How to Tell If a Narcissist Has Given You a Love Bomb
Gary Chapman’s 1992 book Five Love Languages describes the various ways in which people show affection in romantic relationships. It has become something of a cultural touchstone, describing in understandable terms how people use physical touch, acts of service, words of confirmation, quality time, and gifts to demonstrate admiration. But when does an act of love turn from a sincere gesture to something born of narcissism and emotional control?
This may seem like a hazy line, but if you’ve ever been in a relationship in which your partner showered you with excessive love, perhaps a flood of gifts, praise, and affection to be used as an emotional club later, you may have been the victim of a love bomb. …
Being in love with a bomb is a new concept, so let’s figure out what it means to be with someone who subjects you to it, and how you can deal with having a love bomb become a part of your relationship.
What is a love bomb?
Love bombing is bombarding someone with waves of affection, compliments, gifts, and the like in an attempt to knock them off their feet, usually in the early stages of a relationship. The darker side comes when a love bombing person uses their eccentricity to maintain control of their partner, perhaps manipulating them, making them feel bad, or thinking they have somehow failed to reciprocate.
InStyle points to a recent lawsuit filed by singer FKA Twigs against actor Shia LaBeouf, whom she accuses of physical abuse, assault and emotional stress. At the beginning of their relationship, LaBeouf allegedly sent Twigs (real name Talia Barnett) up to twenty bouquets of roses a day, and also jumped over the fence of her London home to give her various love notes. The relationship soured when LaBeouf allegedly subjected the singer to various forms of violence, as she claims, for example, threatened to crash their car if she did not tell him that she loved him, and physically attacked her at a public gas station .
The polar extremes of this described behavior is the classic love bombing. Essentially, it is about imposing an attempt to control the other person emotionally, and is usually a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder. As psychotherapist Ami Kaplan told Cosmopolitan in 2019:
The point is that, to really get the other person. Then, when they feel like they’ve really gotten a person and feel safe in the relationship, the narcissist usually switches and becomes very difficult, aggressive, or manipulative.
Ultimately, a love bomb is a manipulation tool and a narcissist’s way of creating the image of the ideal partner. As psychologist Suzanne Degges-White wrote in Psychology Today in 2018 :
Narcissists are especially known for their manipulative skills as well as their penchant for self-love. They can use flattery and attention as tools to become the perfect partner to gain your trust, affection, and ultimately adoration.
This flawless look will surely deteriorate over time as the relationship deteriorates.
How to know if this is happening to you
A telltale sign can be extreme affection early in the relationship. Love usually takes time to develop, and while sometimes big attempts are made when it starts, research has shown that it usually takes men and women several months before the L-word is uttered.
Bombers usually demand your full attention and attention, no matter the context. They can bombard you with messages and calls, or show up at your door with flowers unannounced. After showering you with love and praise, your relationship switches to the lover and remains there, often to the detriment of the bond.
Rather than going slow, you may find yourself jumping into serious dynamic with someone on a short timeline first. As InStyle therapist and relationship consultant Denise Dunn told InStyle, the heat of adoration at the start of a relationship is short-lived and quickly gives way to something more destructive:
The admiration suddenly stops, leaving the admiring feeling worthless and confused or causing admiration to be pursued by submissive means.
What if this happened to you
The first step is to recognize the love bombing when you see it, and if you feel like you are in a relationship with a narcissist, start taking steps to end the relationship. Research shows that people with narcissistic tendencies are much more likely to cheat on their partners, and that they tend to be much less emotional and caring over longer relationships than other people.
As family therapist Darlene Lancer wrote for Psychology Today in 2017, this relationship is usually pretty unhappy:
Many narcissistic partners have been sadly yearning for years, seeking to feel respected, important, valued, and cared for. Over time, their self-esteem suffers. They risk becoming empty shells of their former self.
Aside from leaving, there are a few things you can try before you end up quitting, if you really want to . However, the best general advice is to end the relationship before the relationship becomes inevitable.