Work With Your Partner to Create a to-Do List That Requires Emotional Work.
Biz Ellis, on the One Bad Mother podcast, calls him “the president of everything .” In a family with two parents, very often one partner takes responsibility for all the small invisible tasks that can tire you in your daily life.
If you are the partner who bears the main “mental burden” of the family, you know that it is not only a matter of who prepares dinner and who cleans up. He’s the one who will plan meals, check what ingredients are needed, make a grocery list, bring the multicooker from the basement – and then realize that one ingredient is not enough, so now you need to search Google which substitute might work. Oh, and how can you change it a bit so your kids can eat it too?
All of these steps are not necessarily something you would normally write down on your to-do list or take the trouble to take the time to ask your partner to do for you (because by the time I ask you to check if we have enough chicken broth and explain how much we need and for what, I could do it myself). But these invisible tasks accumulate over time and can lead to the fact that one partner – often a woman in a heterosexual couple, but not always – feels overwhelmed.
Britney de la Cretaz writes for the New York Times that we really need to write these things down:
Like a to-do list, this to-do list can divide the most controversial emotional work among partners into clearly defined roles. Maybe one partner unloads the dishwasher, oversees homework and writes thank you notes while the other pays the bills, takes care of bedtime, and reminds the kids to call their grandparents.
Buying all the gifts for family and friends is just as important and time-consuming as being the one who washes everything. Buying gifts is not really a chore around the house, and yet it takes time and effort – you have to keep track of what the recipient mentioned, what he likes, or wants or needs, you need to look for ideas, read reviews, buy it, package it, get a card, etc.
And when, on top of that, your partner also expects you to delegate authority (ie, act as the home project manager), it doesn’t help at all. Delegation is another thing you need to do.
But just telling your partner that you need help with emotional labor is not enough. You need to be specific in assessing the mental workload that everyone is carrying, writing down all the current invisible tasks that you are doing, and redistributing work between you. Here’s a basic list to get you started:
- Meal planning. Who will plan meals, make a grocery list, go to the store, prepare meals, and clean up after meals? Who will prepare the school meals?
- Animal care. Aside from the obvious chore of “feeding the dog,” who will schedule regular check-ups and reservations for grooming or boarding? Who will make sure Fido gets his monthly heartworm medication and doesn’t run out of food?
- Family medical appointments. Who will conduct the annual medical, dental and ophthalmic visits for children? Who will notify the school of early appointments on appointment days, or make sure you don’t run out of needed medications?
- Presents. Who is keeping an eye on upcoming birthdays, holidays and special events with family and friends, and actively shopping, purchasing and packaging any related gifts?
- Homework. Someone should be available to help with this when the kids get stuck, or at least check that it’s done.
- Cool communication. Often, this parent is also the “homework parent,” and is the primary tracker for all school and class activities or announcements: Scholastic Book order forms, Spiritual Week topics, and the class’s Valentine’s Day snack list. party, changing the date of rain for the picnic at the end of the school year. This person knows Tuesday is gym day, so kids should be wearing sneakers. He is probably also the main person for any discipline conversation.
- Extracurricular activities. Who will oversee all ballet classes and math club meetings? Who’s going to figure out how to invite this kid to a soccer game and this one to the Girl Scouts (with snacks, drinks and any suitable uniform or gear ready to go)?
- Home service. Who is responsible for scheduling regular home maintenance tasks that go beyond the usual weekly housework? These include things like cleaning vents, shampooing carpets, cleaning seasonal debris from gutters, or calling an electrician to find out why the damn doorbell isn’t working. (Apparently no one in my house is responsible for this last one, judging from the past two years.)
- Car maintenance. Who plans to change the oil, replace the wiper blades before they wear out, check the tire pressures, vacuum the floorboards and run cars through the car wash every now and then?
- Finance. Who pays the bills, makes sure the checking account is not overdrawn, schedules Roth IRA contributions, and calculates whether your kids will ever have enough money in their 529 accounts to pay for four years of college?
- Travel. Who is responsible for planning travel (large or small), booking hotel rooms, purchasing tickets, notifying children’s schools when they are out, packing suitcases, keeping enough entertainment and snacks in children’s backpacks, and ensuring that you have any travel passes documents or confirmation emails you might need?
Once you start seeing the larger themes in the form, it becomes quite easy and natural to break them apart. One person may be in charge of all day-to-day school supplies, while the other is in charge of pets and medical appointments. You take home service, I’ll take care of the cars. Assuming you’re both ready and able to share it – and stay on top – this should reduce how depressed one partner is and how annoyed the other is.
One final note, this mostly applies to families with two parents, but I see you there, single parents, and I know that you carry the whole burden all the time . While you cannot afford to balance the situation with a partner, I still suggest writing down all the “invisible” tasks that you manage during the day / week / month to see if outsourcing or automation can be used. make it so that you don’t have to think about everything every day.
And even if nothing can be outsourced or automated, you have a chance to celebrate how much you manage and give yourself credit for the ridiculously long list of things you do yourself.