Create Your Own Parenting Squad
We like to say that raising a child takes a village, but sometimes this village looks rather sparsely populated. We often do not live in our hometowns, surrounded by distant relatives and friends that we had since elementary school. Our attached garages provide added privacy and less interaction with our neighbors. We rely mostly on ourselves.
What we all need, writes Alison Beard for the Harvard Business Review , is parenting:
In the past, this role could be played by grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, or cousins. But as David Brooks recently pointed out at The Atlantic , most of us live and work too far from our large families for this to happen. Friends should become family. When you are a working parent, especially one whose children grew up from simple daycare or nannies, but cannot yet drive a car, use the subway or train on their own, this network – your squad – will help you survive.
I don’t think this only applies to working parents. Every parent needs help from time to time – and who better to provide that help than those who might need a little help in return? People who don’t have children probably don’t understand why we are so exhausted all the time, and people who have grown up as children have long blocked the insane nature of everyday life with young children. When you have young children, the other parents of young children will be your most valuable members of your tribe.
It’s true that making friends in adulthood is not easy, but you shouldn’t think of these people as permanent best friends. That’s not what we’re doing here. Your parenting team should be made up of people with whom you have a good relationship – and, of course, you trust your children – but you don’t have to be really close with them. You just need to have children of the same age with similar interests and with the same desire not to do everything the same thing all the time.
Here’s how to outline and find them.
Be an assistant
Who is most willing to help you? The one you helped. The easiest way to hire squad members is to first offer to drop, pick up, or otherwise entertain your kids. One mom in my area definitely recruited me into her squad using this tactic. When we had a movie night in our elementary school, she offered to take my son and take him along. It was so unusual and beautiful that the next time our school held a fundraiser – this time at a local trampoline park – I suggested taking her son with me.
Over the years, we have taken turns making this tacit agreement to drop off and meet at school events, the pool, and any summer camps they find themselves in together.
But if you help someone a couple of times, and at least they don’t offer to reciprocate? Probably I don’t know the material.
Be an organizer
You’re already very busy – that’s why you need help in the first place – and it might seem like the last thing you have time for is to pound a few baseball parents to develop a training carpool system. But imagine that a little pre-organization would benefit you if you only have to bring the kids to every third workout, not every workout. You are not the only parent who doesn’t want to do this every time. There are others who would like to take turns to work, and you can be the first to get off the ground.
Practice asking if anyone wants to coordinate car sharing, get their phone numbers, and set up group text. From there, you can figure out which plan makes the most sense depending on where you live, as well as each work and extracurricular schedule.
Be long-standing
It goes against my nature, but I think this is the key for parents who want to bond and build a squad. You need to build rapport with the other parents, which can only happen if you make the effort to get to activities or workouts a little earlier, hang out a little later, and strike up a conversation with the other parents. Keep an eye on who your kids gravitate towards, let them go back to the cars together and talk to their parents along the way to see if they have potential.
Before you know it, you’ll be like those five people in the picture above, with their arms around each other, pulling you towards the daily finish line.