A Guide for Shy People to Be Heard in a Group Conversation
Some people have the gift of chatty and know exactly how to conduct a conversation in a group setting, but some of us feel ignored . Here are some tips to help you get involved and be part of a group conversation.
Accept the reality of group conversations
If you feel like you’re struggling to be heard, chances are good that a lot of it is coming from your own mind. You might think it’s important to you to look smart or funny, but group conversation is a mess in most social situations. Chris Macleod, founder of the Succeed Socially website, invites you to see a group conversation for what it really is :
I think that sometimes people are bothered in chaotic, noisy group conversations that they feel like they might be someone else, but they are not. They could be more polite and organized, but they are not. They could be more intelligent and inspiring, but they are not. They could be quiet and easy to follow, but they are not. Other people might have let you say a word head-on, but they didn’t.
You don’t need to belittle yourself because people were talking about you or someone didn’t understand your joke. Group conversations, Macleod explains, are “a whirlwind of noise and chaos.” You probably won’t have any deep philosophical debate, and everyone involved will probably have very little memory of how it all happened. Remember, people think a lot less of you than you think. Everyone is interrupting each other, people are talking at the same time, and the topic will constantly change. Change your point of view on all challenges, and it will be easier for you to tell a clever anecdote. It’s a pool full of splashing kids having a good time, so take off the floats and dive in.
Consider your situation and get down to business
If you are ready to dive, consider where you want to camp. You want to give yourself as many advantages as possible, so don’t stay on the fringes of the conversation. Jenny B. Baker of the Goodwill Blog suggests that your position demonstrates just how big a role you will play :
It is easier to stay out of the conversation if you are sitting at the end of the table. Positioning near the center not only puts you in the middle of the flow of the conversation, it subconsciously reinforces your central position on the topic under discussion.
Sit close to the center, jump into a circle and, if possible, face most of the group. If you look like you’re not part of the conversation, then you won’t.
Test your body language and be a good listener
Body language is the most important factor in any social situation . Look in the mirror and see how you look when you sit and stand comfortably. Do you look like you want to chat? If not, practice a more open body language style. If you don’t show that you have something to say, people may never understand it.
Avoid crossing your arms, constantly looking down, fidgeting, and looking around for no particular reason. Leah MacLeod of Muse recommends practicing a “neutral listening posture” to keep you open-minded and ready to talk:
I was once taught to listen without making any facial expressions, including a nod or a smile. I’m not talking about a blank, hazy look; I’m talking about a neutral facial expression that simply says, “I’m listening.” Often when you listen to someone, there is a natural tendency to physically react to what they say instead of just letting it be aware.
Maintain eye contact and nod from time to time to show that you are really listening. Now comes the tricky part: really listen . Try not to pass out and start forming your own response while someone is talking, especially if it is obvious that they are including you in the conversation.
Choose tactics: speak loudly or speak softly
Different tactics may be required depending on the conversation and the people involved. Typically, a large group conversation at a party or other social event will be loud and noisy. In this case, if you speak too softly, you will end up talking to yourself. Dig deep, use your diaphragm, and project the words so you know everyone is hearing you. It is possible that people are speaking because of you because they cannot hear you or feel that you are not passionate enough about what you are trying to say, so they interfere. Speak loudly and speak with pride.
However, not every group conversation involves having a drink in hand. Group conversations at work, in quiet places, or in a professional meeting may require a different approach. Edward from My Super Charged Life invites you to be quieter, not louder, to get attention:
… that the problem isn’t that people can’t hear you. The point is, you are not transferring power and therefore not holding their attention. The trick is to speak in a deep, low voice that has a certain resonance, and to do so without reflecting nervousness. It tells other people that you are confident in the value of your words and that you expect them to listen to you.
Lower the tone and volume of your voice and use fitness to show that you have something to hear. The key is that you speak with authority so that your volume is not that important.
Interrupt politely and don’t let yourself be distracted.
Yes, you have to be a good listener, but group conversation is war. You need to know when to be polite, but you also need to know when to strike. Sometimes the only way to show interest is to interrupt. Unfortunately, each group is different, so knowing when you can interrupt is different. The only way to know for sure is to take a chance and practice. If you do your best to be polite, you can find the right time and eventually become an expert at interrupting. Keep things light, apologize, and use humor to disarm them if you can. If you already have a friend in conversation, intervene when he is talking, or use him as a way to open the door .
You won’t be the only one trying to interrupt you, so don’t be discouraged. When others try to interrupt you, choose your battles. If you feel like you are saying something important or really want to get to the fun part of the story, say that you want to end your thought. You don’t need to be a dummy, so find a way to say what you want to say, if it’s within reason. Be polite but firm. Smile and remember, joy and gratitude go a long way.