How to Stop Being an Asset
As a child, we are taught to help. Along with teaching how to share, lessons about helping others start in preschool or earlier. But most of us weren’t aware of healthy boundaries or when to recognize when “helping” someone turns into an opportunity.
So what exactly is an opportunity? According to clinical psychologist Dr. Jade Wu , “You can contribute to a person’s bad behavior in many ways, but it all comes down to what you do to maintain the status quo.” And this usually happens by accident, because of course you are not trying to perpetuate or validate another person’s potentially dangerous behavior. Here’s how to recognize if you’re contributing, and what you can do to set healthy boundaries instead.
How to know if you are contributing
Most of the time, you end up being a helper because you truly love someone, care about them, and want (what you think) the best for them. But even with the best of intentions, admitting and promoting bad behavior or habits of a loved one will not help anyone. Here are four behaviors that Wu defines as characteristic of developmental factors.
Clean up their messes (sometimes literally)
This includes “any form of protecting a person from the natural negative consequences of their own behavior,” explains Wu in Psychology Today . This can take the form of a permanent loan to someone with a gambling addiction, or lying to protect someone in his family upon learning that he has a drug problem. It’s one thing for this to happen once, but if it becomes a routine “rescue” situation, then you will only prevent the loved one from learning the causal pattern of his behavior, ”adds Wu.
Providing them with general “help” (eg money) that does not help them achieve their goals.
According to Wu, if you’re always someone’s liferaft, they’ll never learn to solve problems on their own.
Don’t stick to your boundaries
If you’ve already set boundaries with this person, but constantly bypass them, this is challenging behavior. “Sticking to your boundaries isn’t just for your own sanity – the person you’re trying to help will eventually feel safer if they can count on you to keep your word, even if they resist at first,” explains Woo. “You are also a good role model for consistent behavior.”
Either shame them or apologize for them
Wu says switching between the two sets a dangerous precedent. “Neither shame nor apology helps a person change their behavior, and switching between them is even worse,” she notes.
How to stop being a helper
If any of the above sounds familiar, chances are you could help. Fortunately, Wu also offers several ways to fix his own behavior. Here’s what she offers.
Give them a place without judgment so they can share
Instead of judging, shaming, or blaming someone, accept that person for who they are, recognizing their true worth as a person. According to Wu, here’s how to do it:
Give them enough space to talk about their thoughts and feelings. Don’t retell your opinions and advice just yet. Later, you may disagree with their behavior, but there is no reason to disagree with their feelings – people feel the way they do, and you can respect that by trying to put yourself in their shoes emotionally.
Hold them accountable for their behavior
Again, you don’t want to blame or shame them, but also don’t let the person get away from punishment for their ongoing bad behavior. The key here, Wu said, is to take their lead, not set their own goals for them. Ask them what they need, listen to them, and if they want you to help them stick to their goal, do so.
Celebrate their victories with them
Positive reinforcement helps. If the person succeeds or achieves one of their goals, let them know that you are proud of them and understand how difficult it is to make changes.
Provide them with logistical support (within reason)
While Wu admits that consistently helping someone to continue their negative habit or behavior is a sign that he is allowing himself, once a person begins to genuinely work towards their goal, they may need practical help from time to time. In this case, your support may prevent them from returning to their past behavior.
This is how Wu says that we can distinguish useful behavior from useful:
- Is the person willing to work to change their unhealthy behavior?
- Is there a clearly defined purpose for a loan or other form of assistance?
- Is there a sensible plan (or are they willing to make one) of what they will do after using your support to get out of this immediate crisis?
In the end, she says it all comes down to a combination of compassion and boundaries.