How to Help Children Who Feel Isolated Now

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In the summer, when it became clear that my 10-year-old son’s school district would offer both personal and virtual options for returning to school in the fall, his mom and I wanted him to feel like he was contributing to whatever decision was made. accepted.

My son is shy and withdrawn, but he has a small group of friends he grew up with since kindergarten. He has missed them dearly since March, and his only non-virtual access to this friendship is to return to face-to-face studies. However, he ended up saying that he was more comfortable staying at home.

And for the most part, he has proven resilient and adaptable to such dramatic changes. He gets up early and begins to complete tasks every day at the same time. He has good grades and is purposeful. He remembers when he meets at Zoom and has a good adult support system. But sometimes he just needs a friend who is not his parent.

As much as I want to, I can’t do outdoor sports with the incredible amount of energy that he and his friends have always been capable of. I am terribly uncomfortable with video games and I cannot effectively troubleshoot all issues when it has problems connecting to my friends for online games.

Our main concern in the online school was how it would respond academically and adapt to the need to be more self-reliant than in a traditional classroom. But that was the easy part. Trying to navigate and satisfy his emotional needs proved to be more challenging.

Start talking and keep talking

For help, I turned to Dr. Hanna Schacter, a developmental psychologist at Wayne State University in Detroit, who studies how the social relationships of adolescents affect their mental and physical health. She said that what we are currently experiencing is not unusual.

“One of the favorite things children and adolescents have in school is being able to interact with their peers – both in and out of the classroom,” Schacter said. “The shift to predominantly online learning has limited the ability of children to engage in informal school interactions that make them feel good, such as dining with friends in the cafeteria, playing sports, after-school clubs, and sharing fun stories at school. their lockers in their spare time. “

She also notes that these emotional needs should not be viewed in isolation from learning, calling them “complexly interrelated rather than separate priorities.”

Dr. Hilary Marusak is a Wayne-based developmental neuroscientist who studies brain development in children and adolescents and the effects of stress and trauma on the brain. She notes that most children do have anxiety related to social distancing and living during a pandemic. Both she and Schacter say that one simple way parents and guardians can check children’s mental and emotional health is to simply ask them questions.

“Some children may be afraid of losing friends, missing important holidays such as birthdays, holidays or graduation, and doing poorly at school,” said Marusak. “You may never know if you don’t ask, and many parents may not know. Children may experience anxiety differently than adults and are less able to verbalize what they are feeling. ”

Anxiety and depression can manifest themselves in different ways in children, she said. For example, they may feel certain physical symptoms, such as abdominal pain.

“Children may also avoid talking about certain things, or they may no longer want to do things that they used to enjoy,” Marusak said. “This is especially important for more shy children or older teens who can keep things under wraps.”

Schacter notes that even if kids don’t want to talk, regularly asking about their feelings at least keeps the door open so they know they can talk about things like feeling isolated or alone with parents, school staff, or other trusted adults. …

Presence is the key

The reality of everyone being quarantined is such that new stressors are raging. For parents who were already combining full-time work and other responsibilities prior to the pandemic, the additional requirements for adequate support for children in virtual school, academically and emotionally, represent huge new challenges that may seem overwhelming. But here’s the good news: simply being present is often the most reassuring thing a parent can do.

“There is a lot of pressure on parents and guardians to fulfill all these roles while maintaining their own physical and mental health,” Marusak said. “This should be comforting for parents: there are many things that parents can do to allay their child’s fears and anxieties just by being around them. We know from decades of research that the presence of a warm, comforting parent can mitigate the negative effects of stress on children. ”

Reassuring a child that they are safe may sound elementary, but it can actually be very helpful.

“Parents should strive to be a stable source of support for your child and a safe place where he or she can speak openly about what they think or feel at any time,” said Marusak. “Take time to listen to your child and don’t ignore his emotions; admit this is a difficult time. “

Reaffirm their feelings and their need for autonomy

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests starting a conversation with children about the coronavirus. In such conversations, parents may not play the exact role of friend or peer, but they may perform some of the same roles. Schacter notes that listening, testing and empathy are the keys.

“Rather than minimizing or simplifying children’s stress, it’s important for parents to validate their children’s feelings and accept their point of view,” she said. “For teenagers in particular, it is also important that parents allow their child to have a little space. The teenage years are generally a time of exploration and increasing independence from their parents, and these developmental milestones are much more difficult to achieve when they are quarantined at home. Respecting adolescence and striving for autonomy while showing openness to communication can also help build trust. ”

Schacter notes that we are just beginning to see early research into the social and developmental impact of the pandemic on young people, and it will take years and decades to see a clear understanding of this impact. But one thing that is known about children as a population is that they are incredibly adaptable.

“Young people with pre-existing vulnerabilities, such as mental health or social hardship before a pandemic, are more likely to experience long-term negative effects,” Schacter said. “But children and adolescents also have a remarkable ability to adapt to difficult circumstances, especially with the right support, and I think we can also expect a lot of that resilience after a pandemic.”

For now, there are a few practical ways to make sure kids still have a bond with their friends. Marusak notes that it’s easier for older kids or teens who have their own cell phones or devices, but for kids with more limited access to technology, parents should continue to use Zoom or FaceTime for virtual dating, or set up virtual games for kids. play together online. Weather permitting, there are also ways to socialize outdoors, with physically distant games and games that can be played from a safe distance.

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