How to Support Your Loved One Through a Major Life Change
It is never easy to go through major life changes alone. So, when someone close to you is facing big changes, you want to help them as best you can. Here’s how you can offer them support during a major life change.
Create a safe emotional space
To fully support your loved one during this change, they need to feel that their relationship with you is a safe emotional space.
This means that you must show this sensitivity and respect both in your conversation with your loved one and in your actions. You will need to be very self-aware in order to create a safe emotional space. Pay attention to what you say and the tone in which you say it. If your loved one feels emotionally threatened or insecure (even on a subconscious level), they may interrupt their transparent communication with you, making it extremely difficult to support them. You should also try to reassure them that your relationship is still strong, despite any changes they are about to make or are already making.
Let them say it
It is often helpful for people to just talk about a problem, even if that doesn’t lead to a solution. Let your loved one tell you what he plans to do, how he wants his life to change as a result of this decision, or even just express your feelings. Remember, offering support is not the same as giving advice. Just listen to what they have to say, without trying to incorporate your advice or opinion into the conversation. It will be later.
For example, when my father was about to retire, I talked to him a lot about what he wants to do in retirement. He had a list of 5-6 ways that he would like to spend most of his time, and as we talked more, he narrowed down the list. The support I offered in this case was pretty minimal, but I think it helped him just talk about his plan so he could focus more on the changes he wanted to make.
Explore their options
If your loved one has doubts about his choice (or some kind of solution was imposed on him), help him understand what options he has in order to calm him down. There is a big difference between thinking, “Oh, I probably have enough money saved to quit my job and find one that I really like,” and knowing exactly how much you need to survive X months, and what your options for working in a new industry. By exploring the answers to questions like these, you are providing vital support.
If they didn’t voice any concerns about their options and how their lifestyle might change, you might want to. You can think about obstacles they might face or circumstances they should be prepared for that they might have missed. Don’t disprove their idea right away if you can. Sometimes a little push for realism can help them understand the flaws in their plan.
Work with them to make a plan.
Put together a plan of action so they know what to do next. Make a plan that starts where they are now and is at least 2-3 months in the future. You may not be able to go beyond that depending on the situation. Schedule a verification date for this 2-3 months so you can extend or adjust the action plan based on their progress.
This plan can also include things like scheduling their time, money, and other resources to support the changes they are making. If you can, you need to be sure that they will be financially safe during and after this period of change. The more you can imitate this life change before it actually happens, the more prepared they will be.
Hold them accountable
Depending on the major life change, they may need an accountability partner. When you feel it’s appropriate, nudge your loved one to follow the plan you’ve come up with. Changing is difficult and may require extrinsic motivation to keep going.
A word of caution: only hold them accountable as much as they want. You provide support, but that doesn’t mean you should be held accountable for their success or failure.
Be flexible
When your loved one follows their decision, they may find that this is not what they thought. Be prepared to change your expectations and support methods to suit their new journey.
Don’t take their decision personally. A shift like this can make you frustrated with the effort you put into achieving their original goal. Big life changes will cause stress, fatigue, and emotional upheaval. If your loved one attacks you, keep your head straight. Try to find the root of the problem and help them solve it.
Help them see the silver lining if they fail
Sometimes it doesn’t work. If your loved one is unable to adjust to the major changes in their life, you can show them that it wasn’t a waste. Focus on what really worked, even if the plan failed altogether. You can point to new skills or knowledge they have acquired. You can also indicate how they have improved their professional or social media. Mention how both can help them in the future so they can focus on moving forward.
You should also remind them why they wanted to make the change at all. At least now they know how it happened, instead of always thinking: “I wish I …”. You can also suggest other ways that they can work towards their original goal. For example, if they wanted to go to graduate school, but didn’t get anywhere. You can invite them to take one-to-one courses to improve their knowledge and skills.
Take time for self-service
Offering support to another person, especially if it is mostly emotional in nature, can lead to huge losses. Make sure you have the time and energy to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you are not in your best shape, you will not be able to provide the best possible support to your loved one.
Not everyone needs the same level of support, so you can customize this process according to how much your loved one needs from you. By following this process, you will provide much-needed support to those you care about.