What People Are Getting Wrong This Week: Did President Biden Poop Himself?
Back in April, I looked into rumors in Donald Trump’s fraud trial that the ex-president farted a lot in court . Because I’m fair and level-headed, this week I’ll address the rumors that current President Joe Biden shit himself at the annual D-Day celebration on June 6th in France.
At the ceremony marking the 80th anniversary of the D-Day landings, President Biden delivered a fiery defense of democracy and a searing indictment of extremism and autocracy, using the opportunity to connect the sacrifices of the past with the challenges we face today.
Yes, yes, democracy versus tyranny, blah blah blah. Important question: “Did Joe Biden poop his pants after the speech?”
Examination of evidence
The source of the D-Day poop theory is a 13-second video released by the Republican Party of Biden crouching slightly. It’s labeled “Clumsy” with a “grimacing” emoji (surprisingly, it’s not a poop emoji).
The president’s opponents are divided into two camps: those who believe the footage is evidence that Biden tried to sit in an imaginary chair , and those who thought it showed President Biden pooping . As Twitter user Drew Hernandez put it , “Joe can’t help but poop in here, it’s crazy.”
But is there really no way out? Is this really crazy?
Contrary evidence
If you fast forward the tape of Biden’s speech and skip the parts where he honors the few remaining people who fought to end tyranny 80 years ago, and then let the clip play about one second after the end of the RNC clip, you will see the president reaching back to find the armrest of your (not imaginary) chair before sitting down.
The President in the video doesn’t seem to defecate, but here’s the video. The moment in question occurs approximately four hours and 15 minutes later:
Conclusion: President Joe Biden didn’t poop himself.
While no one can say with certainty whether anyone is currently pooping or not, there is no evidence that Biden pooped himself at the 80th anniversary of the D-Day landings.
It’s a shame that whoever writes the RNC Twitter account didn’t have an extra two seconds to look at what happened immediately after the video they posted. If they did, they’d be like, “Oh wait, that’s not awkward. This is actually quite normal for a guy who sits. I won’t post this tweet because I don’t want to mislead anyone.” It would save people a lot of time and worry about the president’s digestive and mental health.
I’m sure the RNC and the many, many weirdos spreading this rumor online crafted their apology tweets with such care that they didn’t have time to delete all the tweets they posted spreading these lies.
Has Joe Biden ever pooped his pants?
Okay, maybe Joe Biden didn’t get dirty this time, but what about the rest of the time? Like last week or a few years ago? This is a more complex question. While there are unsubstantiated rumors online that Joe Biden once pooped during a meeting with the Pope, there are no credible sources or even shaky party sources that have provided any evidence that this incident occurred.
As far as public information goes, Biden’s shorts appear clean. Unlike the previous president, Joe Biden’s doctor regularly publishes his medical report. The latest, dated February 28 , states that Joe Biden suffers from sleep apnea, takes cholesterol-lowering medications, sometimes suffers from acid reflux and suffers from seasonal allergies. There was no sign of anything that would cause him to spontaneously poop his pants.
However, a doctor’s note cannot prove that Biden does not poop his pants. This whole “it’s impossible to prove a negative” thing gets in the way. Plus: The dude has been alive for a long time, and things happen, so it’s possible. But if President Joe Biden is shitting himself, he’s in good company. Heroic American astronauts regularly poop their pants . Marathon runners and rock stars who don’t want to be drafted do the same thing.
What about babies? They poop their pants all the time, and everyone loves children. Joe Biden (I assume) was once a baby, so he probably pooped his pants every day, and in 1858 they didn’t even have disposable diapers.
In conclusion: democracy is fragile and beautiful, and we probably don’t deserve the tiny pieces of it we have left.