What to Do If Your Teenager Hates You
You knew that sooner or later this would happen, and now, all of a sudden, your child is a teenager and everything about you annoys or confuses you – the shirt you wear, your walk, the questions you ask, the gifts you buy, the pace where you spread cream cheese on a bagel. The child hates being around you. Yes, this child. That same cute kid who once jumped into your arms when you picked him up from preschool, the one you called your shadow because he never left you. What happened?
Adolescence has come, and no matter how unpleasant and painful for you as a parent, the fact that your child is “allergic” to you is healthy. It’s true . Asher Brauner, a Santa Cruz, California-based family therapist who has worked with teens for many years, tells me that teens have an “inner mandate to individualize,” or, as Kelly Clarkson would say, a breakaway . This is, of course, a tremendous feat. The child has relied on you for so many years (for heaven’s sake, you wiped his buttocks and peeled the grapes). When they suddenly try to assert their independence, things inevitably become chaotic.
Browner’s advice to parents: Don’t make the situation worse.
In his practice, he saw how parents aggravated the situation. “We know how this can be,” he says. “The child screams a little. The parent screams a lot. The child says, “I don’t like this.” The parent says, “Well, you’re grounded.” And then the child says: “Fuck you.” Where are we now? “
He adds that teenagers are “not thrown out of space.” They are still on their own – just more emotional, dramatic, and sometimes very moody versions of themselves. “They are human,” he says. “They want respect and need to be heard. They are no different from you, me or anyone else in that they want to be understood. “
He shared some of the ways parents can support their teen during this difficult period and come out alive on the other side.
Begin the path long before they become teenagers
Brauner believes that parents who start teaching fundamentals like “Don’t be rude” when their child is a teenager have already lost half the battle. According to him, this work should begin much earlier. You should lay the foundation around the age of three and strengthen it often. “Young people go through a serious struggle to determine their strength in half: when they are very young and when they are teenagers,” he says. “When they’re small, it’s a good idea to make it clear that you mean what you say and you say what you mean with love and firmness to build trust.” If you do this, he says, as the kids grow up, they will have a basic understanding of your expectations.
He gives an example: “You can say:“ You cannot drink alcohol. I’m not angry at you. I am not upset by the possibility that you would think of such an action, but it is simply not good. ” When you say “out of order” to a 14 year old, and you say it for 10 years and they are used to it, they may get a little annoyed, but at this point they assume, “My parents mean me well.”
Don’t take it personally
Parents are often more of a problem than their teens, Browner said. They overreact when their teens get annoyed or roll their eyes. They take it personally , thinking that I did not raise you to do such things . “Parents who take every minor provocation personally signal to their teens that they are so strong that their every move could ruin their parents’ day,” says Brauner. “This is a stupid message.” When the world of adolescents becomes uncertain, they seek safety by testing their parents. When they lash out, they implicitly ask you, “Can I still trust you to be strong?” The way to say yes, says Browner, is to not let them piss you off.
And yes, it is difficult . Browner says you must collect all the tools you’ve ever used to calm yourself down during a fight or flight. Correct any inappropriate behavior (you can tell them, “You can get upset, but you cannot speak rudely”) and follow the rules you set. But don’t get carried away if you are boiling yourself. Tell your child you need a minute. Go take a walk. Spray your face with water. Make yourself some tea. “Your inner monologue should be like, ‘I’ll be calm because it looks like my child can’t do this right now,” says Brauner.
Increase your support system
It is far from perfect, but has evolved into a kind of built-in tribe for parents of babies and young children. If you are looking for it (and even if not), everyone is ready to give you advice. Whether you are wondering how to help calm a teething infant or help a toddler with nightmares, there is unlimited support.
However, when your children become teenagers, the tribe “kind of disperses,” says Brauner. You must strengthen your support system at unique, isolated times. Brauner explains: “Every community I’ve visited has teenage classes that no one goes to. “How to support your teenager.” “How to be a positive parent of a teenager.” Schools often provide them. But the parents think, “I came out of this 10-year difficult era. Can I take a break? Do I really need to go to other seminars? “The answer is no, don’t go, but you might think. Just sitting in a room with other people who are experiencing the same thing and being able to say, “This is really difficult,” can be therapeutic. Perhaps this is the right outlet for you.
You’ll also want to spend a lot of time with your partner, friends, and anyone who can assure you that yes, your shirt looks amazing, even if your teen swears it’s the ugliest thing she’s ever seen. Try to see this stage in your teen’s life as good for both of you – separation allows you to be yourself again and find hobbies and interests that go far beyond your parenting role.
Continue to physically be there
It’s important not to worry about being around your teenager, even if you’re just sitting in silence. Every day, Browner would say to his two teens, “I wonder how school went today. I can talk if you want. ” Usually they would answer “Eh” or “Not now” – and that would be perfectly normal. He said, “Okay, I’ll work on my crossword puzzle,” and just sat with them in the living room.
“The idea is that I’m not forcing you to talk about your life. But I will not give up on you either. ” Research shows that spending time with parents is important to the well-being of adolescents, even if those times are not always filled with deep connections. Browner knew that regularly interacting with his children “in a calm and trustworthy manner” would eventually lead to one of them saying, “Guess what? Today I got an excellent grade. ”Or“ My friend broke up with me. ”“ They will share their lives if they feel comfortable at home, ”he says.
Taking advantage of other fleeting opportunities for communication – for example, talking to teens in a parallel position where there is no need to look in the eyes can help allay any anxiety. “Making friends with teenagers is like making friends with a Bengal tiger,” says Brauner. “You approach slowly and you know where the exits are.”
Yes, this stage will pass
After adolescents feel more established as individuals (unfortunately, this process does not have a definitive timeline), they begin to support their parents again. Their brains develop and they learn to better regulate their emotions. Things get a little less stressful. And the famous quote from Mark Twain about adolescence rings true: “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand this old man. But when I turned 21, I was amazed at how much the old man learned in seven years. “
Browner says: “Some of the great and most intimate moments I’ve had with teenagers. They are people. They have love. They are partial. They are not hostile entities to be feared. They are beautiful and full of enthusiasm for the world. ” All of this can be difficult to see, but keep looking. One day, if they have teenagers of their own, they will call you and ask, “My God, have I ever been like this?”
This story was originally published in 2018 and has been updated with new information on 02/25/2020.