Stop the Ghost and Meet With Great Compassion
If you’re looking for a quick and dirty way out of a romantic relationship with someone you’re unlikely to run into again, a ghost can seem like a tempting and blissfully simple option. (Especially when public places are closed and online dating opens up myriad relationship options that are easy to get into and easier to get out of.) But then one day, you find yourself on the opposite end of the ghost equation, in love and wondering why people can’t even once. treat each other like goddamn people!
The point is, we could all probably lead our personal lives with a little more empathy. In the third video in her series on modern love and infidelity, relationship and sex expert (and State of the Art) Esther Perel looks at “ghost” and other new dating concepts that have emerged to describe hyperconnection, but in an entirely unrelated way. which many of us go on dates today.
“We have always rejected people, but the intensity of communication, which may precede the intensity of lack of communication, has taken on a completely new proportion,” explains Perel. “What we have today is a state of unclear relationship, in which I give just enough so that I don’t feel alone, but I don’t have to do anything that makes me responsible and accountable to you.”
This state of affairs has created what Perel calls “intermediate states,” in which we hold each other at arm’s length in states of stable ambiguity through techniques such as halos and “icing” and “boiling.”
Unsurprisingly, Perel encourages everyone to come to terms and end the relationship more respectfully – and decisively. “Even if it’s a short [relationship], show kindness, compassion, respect,” Perel says. “There is another person at the end of the text.”
This post was originally published in 2017 and has been updated in 2020 to include additional context and to align with Lifehacker’s style guidelines.