How to Set Digital Boundaries With Friends and Family
Boundaries are how we communicate our expectations of a relationship, letting others know what behavior we feel is acceptable or not. We do this all the time in small ways, such as asking our partner not to yell during an argument, or even just saying, “I would rather not tell a friend about this.” But setting those boundaries on the Internet can sometimes be tricky.
In November, feminist wellness educator Melissa Fabello tweeted a screenshot of a friend asking if she was ready for a serious conversation. Shortly thereafter, she shared her response that she was “running at full capacity,” and suggested that others use it as a template for soft explanations when they just don’t have the bandwidth to talk.
A little over a week later, a user named Yana shared a similar post with an image of text they sent to a friend asking, “Are you in the right place to receive information that could harm you?”
The general consensus (as far as possible on Twitter) was that the responses to both tweets were that they were funny, dramatic, or even offensive. Many of the replies focused on the idea of using a pattern, calling it “creepy” or “robotic” in this way to talk to a friend. But as someone with nearly a decade of therapy experience, I learned something else in these tweets: trying to set healthy boundaries.
For those who experience anxiety, depression, burnout, stress and other types of physical and mental disorders that can sometimes be overwhelming, as well as those who have had people in their life who regularly violate boundaries – these kinds of rules and water. testing can be vital.
One of the main complaints on Twitter about the proposed boundary-setting templates was that they prevented people from having difficult conversations. But experts say boundaries are important to any relationship, in part because they help create a better environment for just this kind of conversation. The trick is to find a healthy balance between respecting the limitations of others and communicating your own without sacrificing intimacy.
How boundaries work and why they matter
The concept of boundaries may never come up explicitly to you, in which case you are probably already communicating when you are available and what for. But people have different needs in this regard, and our increasingly digital world is not suited to such diversity.
“Many of us now have devices strapped to our wrists that alert us of new calls, emails and text messages every moment we’re awake,” said Katie Lear, a licensed professional consultant. “It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling obligated to reply to messages 24 hours a day.”
Erica Wiles, another licensed professional consultant, says the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are. She recommends thinking clearly about how much personal information you want to share and receive on social media or with individual friends, how emotionally you want / can be involved, and with how many people. Find out if you’re comfortable sharing advice or if you’re crying more, she says, and find a way to let your friends know about it.
Lear advises people who feel overwhelmed to set hard time limits on their ability to respond.
“At least if you need to write an email at 10:00 pm, schedule the dispatch the next day so that you don’t accidentally report that you are always available late at night,” she suggested.
The same can be said for a personal text message. On particularly troubling nights, I have been known to make a note to reply to a friend’s message in the morning, so as not to forget. I also use a Gmail plugin called Inbox When Ready, which tells people that my inbox is hidden unless I actively check my mail, so it can take more than a few minutes to reply. Recently, when I emailed a friend to ask for a favor, she responded by asking if I could write to her about the request on a specific day when she would have more bandwidth and I was happy to accommodate – the border benefited both of us …
How to rein in your availability
Obviously, part of a relationship is about being available to the people you love and hoping that they will do the same in return. But 24/7 availability is detrimental to most relationships, which is why experts recommend setting some clear boundaries once you define your own limitations.
Maybe it looks like one of those Twitter templates, or maybe it looks completely different. But either option is probably better than the alternative – being too burned to seem like a friend.
“Before, if the landline phone rang and it was inconvenient, we would not pick up the phone. It’s simple, said psychotherapist and sociologist Catherine McAlise. “You can still do it … Choose when you are available and respect your right to make that choice.”
One mistake many people make is that they ignore their feelings of frustration when someone uses them, Wiles said.
“Recognize these emotions; don’t ignore or score them, ”she said. “You will be drained and burned out. To be able to [determine] when enough is enough and to restore your boundaries by communicating them to your friends. “
Sometimes the problem isn’t just one friend or one topic – it’s the constant onslaught of emotional expression (and expectation) from social media. The easiest way to fix this is to just turn it off, but as Lear pointed out, we often feel obligated to respond when someone writes, emails, tweets, or otherwise tries to get our attention. Other options include mute (when a friend or family member shares a lot of things that upset you, but you don’t want to block or unsubscribe completely), coaching (unsubscribing or blocking people whose messages and messages make you upset and with whom you do not think that talking about it will be productive), and, again, set accessibility boundaries (that is, check social media accounts only at certain times of the day).
Cross-border solution
Crossing the border can look different: discussing a topic that was considered forbidden, ignoring requests not to write the text at a certain time, or relying on a friend or acquaintance to constantly express your opinion. Sometimes it’s enough to tell the other person that you’re uncomfortable, but the situation and comfort level can vary from relationship to relationship. In some cases, border crossing can lead to unhealthy imbalances.
“When conversations with a friend turn from a two-way exchange of utterances to one friend who needs to be shared all the time, it’s a sign that you may be switching to ‘therapist mode,’” Lear said. “It may be helpful to gently redirect such a conversation by tweaking the scales.”
Again, you want to be close to your friends. But if you feel that someone is taking advantage of your empathy and availability, or that they may seriously need a professional, it can be helpful to try to shift the conversation towards shared experience or interest or a direct solution to the problem. , depending on your relationship. Ultimately, Lear says, it helps both sides by reducing burnout and resentment.
Sometimes extreme situations call for extreme measures. Makalis suggests that when someone crosses borders and does not receive a message, “turn off your phone, redirect it to someone else who can better help them or set boundaries and, most importantly, stick to them.”
In the end, we can only be responsible for ourselves. We cannot expect other people to know what our limits are unless we tell them, and we cannot be expected to fully take on the trauma or emotional struggles of others. But if we are better equipped to express our needs and capabilities, and what we can offer our friends, we will not need a template.