You Can Improve the Use of Correct Pronouns (No Insults)
When you use someone’s correct pronouns, you show them a basic level of respect. However, many well-meaning people find themselves confused or even intimidated by the territory of different gender identities, especially when they’re talking to someone you’re not particularly close to, like a co-worker or your child’s school friend.
You’ve heard that you don’t want to take someone’s pronouns based on looks alone, but you may still be hesitant to ask someone directly. What if you feel like you’re singling them out or your attempt to show respect is being aggressive?
If you don’t know how to navigate people’s pronouns when you don’t know them well, here are some tips and reminders on how to show respect.
Some very basic basics
Bear with me, I’m stating the obvious, but pronouns are nothing new. You have always used them instead of someone’s name when referring to someone in the third person. Pronouns such as “he” and “she” carry an implied gender. What is becoming more and more relevant is the fact that “he” and “she” do not always correspond exactly to how a person actually identifies.
A third of teens and people in their 20s and 20s know someone who uses pronouns other than “she” or “he” according to a 2019 Pew Research poll , and that number is set to rise . Also, gender is a spectrum, and people can feel like having multiple genders or not having them at different times. While this may take some time, pronouns are an important part of our identity.
“The first form of discrimination and prejudice is the denial of the existence of a group or person… in relation to transgender and gender diverse people, the use of irregular pronouns is seen as such a denial,” educator and speaker Sally Goldner tells ABC Australia .
Using someone’s correct pronouns is important to confirming their humanity. And no, it won’t be grammatically incorrect .
Conversational Tips for Respecting Someone’s Pronouns
Say your own pronouns first
If you want someone to give you their pronouns, the easiest way to do this is to say your own. People usually use the opportunity to reciprocate. Also, the act of saying your pronouns helps normalize the fact that we shouldn’t all be making assumptions based solely on looks.
If you meet at work, share your pronouns at the beginning of each meeting, even if it’s people who meet regularly. Pronouns can and do change for people, especially if they are gender fluid. It’s helpful to assign a repeating space so people can share and learn how to address each other.
Use gender-neutral pronouns until proven otherwise
Gender-neutral pronouns are also useful if someone doesn’t know the gender of the person they’re talking about, like “Oh, Alex coming? Remind me again, what is their job?
Try making the singular “they/them/them” your default pronoun for people when you don’t know how they identify.
Ask them
Just ask, “What are your pronouns?” Or “What pronouns do you use?” This is acceptable and probably appreciated. Try not to use the word “preferred” when asking for someone’s pronouns. “Preferred” tends to imply “optional”.
Another note: try not to go out of your way to single out people who tend to look more androgynous – this only reinforces the idea that other people are “obviously” male or female because of the way they look. The key to normalizing all the different identities is to be open-minded about everyone you meet, no matter what you instinctively assume about their gender.
Really listen to their answer
Once someone tells you what pronouns they use, don’t ignore them by defaulting to “they”. For example, a trans woman using “she/her” pronouns may feel inferior if you keep referring to her as “they” even if you only mean nice things.
Final Thoughts
As gender identity continues to break out of predetermined boundaries, we will all make mistakes from time to time. If you’re worried about the backlash for insulting someone, try to give that person their due. While misidentification of gender can be very painful for this person, they will most likely be patient and understanding with the learning curve you are trying to overcome. Most of all, they will appreciate the fact that you go out of your way to show respect.