How to Talk About Race With Your Children
It would be great if you could just tell the kids, “People may look different and come from different places, but we are all equal and we should be treated the same” and leave it as it is. But if recent news has taught us anything, it is that reality is not so simple and we must face the themes of race and racism face to face.
Why discussing race is so important
Children notice. Children from an early age notice that other children are similar or different from them – in every way they can be similar or different – because this is part of how they define their place in the world. Racial identification plays a large role in our self-worth, in how others relate to us, and how we function in society.
A couple of years ago, when she was about five years old, my daughter told me, “There is only one black person teaching in our school.” I replied, “Is that so?” (my default answer when I don’t know how to answer and wait for context). She said that yes, it’s interesting, but then she left everything as it is, as if it was just an observation, for example, how one house in our block has a gray roof, and the rest are all green. (I missed a really good learning point.) Most recently, she complained, “People keep asking me, ‘Are you Chinese? “Why do they all ask me if I am Chinese?” !! “in a disappointed and judgmental tone, and it became clearer that it was time for more talk about racial stereotypes, racial identity, and race politics.
I thought about this for a while but didn’t know where to start. Like many other parents, I was afraid to say the wrong thing or emphasize too much race, and as enlightened and impartial as I am (please read, if you like, in a humorous tone), I know that we have everyone has prejudices that we are not aware of and that we unknowingly can pass on to our children.
If you are raising a black child (or a child of another race or culture who is often discriminated against), you will need Conversation. As Janice Fuller-Roberts Dame says of the Salon , it’s a very delicate balance:
We must teach our children that not only must they abide by the general rules of society, but also must abide by a special set of rules set especially for them because of their race. And we have to walk a fine line between teaching them how NOT to be killed by people who are legally bound to protect them, and at the same time preserving their dignity and gaining the respect they deserve.
Parents of white children also need to talk about racism if they seek to raise children who are free of racial bias and who can function in our interracial society. Silence about this does not prevent racism, it actually helps perpetuate common prejudices, notes the New York Times :
It is children whose parents refer directly to race – and directly means much more than a vague proclamation of all equal – who are less likely to make assumptions about people based on our skin color.
“Cultural racism is like smog in the air,” says Beverly author Daniel Tatum in his book Why Do All Black Children Sit Together in the Cafeteria? These are cultural images and messages that “confirm the perceived superiority of whites and the perceived inferiority of people of color.” Like smog, stereotypical messages aren’t always obvious, but we all breathe them in.
I believe that parents from all backgrounds share the same concerns when trying to solve problems such as what happened in Ferguson and other controversial and racially charged current events. How do you explain that race plays a big role in how everyday events unfold when we all claim to be color blind? What should we say if we find out that our child has used racial abuse or experienced racial bias? (Children ages three to five may exhibit racially biased behavior even if their parents or other adults do not mention or support racial beliefs. They pick up social cues around them.) How we can raise compassionate and confident children. ?
Therefore, I turned to several experts in parenting and psychology to tell them how to conduct such difficult conversations and teach children “tolerance”, because the earlier we start the conversation and the more attentively we participate in it, the more chances our children have ( and in the future generation) will have to come closer to this ideal of justice and equality.
When to talk to kids about race
Parents sometimes avoid discussing race because they think young children don’t even see race or understand racism, but the critical time to start a conversation is between the ages of five and eight, Civilrights.org reports:
Between the ages of five and eight, children are old enough to start thinking about social issues and young enough to be flexible in their beliefs. By the fourth grade, the racial attitudes of children become more rigid. Our leadership is especially important during these sensitive, turbulent times.
Most likely, at this early age, these items will unquestioningly open up to your children due to their natural curiosity. You may be upset if your young child makes a rude comment that someone else is different, but instead of keeping them quiet, use these opportunities to reinforce the lesson that different is okay and good. Mommy Masters blogger and writer Ellie Hirsch says:
It can be embarrassing, but if you have the right tools, you can turn a strange situation into a wonderful lesson. Don’t scold your child for curiosity.
Example: When my son was younger, there was an Asian girl by the pool and he told me quite loudly, “Funny eyes Mommy.” I was upset, but I knew this was an opportunity to teach him something very important. I quickly replied, “Yes, doesn’t she have beautiful eyes? She’s such a pretty girl. ” When we got home, I looked at the situation in more detail, letting him know that if someone looks different than you, we will not laugh at them or express our opinion out loud in front of them. Questions are great and this is how we learn, but Mom prefers us to discuss them in private because we don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. ” This also happened to me with a man who was overweight, bald and elderly. Children are curious! – this is a lot of opportunities to teach your child tolerance, and the idea that everyone is different and different is normal. Parents should use these moments and educate their child instead of laughing or punishing their child.
Unless the topic comes naturally, books will always come to the rescue (here is a list of picture books on races for children up to 5th grade, created by the Institute for Humane Education).
Martin Luther King Day, African American History Month, and other events are also good times to get up to speed. You could discuss what the children learned in school, what they thought and felt in these subjects, and continue the conversation. Even if racial issues are taught in schools, it is important that you parents talk about them with your children through adolescence , says clinical psychologist and writer Dr. John Mayer . By taking initiative, you become “keepers of facts” (and proofreaders of misinformation or generalizations) that they can hear in school and in the media.
It’s an ongoing process, and talking to teens and teens is also important, especially given current events, which close the door on a topic that many families don’t talk about meaningfully. Young people are capable of understanding more complex answers and discussing social context and history, and will hopefully continue to turn to you for advice.
How to Solve Difficult Issues About Race and Promote Inclusion
In addition to getting started early and using lessons learned in school, here are some tactics you can use during your discussion.
Always put your child first . “It’s always important for parents to first understand how their child understands what’s going on,” says Dr. Joseph Schrand , psychiatrist and medical director for CASTLE in Brockton, Massachusetts. “It gives parents guidance on where to start,” especially with regard to conflicting current events.
Try to figure out what prompted your kids to comment or ask questions about race (such as school incidents or something they read). Then perhaps continue the discussion with questions such as “How do you feel about this?” and “Why do you think so?” It is also helpful if your child says something insensitive or if your child experiences racial bias. Before responding to a statement, find out where it came from and what it means to them from their perspective.
Remember also your child’s readiness for development. Educator Madeleine Rogin writes on PBS that kindergarten students don’t need to know about Dr. King’s murder (and it might scare or distract them), but you can highlight themes of peaceful change and justice in your stories. At the same time, Rogin says, it’s impossible to teach historical figures like Dr. King without “not telling the terrible truth about racism.”
Some of the skills that children of all ages must develop include taking stock of the media (to counter these subliminal messages), recognizing stereotypes, and understanding why racism matters at an individual, societal and institutional level. The National Association of Independent Schools article, ” What White Children Should Know About Race,” explains these skills.
Use straightforward, factual and honest answers. Try to answer with an open mind and stick to the facts, especially if you are talking to young children who may not understand more complex answers. But also be specific and don’t interrupt the conversation, this University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee guide points out :
[D] Do not encourage children to believe that negative racial talk or discriminatory behavior is only the behavior of “sick” people, or that it indicates a specific character flaw or simply “bad” behavior. Talking about how the social world we live in is often unfair to people of color simply because they are colored, and that persistent racial-ethnic inequality is unfair and morally wrong. Make it clear that racial prejudice and discrimination is part of a larger society that needs reform, not just something that individuals do.
Speaking about Martin Luther King Day, my daughter expressed disbelief that blacks are forced to sit in the back of the bus. We agreed and explained that it was the law then, because the people in power, many of whom did not consider people other than them equal, made the laws – until Dr. King and others (black and white) challenged these assumptions. And to sow the seeds for further conversation: even though there are no discriminatory laws like this right now, we still have social segregation and mistrust.
Develop a sense of cultural pride. It is a good idea for parents of children of all stripes to celebrate the differences and benefits of your culture. One study shows that “teaching children, especially blacks, to be proud of their culture is integral to their success.” Another study found that teaching diversity values (rather than color blindness) to children ages 8-11 is more likely to reveal racial bias.
More important than A Conversation about the various rules in society for blacks, Dame Fuller-Roberts taught her son that these rules do not reflect his personality and that he has learned not to internalize prejudices:
I also cannot let my son believe in the stereotypes of black courage that still persist. So, my son knows his own worth and his worth. He knows he deserves respect. He made a conscious choice not to live in constant fear. He takes pride in melanin in his skin, dreadlocked hair and the rich and beautiful heritage that they represent. The problem is not how he looks, how he wears his pants, or what kind of music he likes. He understands that the problem is insidious, it is woven into the fabric of our country and lies right on the shoulders of those racists who allow it to persist.
Vanessa Copps , teacher, parenting blogger and mother of mixed boys, says she focuses on teaching her children the benefits of being interracial:
Racial conversation has been constant since the birth of my eldest son. From being stopped at a grocery store and asked, “Is he yours?” I’ve heard a lot over the past 6 years.
My explanation [when the kids ask about their racial differences] is simple: Mom and Dad fell in love, and when two people fall in love, they get married and hide that love, you and your brother are here. Mom is Hispanic and Dad is American. How great is it that you can experience different cultures, languages, food and more? He loves it!
And to people who make these insanely rude comments, she just laughs at their ignorance and responds with humor and kindness. “It’s not about them,” Copps says, “but what we’re giving our kids.”
Do not tolerate racist comments from other family members about your children. Laughing at strangers at the grocery store is one thing, but if you have relatives or friends who are quick to voice racist jokes or opinions, make it clear that you disagree with them. Dr. Shrand says:
Explain to your child that Uncle Timmy is the kind of person you don’t share. All people are valuable and worthy of respect. Loving something and respecting are two different things.
This is probably the most important topic to continue to lead home: regardless of our differences, we are all part of the same race (human) and we should be treated equally with respect and kindness. (I know this sounds overly simplistic, but let me then suggest watching American History X – with your kids, if they’re old enough. This movie made me realize how short comments at the dinner table can generate so much anger, hatred and violence. )
Be a role model. Finally, if you want others to believe in what you preach, you must exhibit that behavior as well. Your everyday comments and actions will say more than anything else. You can test your own hidden biases, for example, with the Harvard Project’s online test .
Diverse friends help, as does traveling with children to other countries, which, according to our own Heather Yamada-Hosley, can help them “fully understand that there is diversity in the world that may not be represented in the community in which you live. … “
Whatever you do, keep those conversations going, no matter how awkward and uncomfortable they are. Because with or without you, your children are probably already thinking and shaping their views of race, and those views, in turn, will influence them and everyone around them.
Photos by Laureline Medina (Shutterstock), Cindy Hughes (Shutterstock), jamieskinner00 , woodleywonderworks , jacquesy_m