Don’t Ask Pregnant Women If They Are Horny.
When my partner and I announced to our close family and friends that we were waiting, we were soon bombarded with one specific question: “Are you excited?” (Or my personal favorite: ” Malik excited?”) Malik and I have strategically planned to start a family for the past two years; of course we were excited. Yet it quickly became apparent to me that my excitement was not good enough or believable enough for some. It got me thinking: how can I “properly” convey my excitement, let alone that I’m excited , and moreover, why should I feel like I have to act with a certain level of arousal in order to calm others?
To be honest, in addition to the shock and gratitude that we got pregnant right after my IUD was removed, and despite being healthy, I was afraid of the thought of a possible miscarriage. At 32, I knew at least seven other young people in their thirties who had miscarriages, and two of those seven had stillborn babies. And they are not alone; According to the Very Well Family, about a third of all confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage . Of course, I was excited , but as an empath and practical thinker, I had to accept the fact that I could be a part of that 31 percent.
As a humanities scholar, I began to uncover the intent behind the question, “Are you excited?” And more importantly, I was interested in looking at the impact of the question on an expectant parent who might not actually be worried for whatever reason. I knew some of these mothers personally, and the thought of being rejected because the question was “normal” or “innocent” did not suit me.
Here are three reasons why you should stop asking moms-to-be (and their partners) if they’re worried and what to say instead.
Leaves little room for honesty and vulnerability
To begin with, the question is general. This can be perceived as lighthearted, the equivalent of pregnancy: “How are you?” But rarely does anyone ask how your day is going, really wants to know all the details – good or bad – about your day. Your answer is expected to be between “Fairly good” or “Great, thanks.”
While I believe that many people who ask pregnant women if they are excited are doing it with good intentions, this is one of those questions that leaves little room for an honest or vulnerable answer. In fact, the answer may be negative. Quite frankly, many of us are not ready to deal with the truths of others, especially when they do not meet the expectations of society or our personal view of things.
Pregnancy evokes many feelings
Excitement depends on our personality and life circumstances. More importantly, people express their excitement in different ways. Some may find it more comfortable to express their excitement in a visible way to everyone with whom they interact, while others who are similarly excited may feel more comfortable savoring their excitement in private. One person’s excitement is like glee, and another’s excitement is more than satisfaction; both are fine, and neither should be protected.
It is also important to remember that during pregnancy, women experience a variety of emotions, from nervousness, anxiety or fear to anger or even frustration. It is unfair to limit the mom-to-be to just a sense of arousal, and it’s unfair to project our personal expectations onto what we think that arousal should look like.
It is invasive
Whether we want to admit it or not, asking someone if they are worried that they are pregnant is aggressive. We may not know how long it took for the expectant mother to actually conceive, so instead of worrying, she is much more nervous. We also may not know how many miscarriages the expectant mother might have experienced; so instead of being aroused, she may actually fear arousal and fight anxiety.
It goes without saying that not every pregnancy is planned, and whether someone planned their pregnancy or not is not our business. A mom-to-be who has no intention of getting pregnant may experience feelings of resentment, anger, or shame. A mom-to-be with multiple children, whether partners or single, may be trying to figure out how she’s going to balance it all emotionally, financially, and physically.
It’s also important not to ignore the experiences of single moms; For a single mother who has little support for the father of her unborn child, excitement can be one of the last emotions she experiences right now. In the end, we must respect the invisible boundaries and unknown triggers of pregnant women.
What to say instead
Instead of asking prospective parents if they are worried , consider the following options:
“How are you feeling? / How are you?”
This open-ended question gives parents-to-be the opportunity to share as much information as they want with you without projecting one particular emotion onto them.
“That’s lovely!”
This answer gives you an opportunity to express how excited you are about the parent-to-be. It also does not require a boilerplate response from them.
“Is there anything I can do? Do you need to cook something for your child? “
This answer shows that you are passionate and willing to be part of the parent-to-be village. Specifically, expectant mothers can use all the support and love they can get during pregnancy from their family and friends.
“You will be a great parent!”
A little reassurance doesn’t hurt, especially when you’re embarking on a new journey like parenting. He also secretly informs the parents-to-be that everything will be okay if they worry.
“Congratulations!”
A simple congratulation goes a long way. This is a time-tested classic answer, and most importantly – not aggressive!