How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy

Handling the death of a loved one is never easy. Even if they were terminally ill and you knew they would die within a certain period of time, nothing can truly prepare you to deal with real loss. And sometimes we not only have to process death – we may also have to publicly talk about a person in front of a group of people who are also in mourning .

Yes, asking to say and / or write a eulogy can be a great honor, but it can also be very stressful. Sure, you want to pay due respect to the deceased, but you are also likely grieving yourself and may not want to deal with the pressure of speaking at someone’s funeral or memorial events. So where do you start? Here’s a step-by-step guide to writing and delivering a eulogy.

What do people expect from a panegyric?

Before you even begin the writing process, it can be helpful to think about what people expect from a eulogy. According to Funeral Wise , a website with expert information on virtually everything related to death and funeral, the eulogy should serve three purposes: pay tribute to the dead, acknowledge the importance of their unique lives, and capture some of the associated memories. Human.

Likewise Diana Raab, Ph.D. , a writer and speaker with a PhD in psychology, tells Lifehacker that those who listen to the eulogy want to gain insight into the person and the life they have lived. Having said that, there is no right or wrong way to write a eulogy. “The most important thing about writing one is that it has to be written from the bottom of your heart,” she explains. “It should sound like the writer really knew and appreciated this person.”

Be careful with yourself

It is very important to acknowledge and accept the fact that you are probably grieving at the exact time when you should write – and then pronounce – the eulogy. The loss of information processing can affect your brain and cognitive function , including a loss of focus on daily tasks or work – not to mention writing a eulogy. Keep this in mind as you start preparing your presentation. If you find it difficult to concentrate, or even know where to start, know that this is completely normal. The guys at Funeral Wise recommend stopping for a moment and taking a breath if you feel yourself getting emotional, giving yourself a chance to deal with those feelings.

When you write a eulogy, you may feel that there is pressure to fully reflect and honor the person’s life, and that you don’t want to let other people down. Remember that when you give your eulogy, you will have an incredibly supportive audience and they will understand that it was not easy for you.

Before you start writing

Looking at a blank page, trying to fill it with words to comfort people in their difficult times, can be difficult, so prepare ahead of time. Remember that even if you are writing and giving a eulogy, there are probably many other people who have memories and thoughts of this person. Don’t be afraid to use them in your search for ideas and anecdotes, as well as ask any questions you have, suggests Funeral Wise . Once you’ve done that, make a list of some of the things that you might want to talk about in a eulogy, drawing not only from your own thoughts, but from other people as well.

If you’re not entirely sure what to enable, try the HAM method. According to Funeral Wise, this can be a rewarding way to touch on the highlights of someone’s life in a few short minutes. HAM stands for Highlights, Attributes and Memories :

• Highlights : What were the main achievements and significant events of this person in life?
• Attributes : What was this person like?
• Memories : Are there any special moments that provide insight and emotion?

In some cases, especially if the person is sick and knows they are dying, they may start organizing their own funerals, or at least make certain requests, such as who will deliver the eulogy. This was before my mother died of cancer. She not only told me that she wanted me to give her a eulogy, but she also said that she wanted it to be funny. “People will be very, very sad at my funeral,” she told me with a completely calm face. “I want you to stand up and say funny things about me to make people laugh.” Of course, this is not always so easy, but any hints or hints that a person gives while he is still alive can be incredibly useful in preparing his eulogy.

When you have ideas, see how you can connect some of these memories, stories and backstories of the person with a unifying theme, taking into account the personality of the deceased. According to Funeral Wise, potential eulogy topics may become apparent as you start preparing your talk, and it is possible that several topics will emerge:

For example, you might start by thinking about some serious hobbies that were important to the person you praise, and then work on some humorous stories. Or you can start a eulogy by asking a question or by telling one specific story that you think summarizes the life of the person you are writing about. The main theme will tie your eulogy together.

Now that you have ideas and a topic, combine your thoughts into some kind of plan. Sketch out what you want to talk about and in what order create a baseline to fill in the rest of the details.

Writing a eulogy

Even if you are an experienced public speaker, it is helpful to write down all – or at least most – of your eulogy before you give it. There will be a lot going on right now, and it’s best to write down what might otherwise seem obvious before you start.

For example, Raab recommends opening by introducing yourself and how you got to know the deceased. Most likely, you will not recognize everyone present that day, and this will help everyone find you and know where you are from, at least in terms of your relationship with this person. In the same spirit, she suggests expressing regret to those closest to you.

Now that you complete your outline and choose the stories to share, try to remember as many details as possible about them. “The more specific the better,” says Raab. So instead of just saying that the dead love to help people, for example, mention a specific time and place when they did it to help paint a brighter picture of their lives.

“And while you know exactly what you’re going to share, keep track of your tone and how you share it,” says Raab. As she notes, “now is not the time for revenge” – make sure you speak positively about the person. Raab also recommends ending the eulogy with words of wisdom from the deceased. It will help tie everything together and leave the audience with fond memories and something to take away from a tough day.

Eulogia logistics

When you have a complete draft of the eulogy, review and edit it. Start by reading aloud: this will give you a good idea of ​​which sounds are repetitive and can be repeated, and which areas you may need to flesh out a bit. It will also help you determine if any parts sound awkward or awkward before you actually have to speak those words in public. If you feel comfortable, ask someone for their opinion on the revised version to see if there are other places you can fix or improve.

If you are one of the many who speaks at funerals or memorials, Raab advises thinking about the other speakers and trying to offer a different perspective. Of course, all services are different, but if the eulogy is delivered by more than one person, Raab recommends that they last three to six minutes. However, if you are the only one who speaks, you can increase the time to 10-15 minutes, although in no case should you feel compelled to do so. In terms of word count, it really depends on how fast you speak, but a 10 minute speech is usually around 1300 words. If you are not sure how long this should be, check with the person who organizes or leads the ministry – they should be able to provide some guidance.

Utter a eulogy

As with any other speech or presentation, you’ll want to practice giving your eulogy speech before the actual event. Raab suggests reading this to himself in front of a mirror. The more eulogy you give before the service, the better prepared you will be for that moment.

Of course, there is no rule that the person who writes the eulogy must also pronounce it. If you’ve written a eulogy but don’t feel like you can say it yourself, it’s okay to ask someone to read it on your behalf. In fact, Funeral Wise suggests having a backup even if you fully intend to utter the eulogy yourself. While you may not need this person to interfere, just knowing that the possibility exists can be comforting.

Once you are in front of the group giving the eulogy, remember to speak slowly and clearly. Give people time to react to any funny moments or regroup after a particularly emotional moment. Try to relax as much as possible while pronouncing the eulogy. If you have the opportunity to inspect the podium or microphone ahead of time, do so. This will give you an idea of ​​what to expect and work out any quirks like having to tune your microphone or figuring out where to put your hands or a bottle of water.

If you are concerned about being overly emotional at the top, Funeral Wise recommends avoiding eye contact with people in the congregation:

There will be guests who will emotionally react to part of your message or just to the funeral. Emotions are contagious. Instead of looking your guests in the eye, try to look directly above the audience or simply at the audience in general.

But if you lose your composure, that’s okay too. And no matter how nervous you are, know that the audience is on your side. Like you, they grieve, and no one expects flawless speech that is equally touching and entertaining. If that’s what you end up giving away, great. But if you get distracted, miss something, or do something else that might seem like a mistake, be aware that those present will probably not notice, and if they do, they know that you are going through a lot. By standing in front of your friends, family, and possibly a group of people you don’t know, you give everyone the opportunity to reflect on the life of the person who means something to everyone in the room.