it, but you blame it on an abnormally busy week. The next week it does it again, but you tell yourself that you have a lot going on at home. Is this the same as gambling? No, but it’s the same concept. You assume things will be different next time just because . You think to yourself:
“I don’t have to do anything differently because it all happens because of all this.”
Or:
“Everything will be better next week. This coin will finally land heads next week. “
However, this will not happen. At least there is no guarantee that this will be the case. You need to analyze your week and see what is holding you back from getting your work done on time. Start early, stop wasting time on the Internet, or seek help if you need it. Take a coin in the air and place it face up. Your mistakes do not correct themselves – you correct them.
We cannot clearly identify what went wrong
Sometimes we have the clarity and courage to realize our mistakes and admit them, but we don’t know anything because we don’t know why . You can’t learn a lesson without material! For example, you may have an unpleasant habit of never waking up on time. You can try alarm after alarm when the real problem is you are not going to bed early enough. Don’t assume that the first problem you run into is the real reason. Level up the suspects and read all the evidence .
If the problem is difficult, go back as far as possible to go through all the steps along the way. Write it down or draw it as a flowchart if needed. Look at the flow of events and ask yourself questions that will help narrow down the issues. Here are some examples:
- What is the likely sequence of events?
- Didn’t their many small mistakes lead to a bigger one?
- Have the wrong assumptions been made?
- I was trying to solve the correct problem?
- What would I do differently in the same situation?
Finally, ask yourself if you’ve tried the impossible . If so, then in fact what happened was not a mistake at all. Be careful about flagging your mistakes in this way, but don’t be offended if all the evidence points to an imminent event.
We also allow time to take over. Time can heal all wounds, but it can also make us forget important details and look back at things with rose-colored glasses. You can look back at an old relationship that soured and blame the other person for the failure, but there are probably still lessons to be learned from your behavior during this period.
In fact, it may not even be possible to recognize errors until some time has passed. Emotions can get the better of us when we make really big mistakes, blurring our vision and preventing us from thinking right. So take the time to look back from time to time and see what you can learn. Just because you didn’t learn from the error when it happened doesn’t mean you can’t learn from it now.
We are not looking for a third-party point of view
Sometimes it just isn’t possible to do everything alone. You can be fully aware of your mistakes, carefully monitor every move with a serrated comb, and still remain in complete darkness. Everyone is doing something without realizing it, so anything that causes your mistakes can be so ingrained in your programming that you literally can’t see it. If so, you need to seek help.
However, keep in mind that asking for help does not guarantee that you will figure it out, and you may also not like what you hear. Mark Sheed of Productivity501 invites you to act with the right mindset if you do ask:
Don’t do this unless you really need their input . For example, if you have a good friend at work that you got fired from and who is familiar with the situation, ask if there are things you did or didn’t do that they could see that contributed to your failure … Once they you will say, don’t argue. If you disagree, keep it to yourself. They are doing you a great service by breaking social norms and being honest with you. If you don’t think their point of view is correct, just put it aside . What may seem irrelevant today can turn out to be very useful in a year.
Remember, asking for help is tough. It takes courage to open yourself up in this way, but you need to have the right mindset, otherwise you will just get upset. If you are uncomfortable seeing the point of view of others, try changing your point of view . Look at your problem from different angles or pretend that it was not your fault. Sometimes we are better at correcting other people’s mistakes, so look at your failure as if you were helping a friend.
We don’t even try
Worst of all: Sometimes we know that something is going wrong and that it is our fault, but we don’t even try to fix it. So what do we do instead? We give up. We swear and moan about how much we suck and complain that things don’t go as planned . Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a slap in the face to figure it out.
However, this does not mean that you have to wait until that slap appears. You can catch it and slap yourself. You don’t have to sit on yourself when you throw the ball. You just make yourself feel bad and everything snowballs until you believe you can do something right. You can shift gears and completely change the way you see your flaws, even before the signal to wake up arrives. Your perception of the world is indeed malleable and you have the opportunity to change your worldview and try . The only one in your path is you.
Don’t rationalize yourself, stop expecting things to change for no reason, figure out what went wrong, and just keep trying. That’s what life is: trying. The best thing about mistakes is that we have all made them, so there is no reason to ever be ashamed. Enjoy them and find a way to learn from them in a fun way. Your mistakes will instantly become a commodity.