An Adult’s Guide to Losing Virginity

Not all of us lose our virginity at 16 on the back of an old Camry. If you are still a virgin later in life, you may feel like you are the last person on earth who has not had sex. But rest assured, you are not alone. According to a recent CDC study, Americans wait longer than before to have sex for the first time (30 percent of Gen Z respondents aged 18 to 22 said they were virgins; 12 to 14 percent of men and women aged 20 to 24 said the same). Whether you’re looking to get married or just haven’t found the right person, here’s what you should know about losing your virginity as an adult.

What to expect

You probably know the basics of where this is going, but let’s start with what to expect before, during, and after losing your virginity.

Before

First things first: what is virginity to you? Most people still think that intercourse is what determines the loss of virginity, but in fact it shouldn’t be the default. Maybe you are homosexual and there is no penis and / or vagina in this mixture. Or vaginal intercourse may not be part of your desired repertoire. There may be other activities that matter more to you. In fact, each of us must decide what action is loss of virginity. Beyond the logistics, there is also the emotional weight you give to your virginity: would you like to lose your virginity with someone you care about? Are you saving this for a serious relationship? Or marriage?

As such, many older virgins struggle with lowering their standards (one way or another) in order to “end it.” Having a clear understanding of what your virginity really means to you can help you hold your opinion a little more. The shyness about my virginity status is understandable, but do you really want to remember this experience as the time when I got desperate and threw my standards out the door ?

One of the biggest questions that older virgins face is whether it’s worth telling a potential first partner about your virginity status. My advice is generally positive; there is nothing to be ashamed of your virginity, so there is no need to hide it. Virginity means different things to different people, so you have to let your partner decide if they are comfortable with being the one who takes yours.

You also need to figure out how you are going to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections and (in the case of the male and female penis) from pregnancy. Talk to your partner about their STI status and what barriers to use. Do this before getting naked and horny.

You are likely to be a big nerve knot before you lose your virginity. This is fine! You don’t need to force yourself to behave nonchalantly if you feel like there is a colony of butterflies in your belly. Allow yourself to feel everything you need before, during and after.

During

Let me be honest with you: your first time will probably be short, a little awkward, and not particularly fantastic. You or your partner may not reach orgasm. There will seem to be a lot of limbs involved and no room to accommodate them. Learning to have great sex takes time and practice. You will eventually get there, but not the first time – and that’s okay! Try to focus on activities you’ve already taken and feel comfortable with to build your confidence.

When it comes to female parts and penetration, your first time can also be somewhat painful and bloody. Most people think the hymen is responsible for these unpleasant side effects, but this is not always the case. The often misunderstood hymen does not block the vaginal canal or crack during sex. It is a permeable membrane that probably already has several perforations. If you have a vagina and are in pain, it is probably because the sensitive tissues of the vaginal canal are not used to such penetration. Bleeding can come from the hymen, but it is just as likely to come from the tissues of the vagina, which, again, are not used to such an invasion.

After

Get ready to clean. As mentioned above, there may be blood here. There can also be a lot of bodily fluids coming out of your holes quickly. Keep a box of tissues or a towel handy.

If you are a woman, be sure to pee after that! The bacteria can enter the urethra through any sexual contact. You don’t want to celebrate losing your virginity to a nasty urinary tract infection.

Store advice in min.

When my clients talk about losing their virginity, the phrase “I wish I knew this beforehand” pops up over and over again. Here are some tips on how to avoid many of the common mistakes associated with losing virginity:

• Discuss your expectations in advance . Just say it to calm your nerves and create more realistic expectations. Your partner may tell you that he just wants to finish the first time and focus on making it more fun the second time. Or maybe you both agree to take your time and make it special.
• It doesn’t have to be your wedding night. If you decide to wait until the wedding, I highly recommend that you do it the day after the wedding. You will be so exhausted from the holiday that you will be dangerously close to passing out as soon as your head touches the pillow. Sure, you could force yourself to have sex, but who wants this to be their first memory?
• Be sober. Navigating the first time takes a little effort, so you want to be confident. If you are drunk or drunk, then you are more likely to experience pain and less likely to enjoy (or even remember the experience altogether!). A glass of wine can calm your nerves, but try not to get too tipsy.
• Spend a lot of foreplay time. Some people are so eager to get to the “main event” that they forget that “foreplay” is more than half the fun. It will also help you relax and feel more excited about sharing the experience.
• A practical tip for you CIS guys: Use your fingers to guide your penis into your partner’s vagina. The vagina is a little harder to find than you think, especially if you are impatient and nervous. If you let your fingers make this opening, you won’t feel awkwardly poking her with your penis.
• Use a lubricant . Lubrication can help reduce pain and make you both feel better, especially the first time.
• Be more simple. Remember that your expectations should be low, so you shouldn’t try to impress your partner with a ton of crazy gymnastics. Stick to simple postures that are comfortable and allow for some emotional connection (if that’s what you want).
• Don’t bring yourself or your partner to orgasm . There are enough things to worry about without adding to orgasm. Instead, focus on enjoying the sensations.
• Don’t worry if you don’t like it. Many people weren’t particularly fond of first-time sex. A bad first time is not a harbinger of sexual death. Think of this as an excuse to try again soon.

Have fun and welcome to the wonderful world of a sexually active adult!

This article was originally published in 2015 and updated on January 29, 2021 to add additional context, include new information, replace obsolete links, and revise content to reflect the current style of Lifehacker.