How to Break up With Your Family

In 2012, 29-year-old April Seeze broke off relations with her mother after experiencing years of emotional and verbal abuse in a family with undiagnosed mental health problems and substance use disorders.

“My parents kept me in treatment centers, group homes and outside of them and sent me to a harassment program in the wild,” says Siez. “It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that she blamed me for some of her shortcomings, and finally I realized that we did not have a good relationship and we cannot renew it.”

Sieze says it took her years to realize that her childhood was abnormal.

“I naively did not understand that she regularly throws away my things and interferes with my sleep, illuminates me and humiliates me (for example: regularly says that I will never be healthy enough to keep at work, or that I am not trustworthy, and I always I’ll be a liar and never be good enough) was unusual and these normal loving parents didn’t exhibit this behavior, ”says Siez.

After a while, Sieze called her mother and tried to establish boundaries. “I said that something was not working and that I would only talk to her with an intermediary. I asked her to go to therapy that I would like to, say, return to California and have family therapy with her, but I could not continue our relationship as it is. ” When her mother did not accept her terms and accused Size of “hurting her,” Sieze broke off contact. “Sometimes she sent me long text messages about how sorry she was, sent me emails about how she was doing and how much she was in pain,” says Siez. “I had to set up email filters and block her number.”

It is extremely difficult to break off relationships with family members or distance yourself from them, whether they are abusive or toxic parents, or members of a monarchy whose subjects will not stop posting racist gossip about you on the tabloids. Sometimes it’s worth trying to work and keep the relationship, but in certain cases the best option is to end the relationship.

Here are some tips on how to do this, but a note first. It is a good idea to talk to a therapist before breaking off a family relationship. Everyone I spoke to while researching this article decided to cut ties with their relatives after years of therapy, so in the end they felt confident that they were doing the right thing for them. It may even be helpful to seek group or family counseling so that your therapist can better understand the dynamics you are dealing with. The bottom line is that this decision is not easy. But if you do decide this is the right way forward, we have a tip for you below:

Assess why you and your family need to break up

Each person and all family relationships are individual, so people feel the need to distance themselves and / or cut themselves off from family members for different reasons.

“Every family has its own patterns of interaction, and there is a wide range of behaviors that can be emotionally destructive and harmful, including scapegoats, gaslighting, marginalization or shame, ignoring them, and exercising control,” says Peg Streep, author of the book Daughter Detox. : Recovering from an unloving mother and rebuilding your life .

Your family member’s behavior can trigger certain emotional and even physical reactions in you, such as anxiety, panic, and depression. For example, 29-year-old Alexandra White says she began to experience severe anxiety whenever she spoke to her mother, with whom she had a very difficult relationship that worsened after her parents went through a promiscuous divorce when she was in high school. school. “After college, my heart beat when I saw her call me,” she says. “I will try to keep our calls as short as possible. If I had missed the call, I would not have called her back for several days. She would not take responsibility for our problems on her part. By the end, even the thought of talking to her made me sick. ” White eventually ended her relationship with her mother in 2012.

If a family member is abusing you physically and / or sexually, you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship with that person; If you need urgent help, you should call 911 or the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233. A family member who puts you in physical danger or exposes you to potential legal problems should be taken seriously and seriously. urgency.

However, there are some less obvious red flags, such as manipulative behavior, emotional and verbal abuse, that you may find it harder to register as abnormal. “It’s a little less clear when your loved one has a substance abuse problem,” says Robert Emery, Ph.D. , professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of two books on divorce. “It can take a long time before you realize that they have a real problem. It is even more difficult to cope with personality disorder, which is difficult even for professionals to diagnose. ”

Whatever the problem, if a family member is causing you psychological distress or misbehaving, it might be time to consider breaking ties.

Find a therapist or other objective third-party professional who can help you.

Breaking up with family members is a big step and you shouldn’t take it alone. A good therapist will guide you through the self-reflection necessary to evaluate your relationship with your relative / s. they can help you rescue that relationship and develop a strategy for setting boundaries (more on this later). And if he is not saved, with their help and support, you can move on to alienation.

“No one should consider breaking up with a family member if they haven’t done a lot of self-testing,” says Emery. “If you haven’t, you need to. If you understand and finally understand that it is time to act, well, then it is time to act and not doubt yourself. As always, getting an objective, external perspective can help, whether you’re consulting with a therapist, perhaps a lawyer, or some trusted, truly objective friend. “

Not only can therapy help you set boundaries and make serious life decisions with an impartial voice, but the therapist can also serve as an important support system both when you are ready for a marital breakup and later when you deal with its consequences.

“Working with a gifted therapist to see the patterns of interaction in your original family and how they affect you is by far the best way,” Streep says.

Set small boundaries before taking a full break.

It is important to set boundaries in any relationship, good or bad, and it is possible that your family member will be open to cooperating with you if you voice what is going wrong. “You want to talk about it and try to establish some rules in the relationship,” says Emery. “Start by setting really clear boundaries around it and pause, not end.”

So, for example, if you feel that your family members are often trying to use you for money, you can tell them, “I still want a relationship with you, but I can no longer support you financially.” If you find yourself in the middle of a violent fight between your parents, you can tell them that you will no longer be their mediator. If your sister is arguing with you about Donald Trump, ask her not to discuss politics with you again. You must also be prepared to actively respect those boundaries – if, for example, the aforementioned sister brings up the issue of Trump on Thanksgiving, even if you asked her not to do so, it would be fair to leave the room, house, etc. the step required to show her what are you serious.

Of course, every situation is different, and sometimes relationships require tighter boundaries. “If your family member has a real substance abuse problem, physical abuse, or threats, or something more challenging like a personality disorder, then it’s really time to say, ‘Okay, I need some real there are clear rules, ”says Emery.

Of course, these rules depend on the situation. “You may have to restrict contact or end contact altogether, including blocking your loved one’s number,” says Emery. “You may need to stop giving them money or other support, such as coming to help when they are distraught, drunk, or in trouble with the law. Or maybe you feel like you still need help, but you will get this far. You will contact their therapist or take them to the intensive care unit, but then you will let the professionals take charge. ”

Again, if you think you are in immediate danger, call 911 or the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Note that even if you do become separated from your family, reconciliation is possible, especially with the help of a therapist or mediator. Taking a break can give you time to heal and reflect, leaving room to rebuild your relationship later.

Look for mediation

If you still think you need to take more serious action, it is recommended that you seek help from family mediation or family therapy if you haven’t tried it yet, provided that you are not dealing with the abuser.

“I would always like to do joint counseling (if the other party is willing) to see if there is any room for conversation and development,” says Karl Pickhardt, Ph.D. , author of WHO WILL STEAL MY CHILD? Education in four stages of adolescence . “In many cases, the person you think is hurtful or objectionable may think you are the same, so joint incompatibility is something that you share and can develop.”

It is also helpful to have a facilitator so that a third party is present who will hold everyone accountable, help you agree on terms and boundaries, and provide an objective perspective on your relationship with these family members that you may not get from your therapist all at once. -on one-time sessions.

Communicate the break clearly and adhere to the conditions you set

If you’ve taken the time to introspect, try to set small boundaries, and / or go through mediation and still think breaking up is the answer, you should let the family member you’re ending with know you’re going to repeat. Not their ghosts. (Again, if they are not the bully, then it is best to first work out a plan of action with your therapist and facilitator.)

“Everyone, even a difficult person, deserves a clear explanation of what is happening and why,” says Emery. “Once you’ve figured out what you’re going to do, that’s the starting point.”

Before ending the relationship, decide what you want to see the parameters of your relationship. You can end all contacts if you think this is the best route, or limit contacts to certain circumstances, days of the week, frequencies, etc. For example, in 2018, Rafael R., now 43 years old, decided to move some distance from his mother and stepfather after decades of suffering from stepfather abuse. He met his mother face to face and told her that their relationship could not continue as it is.

“I told her that I didn’t want to have anything to do with my stepfather, that things happened in my childhood that I, at least, had to put on the table,” said Rafael, who did not give his last name. for privacy reasons, says. “I said,” As a result, you and I cannot have a relationship until these things are solved, and I cannot solve them for you. ” This is how it will be from now on, and I’m sorry it got to this point. “

Although Raphael no longer speaks to his stepfather, he still interacts with his mother, but they are not as close as they once were. “I have a very civil relationship with her. This is not what you consider to be a family one, says Rafael. “We write to each other every few days and stuff like that, and I’ll miss her a lot when she’s gone because she’s my mom. But there is no deep relationship. “

Once you define your boundaries, Emery says, you need to stick to them. “The most important thing is that before you start any of these, you have to decide with yourself that you are doing the right thing and what you are going to follow through,” says Emery. “If they keep texting you, you can block their text. If they appear, knock on your door, do not let them in. You need to be confident in yourself and in your determination that this is right not only for you, but also for your family member, so you do not allow them. “

Expect ripple effects

When you end a relationship with one or more family members, it is likely to affect your relationship with the rest of the family. “When you break off a relationship with a family member, you affect the entire extended family, not just the relationship you seek to break off,” writes Pickhardt. “For example, one adult child refuses to be close to another, and now the remaining members, such as parents, may not like this new division and distance that has arisen in the family.”

Tell the family members you want to stay in touch with that you still want to maintain a loving relationship with them and that you will not pressure them to side with you. White, for example, is still close to her father and brother, although she says her brother found himself in a difficult situation when she stopped talking to her mother. “My brother still has a relationship with her, and she put him in the middle and made him try to make me feel guilty about not talking to her, which I should have asked him not to interfere with.” says White.

Of course, sometimes other members of your family will not respect your decision and will try to intervene despite your request to do so. “Both sides of my family are very liberal, but they have a traditional Catholic core, and what you cannot refuse is your family,” says Siez. “My relatives refuse to share our relationship with me without talking to my mom.”

Therefore, you may have to set boundaries with extended family members as well. “They don’t have to like or agree with the division of boundaries you set. They may strongly disagree, ”says Pikhardt. “You are doing this for yourself, not for them, and their lack of support may be just collateral damage that you are willing to pay.”

You may still need to meet and / or speak with members of your family living separately under certain circumstances, which can be very difficult. Sieze saw her mother in the summer, after she broke off their relationship, at the funeral of another close relative. “The first person I saw when I entered the bathroom in the church was my mother,” says Siez. “Everything went horribly. I felt I had to soften her emotions and allowed myself to play the therapist and grief counselor for my mom. “

However, Sieza remained determined even as her mother tried to change her mind. “She said, ‘Well, maybe you’ll come over,” says Siez. “I didn’t really say anything about this, and everything remained as it is.”

Give yourself room and permission to grieve

Any relationship is difficult to end, and ending with a family member, especially a parent or child, is especially fraught. “It’s incredibly difficult, not only because we value family intellectually, but also because we have our cultural attachments,” says Emery. “He comes to the realization that ‘maybe my mother is not who I wanted to see her or hoped she would be.’ It may not be a loss of a real relationship if the relationship is problematic, but a loss of hopes and dreams about what this family could be. “

If you went to see a therapist before you ended your relationship, it is worth continuing counseling to work through the issue of guilt or loss; if you haven’t been in therapy, you may want to start therapy if you have the financial means. For example, White relied on therapy to help her deal with her relationship problems with her mother. “It took me a lot of therapy to realize that just because [my mother] gave birth to me doesn’t mean I owe her the rest of my life,” White says. “I was able to just try to work on myself and not worry about being in a relationship with someone I can’t control.”

Feelings of guilt and / or loss are normal; you may never feel the closure. “I never had the feeling that I could fully speak out [with my parents],” says Siez, who also ended up ending her relationship with her father. “I definitely wanted answers from them. But that won’t happen. You have to be aware of this – just because you have removed a difficult aspect from your life, it does not mean that other problems are solved. “

Make sure you give yourself space and allow these feelings to be felt. “There is definitely an element of grief. There is definitely an element of loss. You have to respect and respect that, ”says Rafael R.

And know that even if you cannot maintain relationships with the family in which you were born, this does not mean that there are no people around you who can and will love you, and whom you can and will love, in turn. … “As far as the advice I would like to receive, you are not alone if you cut off contact with your family or decide to end a toxic relationship with a family member,” says Siez. “Your chosen family can sometimes more than fulfill this role, and there are other people who may relate to your experience.”