Asking AI for Help With Elf on the Shelf Was a Mistake

I never wanted to see the Elf on the Shelf. But last year, just when I thought we were ending our years of believing in Santa, my daughter saved up and asked me to take her to Target to buy an elf. So now I have to put this thing in a new cute and creative position every night. Today is December 4th, and I have already run out of ideas.

My daughter, by the way, ignored my objections that a magical creature with free will and capable of high-speed international travel did not need to be purchased and, in fact, could not be owned ethically. Last year we brought the elf home and I obediently used salad tongs to remove him from the packaging and place him on the mantelpiece. (I tried not to laugh, but honestly, that was the best part.) She named her Star. And somehow we survived the season.

I remember how tired I was of posting it here instead of posting it there . The elf can’t be touched, so whatever you put on him can’t be used all day. But we survived the season. I placed it among the other toys and at one point had Star sit at the dollhouse table with a cutout of Fred from Scooby-Doo. This must be a date, my daughter declared. They got married on Christmas Eve. (I made a small wedding dress and veil from fabrics.)

But another year has passed. I hoped my daughter would forget about the elf. She definitely has n’t forgotten and can’t wait to see what adventures might top last year’s marriage storyline. Sigh.

Surely AI can help me, right?

AI can do everything these days, right? I wouldn’t trust any LL.M.s to provide factual information, but I have found them useful for brainstorming in the past. Surely ChatGPT or Claude could tell me what to do with this damn elf. After all, they did a great job helping my fellow Lifehacker writer Steven Johnson choose a gift for his son ! (Don’t click this link if you want to continue to think of AI as an intelligent being.)

I’ve seen other Elf on the Shelf idea lists that have a lot of clutter or complicated setups. I understand that “elves make a mess” scenarios are probably fun and push boundaries for their little ones, but I’m not going to clean up all the splatter or glitter that the elf “gets into” (ie, I pour it all around her). So I specifically asked ChatGPT for “Elf on the Shelf ideas that are quick, easy, and NOT Messy (no food).”

ChatGPT doesn’t know how elves work

To clarify for ChatGPT: it doesn’t say anything about food. This gave me 20 ideas to get started. These are the ones that looked viable, albeit boring.

• Elf with a small toy. “Place the elf next to a small toy or figurine. You can let him hold the toy or sit next to it as if they were playing together.” (On the one hand: yes, this meets the requirements. On the other hand: we did a lot of this, and our elf may not have many husbands.)

• The elf is dozing. “Place the elf in a cozy place, such as a tissue box or mitten, with a small blanket made of tissue or fabric. A small pillow or cotton swab can complete the setup.” Sleeping at work?! But okay, that could be cute.

• Elf on a swing. “Use a piece of rope or yarn to make a swing and place the elf on it. You can hang it on a shelf, lamp or chair.” Sounds doubtful, but perhaps feasible.

• Elf uses miniature furniture (been there)

• Elf in a stocking (did it)

There’s not much to do there. There were also some head-scratching suggestions, like: ” Elf on the Phone : Place an elf next to a toy phone, an imaginary laptop, or even your real phone (if it’s nearby). The elf can “call” Santa or check who has been good or bad.”

My real phone?? I don’t think ChatGPT understands that this is an all day offer. The elf doesn’t just take your phone “if it’s nearby.” Even more confusing was Elf on the Shelf in a Jar : Place an elf in a jar (or clear container) and add a little note that says, “Caught me!” This creates the illusion that you have “caught” them.

Should I surprise my child by chasing an elf with a jar? I don’t think this idea works and there’s no point in catching the elf. The elf comes willingly to our house every night (according to legend), and if we were to trap her here, she would not be able to communicate with Santa, which the child is so interested in.

ChatGPT also suggested that I set up the elf in “spy” scenarios (she’s already a spy), give her a “holiday card in her hands” (those hands aren’t holding anything, have you tried?), or “Place the elf with a small stick, straw, or pencil as if they practice magic or cast spells.” I’m not sure how a pencil next to the elf (or even in his hand, if I could) could be interpreted as a magic wand.

But it’s just ChatGPT. Claude should be smarter. Let’s see.

Claude doesn’t know how elves work either, but at least he’s trying.

Claude still holds the title of AI with the least annoying personality. When I asked him, “What should I do with this damn elf?” he cheerfully asked me which [damn] elf I was talking about. However, he didn’t read the room because his very first sentence was: “Have the elf ‘make snow angels’ in a pile of flour or powdered sugar.” Or he might draw mustaches on family photos (what?!), or make a mess of decorations, or zipline across the room.

“They should be lazy and simple ideas,” I told him. “No riots. No going out or buying supplies. There are definitely no ziplines.”

He then responded with what could be called opposing ideas. “Just place the elf somewhere,” it said. Kitchen counter. TV. Windowsill. Bookshelf. “The less effort the better.” I agree with this opinion, but I was hoping for something more. After a few more rounds of nonsense (eating all the marshmallows from the hot cocoa mix? Are you serious?), I finally talked him into giving me some good ones:

• The elf sits in a toy car as if she were driving

• Elf pretends to read a tiny book

• Elven yoga pose next to a houseplant

• The elf “sleeps” in a small toy bed.

• The elf “saddled” the stuffed animal

There were also some misunderstandings about the size here. The elf could look through binoculars made from toilet paper rolls. (He couldn’t.) He could wear a small sock instead of a hat. (How small do you think the socks are??) He could be “posed like he’s taking a selfie next to his phone.” Whose phone is it and how could she take a selfie with a phone as big as hers?)

Claude sends my elf to the Olympics

I realized that I would have to help a little more. I told Claude about the romantic storyline from last year. Could this suggest any similar, simple storylines?

Not only did he agree, but he told me that my wedding gambit was “fun.” (Thanks, Claude.) It suggested that the elf should go on a journey to become a rock star. The elf could find a toy guitar (“or air guitar”, but it would be hard to read – although I could make one out of cardboard). The elf might practice singing, try on sunglasses, make a band poster, audition in front of other toys, act as judges, sign a recording contract, and finally play his first concert. Perhaps a little back in chronology, but in concept it is quite feasible.

I asked for more ideas and received the story of the elf’s “escape”. Sorry, but Star already magically travels to the North Pole every night . We are not holding her captive. I also left out the “spy” storyline; She’s already a spy, that’s all. There was a “failed wizard” storyline where the hints were simply: “Day 4: Looks like he’s trying to do a trick. Day 5: Another “failed” magical moment.”

Finally we reached payday. Preparing for the Olympics! The elf can stretch, lift weights, play sports and finally earn a medal. This sounds doable. Let’s try it.

Claude overestimates my elf’s posing abilities

Okay, position the elf as if she were stretching before a workout. I’d never really posed with an elf before this moment; I just planted it in different places. But now she needs to become more athletic. I have found that there are essentially no stretches that can be easily done with stitched arms. So I cut the thread to separate her arms. But now it was difficult to force her into a position other than a sitting position. Her body is heavy. Her legs can’t hold her up. I’m not sure even Adrien could find an accessible pose for this girl other than Savasana, which would look like I killed her.

I eventually managed to do something like a runner, but in doing so I knocked over a flower pot (which broke). Rating: Claude 1, I 0.

Let’s try some real sports. Baseball, Claude suggested, using a pencil as a bat. Once again we ask ourselves, “What kind of pencil is this?” problem. How to make it look like a bat? Other items on the list suggested that I could put the elf “next to the pencil” for balance beam or use the “pencil as a spear” for a track meet.

Well, I managed to find a sports themed pencil. I glued her hands to it in a baseball pose, if only the tape had managed to stick to the felt. I couldn’t find a way to get her to stand up, so she played sitting down. (Maybe her next sport should be goalball , which my kids and I truly enjoyed watching during the Paralympics). And I framed her baby doll husband with a cardboard baseball glove. Claude scores again.

However, it’s all so much work. If I go this route, I’ll have to make dumbbells out of toothpicks. I’ve heard that you can string floral wire through your elf’s arms and legs so they can pose, so I’ll go get some supplies. This should have been easy, Claude!! But Claude can’t help me anymore. I’ve run out of free messages. I’m on my own now. It’s time for the elf to take a nap, go for a ride in the car, and maybe have some drama with her husband.

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