Keep Every Parent’s Opinion to Yourself
We now live in a particularly divided country, but we are fortunate that we still have one great unifying factor that causes anger among parents: we do not need your unwanted opinions about our parenting. This is especially true if you don’t have children of your own. (Dogs don’t count.)
I have to believe that author Jill Filipovich just wanted to argue about something unrelated to the literal end of our democracy when she recently tweeted this brilliant gem of opinion:
In a subsequent tweet, she rhetorically reflects: “Do you think that children in most countries of the world prefer the ‘children’s menu’ and survive mainly on chicken fingers and simple pasta?”
Her argument seems to be that children should have more variety in their diets, ignoring the fact that children’s menus exist to offer smaller, significantly cheaper portions of food for children to make them more affordable and less wasteful when families go out to eat. … But you see, this is why parenting is so irritating about parenting non-parenting children: they are blind to the fundamental aspects of parenting that are obvious to those of us who actually did it.
Yes, you are very clever, and you get to know your children with a lot of flavors, and they will always have exactly what you eat, because you will not be able to prepare for them one dish and a separate dish for them. If you become a parent, it is more likely that we look forward to hearing from you: “No dear, you need to buy dinosaur-shaped nuggets; he doesn’t like the usual. “
However, there is another category of parents giving advice that may actually be worse: parents of one child who think they have calculated the next 18 years. They see you babysitting the TV; they hear you raise your voice to your children and they know they will never do it .
Take, for example, this parent who wrote in Slate’s Care and Feeding column , perplexed by the unwelcome feedback they received from friends about how they were raising their 6 and 3 year olds. They need courses on anger management – said friends who are parents – wait, 10 month old baby:
My wife and I drove over and over in the evenings (it was easy – it was a sober meeting) and … we are still confused! One day I raised my voice to correct my 6 year old child so that he would not go outside so that he could hear me through the wind. I corrected my 3 year old to move off the sidewalk to maintain physical distance from another group going in the opposite direction. I reminded my 3 year old daughter that there is no dessert unless her plate is finished. That’s all.
It seems to me … ordinary parenting? No profanity, no name-calling, no threats, just … regularly. Don’t get caught in traffic. Make room for others because of the virus. Eat your dinner if you like cookies. It’s okay, right?
Even seemingly good intentions: “I swear I am not judging, I just really want to help,” parenting advice is wrong at best. Do you think you’ve figured out the reason why little Johnny is always hysterical, or refuses to sit at the dinner table, or stomps up the stairs and slams the door? Are you sure you can softly explain how you can see from the outside that Johnny needs a little more consistency, discipline, or something ?
Yes, we also know these solutions. Did you know that being a parent all day, every day is difficult? This is why we seem so jaded, hot-tempered, and tired; this is due to the fact that we are all the time trying to raise worthy people, or at least keep them alive.
Or, as Michelle Herman wrote for Slate to a parent who wants to “kindly share their observations”:
I know you mean good, but there is absolutely zero chance that your friend does not yet know that “if parents acted on the same page and supported each other,” everything could be simpler. If they could do it right now, they would do it. Getting into their marriage and the swamp associated with raising children will not help them, but it can cause irreparable damage to your friendship.
Do you know who else you don’t need to give advice? From parents of children only to parents who have several children. From parents of neurotypical children to parents of children with neurodiversity. From parents of biological children to parents of adopted or adopted children. Parents with older children who are currently not raising children during the pandemic.
Plus to everyone else. If you’re talking about a legitimate safety issue, or until a parent asks that this will never happen, how would you feed a hypothetical child, or how you would make sure you never raised a child, a disrespectful word spoken, sit down. You are wrong and no one asked you.
Besides, chicken sticks are not “baby food,” Jill . They are delicious and fit all of us.
However, to Jill’s credit, she can at least admit she was wrong. When I contacted her about this article to see if she had any additional comments, she replied:
I was surprised to see the tweet go as viral as it showed how trivial it is, but that’s the magic of Twitter. It is clear that almost everyone was in agreement that they told me that I was wrong, so I accept my opinion: I was wrong on the Internet. If I ever have children, I will tweet an update in a few years to confirm exactly how wrong I was. I’m at least glad that my totally stupid tweet gave people something very low to resent. Compared to a Supreme Court nominee who will abandon women’s rights, a pandemic that has claimed more than 200,000 lives, and a president trying to steal election results, a tweet about baby food from a man unable to influence what even a single child eats. it is very unimportant, but honestly, it pleasantly distracts from the rest of our hellish life. It was almost like Before Times.
To be honest, it was good fun.
[Updated at 4:17 pm on September 28, 2020 to add a comment by Jill Filipovich.]