Don’t Compliment Children by Insulting Yourself
By now, we know that when we praise children, we should focus less on natural ability or intelligence and more on effort. For example: “You worked so hard on this homework!” versus “You’re so smart!” But adults have another way of complimenting children that we must do away with – insulting our own abilities by comparing them to ours.
On Reddit, user u / Luke_7 explains :
I work in a school and often hear adults say something like, “Wow, you’re such a good artist! I can’t even come close to that “or” You are so good at math that I can never do the multiplication table so quickly. ” Using language like this teaches children (or anyone else) that: 1. Any talent is competitive – how good you are at something is determined by how much better you are than others, and 2. That their success makes others feel bad about themselves , and, accordingly, they should be bad about other people’s successes.
I’m probably to blame for this because, well, I don’t know how to draw as well as my son, and he intuitively understands math in a way I never did . But their success is not success due to someone else’s failure; it is because of their efforts. Instead, u / Luke_7 offers this improved script:
Model positive, effort-based comments, such as “Wow, you’re so good at art! I hope I can someday be as good as I can if I keep practicing! “Or incomparable positive statements such as:” Wow, you’re so good at art! It’s so much fun to use your imagination to create something new. “
This also applies to adults. I can tell you how beautiful your home is, not to mention which mine is in dire straits right now. Surrendering ourselves to uplift others can have unintended consequences – everyone will get a little worse.