How Not to Masturbate During a Zoom Call
Listen, I get it. The line between office and home has become so thin that we cannot tell the difference between, say, when it’s okay to masturbate and when it’s not . Since we at Lifehacker are committed to honest journalism , I want to share some of the personal tips I’ve learned so that you don’t make an “ annoyingly stupid mistake ”.
As proof, I masturbated everywhere. As a teenager, I was myself a masturbator; jerking off my green eggs and ham – late start but I quickly caught up. You could tell, this is my first tip:
Consider that you are not a cis man
Statistics show that today 100% of men who are accidentally caught masturbating during a Zoom call at work are identified as men. You have the choice to stick to dual genders, and at the same time, a woman or a weirdo can lead to misogyny and increased danger, this will reduce the likelihood of exposure to genitals and other sexually harassing people who do not want to see them.
When given a choice, women and queer professionals often choose to masturbate before work starts or after work is over, so a man’s absence can help reduce the risk of being caught masturbating on Zoom. It will also reduce your likelihood of threatening violence or offering unwanted feedback about the work of others in a direct message.
Set a masturbation alarm before every meeting
Men need a cooling off period after orgasm, when we usually lose erection and the desire to keep masturbating. Take advantage of this by planning a calendar delay before each appointment so you can masturbate before turning on the camera. Worried about taking a nap afterwards? Combine coffee with a pre-meeting ritual twenty minutes before the Zoom meeting. The caffeine rush should come right after your meeting starts to lag, but before your next erection comes.
Build a time machine
Consider creating your own time machine that allows you to rewind time 60 seconds when you get caught at work. Don’t try to fix those longer-term mistakes – you’re just messing up the timeline – but invent a smaller device that gives you enough time to hit the cancel button after you realize your team of coworkers are having sex. chased / scared.
Before creating your time machine, think about setting your own time control rules: do you want to rewind time back, thereby undoing your action and live in a single plane of existence, or do you want to go back in time by creating a separate timeline where you can watch the original that you start masturbating to Zoom, alert it, and then start your separate life as a dubbed version of yourself. There is so much to consider!
For more practical tips, check out our other articles on How to Avoid Zoom Trouble .